Feeling lost

I lost mydad in March just before lockdown happened. He had kidney cancer and had been unwell for a while bit it was still such a shock. We were lucky enough to be with him when he passed. (he lived in Barnsley and we live in Hampshire) and because of lockdown I stayed with his wife and my brother until the funeral. There was only the five of us at his funeral (myself my step mum my sister and 2 brothers) all sat 2 meters away from each other and non of it felt real. It’s been 5 months and it still doesn’t feel real. I can’t explain it but not being able to say goodbye in a way we would have wanted has probably been what’s so hard about the whole situation. I feel like I haven’t been able to grieve properly because of the whole covid situation. As soon as I returned home I kinda self isolated from my husband and children I was so worried about the covid I thought that was the best thing to do. And then after two weeks when I was sure it was safe it was straight into homeschooling and trying to catch up on my work. Then life just took over and I thought I was doing OK but I don’t think I am. My husbamd suggested it might be good for me talk to someone who knows a little about what I’m going through so we looked online and ended up here. I know there’s no right answers on how to deal with this all but I’d be greatful for some help. Thankyou

Hi, I think it is a good suggestion by your husband to come here. My dad died of Covid in April, alone in hospital, and it will always hurt me till the day I die that he had no one there with him as he always wanted to die with his family, but coming here has made that pain just a bit more bearable. Please feel free to tell us a bit more about your dad, as that can often help.

Hello Rocky - don’t be hard on yourself. These have been very different times for all of us who have lost someone. Please do keep coming back to this site as we all resonate perhaps in different ways but that is not important. What is so important is bring able to say exactly how you are feeling. Sending love Alison xx

Sorry should read being able

Where to start… My dad came into my life when I was 2 years old and was there for everything I ever needed. He was a workaholic so growing up he was away a lot. When I was 13 he and my mum split up and then his job took him all over the world but he was always on the other end of the phone it didn’t matter what time it was. When he started getting ill he came back to England and he lived with me and it was amazing I had my dad close and I could keep an eye on him. But he got a new job up north and moved. After that I didn’t get to see him so much between work and the children it just wasn’t possible. But he started to get worse and we did all we could to be with him but it just doesn’t seem enough. We weren’t there to make him go to the doctors when something was wrong because we didn’t know and he didn’t tell us and then it was to late… We didn’t get him to doctors in time we were to far away. I could talk about my dad all day but all I ever get to is where I should have done better. Where I should have been there to get him the help he needed so he would still be today x

Hello, we love our parents so much that whatever we do, we will always feel it isn’t enough.

The truth is you did do a lot for your dad. You did not know his health condition was worse than it was, if you did, you would have done even more. Sadly he died, but you should not take any blame for that, instead you should be proud how much he meant to you and think of all the things you did for him.

And if you want to talk about your dad, about his life, about who he was, then please do, we would be more than happy to listen.

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Thamkyou for your kind words. I think I’m not quite there to not feel guilt. It’s my first thought everyday and athough some of me knows I shouldn’t feel it there’s a bigger part that says I should. I can’t help it and a huge part of me says I should feel it. I know I just need to step over that hurdle but it doesn’tatter what people say right now I can’t seem to get over that hurdle

It can be very difficult not to feel guilt. Have you considered online bereavement counselling? It is free and helps many people. Recently a woman here posted how she was feeling guilty about a certain aspect of her mother’s death, and how counselling helped her to overcome it.

I’m looking into finding counselling at the moment thamlyou for your thoughts and help

That is good. You can get free online counselling by contacting Sue Ryder, or telephone counselling by contacting Cruse. There is a waiting list at both, but hopefully someone might be able to help you soon.