Feeling lost

Hello everyone, I’m so pleased to be part of a group where we can support each other. I lost my husband to cancer a couple of days before Christmas 2020. He said one day he had a tummy ache and 5 months later he was gone, 8 weeks from diagnosis. Those 5 months and a few months after, I can only say that I felt as if I was in a bubble looking on as if what was happening was happening to someone else and then the bubble burst and the intense heartache started, what the … happened. I have a daughter who I can talk to and she tells me not to hold back on her but I don’t want to be a burden, after all she has lost her dad. I just can’t seem to stop crying when I’m with her, she makes me face up to what happened. My closest friend messages me daily and I know I can go round whenever I want but she is almost too sympathetic and I need positivity to help me negotiate and come to terms with how life is now. My hubby took redundancy and early retirement in April 2019, we were looking forward to our daughter getting married in July 21 and growing old together. So I walked our daughter down the aisle, immensely proud but it was all wrong and the day is a bit hazy. I psyched myself up to enjoy the day and be strong and I now feel empty. I am slowly getting used to my own company. I have put all my energy into keeping the garden in order and am proud of what I have done as my husband was the gardener and its all new to me. I don’t have a clue about decorating either, he insisted he wanted to do it all. I now regret I didn’t insist. Life is lonely, I take one day at a time. I have learnt that most friends are happy to get together with me, I just need to ask, so I am taking them on their word. My diary has something to do each day, it’s how I cope. I have to get out once a day. People say I look well, but I put on a brave face If anyone asks how I am, I turn it round quickly and ask them the same question. I have one photo that I cherish, from our last minute holiday in February 2020. He is holding a glass of beer with strong fingers, I used to say he had steel fingers, the cheeky grin, twinkly eyes. He looks at me and I can feel him telling me he is proud of me and I’m doing ok. I read through some of the posts and it helps me to realise that I am doing ok and that so many of us have the same intense emotions. I just would like to feel normal again, whatever normal is these days. Sending you all virtual hugs

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Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder community.

I am so sorry to read about your husband. I’m so glad you have felt able to write about your loss, as I’m sure you will find others here who have gone through something similar and possibly feel the same way.

I’m not sure if you are aware but Sue Ryder also offers a free bereavement counselling service. It can often be a lot easier to talk with a professional counsellor about your feelings. There is currently a waiting list, but if you would like to find out more, you can do so here .

I do hope you find this community helpful. Please keep checking in and know that we’re here for you.

Take care,

Susannah
Online Community team

Hi Ruth

You are doing well throwing yourself into gardening. I know it’s a survival technique for you and not something you would naturally do. I know what you mean about the decorating. I’ve had to do so much house stuff including coping with three pipes flooding part of the house at different times. It’s just a bit much on top of everything isn’t it. I felt the same about my daughter she was only 13, I didn’t want to burden her and probably found it so hard to cry because she seemed so shocked if I did. I stopped very quickly. I hope you find this forum helpful xx

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Ruth S you sound as though you are a very positive person and are doing amazingly well. It gives me hope. It is just 10 weeks since I lost my dearest husband after just a 4 month battle with cancer. I too like to keep busy and have been tacking gardening jobs but am still very weepy and disbelieving and disorientated. I find my energy levels are low as well.

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