My wife died in early December after two year battle with cancer. She had been having palliative care for nearly a year but I was trying to prepare myself. I know how much she was suffering which hurt to watch. We have been married for 33 years, together for 37 years. I am feeling completely lost on my own. We were very close and shared everything, our thoughts and worries, laughter and tears, she was like half of my consciousness. Nothing seems to have any point anymore, the house and my world seems so empty. I feel like I died with her and now I am just existing, I can’t see a way out because I know I am never going to see her again, nothing will bring her back. I put on a good face for my children and grandchildren. I just can’t see a future without her.
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Your loss is so very recent and raw, it’s completely understandable you’re feeling so lost.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, @Sandwalker, get in touch with one of these services.
I read through what you said and looking at what I wrote earlier and I am surprised at what I said. It does tell me more about what I am feeling than I care to admit. It has been helpful to confront those feelings. I am trying to regain some meaning to life, I am fortunate that I have family close by who are relying on me which does help and my father who is 89, I lost my Mum to cancer a few years ago. I am also getting support a local support group for anyone who affected by cancer who are very welcoming. Thank you for the advice.
Sandwalker so sorry to hear of your recent loss
It is early days at moment and the feelings you have are normal .
However in time maybe think of your children and grandchildren and what your wife would want you to do carry on and make her proud .
I lost my husband suddenly 4 months ago and have had same feelings as you but children make you carry on .
It is so difficult though the grief is in waves and it’s a struggle to carry on each day .
I think this forum is excellent for sharing thoughts feelings at any time
Thank you, it has been a very difficult time. Although my wife had been ill for over two years and that after a time it became clear that the cancer was terminal, I still wasn’t as mentally prepared as I thought when it happened. She went downhill very suddenly.
Back in March the oncologist gave her a few months and she fought and kept going until December. I still keep going through in head what else should I and could I have done.
I am very lucky to have a four children now grown up and four grandchildren two keep me busy.
As you say it hits you in waves and at anytime.
I think everyone wonders what else they could or should have done. My partner collapsed and died without warning. I was with him and I saw what happened, but his sister has tortured herself with what ifs. Where there earlier signs of illness? What if he had had a mild attack and been cured? and so on.
I do not believe there is anything else you could or should have done. Even if you were not a saint during your wife’s illness and sudden decline, you were human, the man she loved and with whom she brought four children into the world. I am absolutely sure that you were the person she wanted by her side through her illness, and that is where you were.
In my four months of bereavement, I have found that putting on a good face can be hard at times but also can create the chance to step out of your grief for a while and into the pleasure of your grandchildren. Take that chance.
It’s completely normal to be feeling like this, especially as it is still so recent. But just remember that you don’t have to go through this alone, and are probably not feeling like this alone. Of course you have just lost your wife, but your four children have also just lost their mother, and are probably also struggling with their emotions. As parents, it’s easy to feel that you are the one that has to be there to support your children, as someone they can rely on, but as you said your children are grown up, maybe now it’s your turn to lean on them for support. It’s likely that they are probably wanting to talk to you about what has happened, but perhaps don’t know how to talk to you about this, or don’t want to upset you by bringing it up. But that’s what families are for, and in this difficult time of grief, use them and talk to them so that you can support each other.