I am not sure how this works and if i am the one to ask for help or the one that should write a message that does help.
The truth is i need help and i do not know what to do. On the face of things and to others i am doing ok but inside i am broken and lost. Patricia was my world and now she has gone i am in a mess.
My two kids are my only focus and that is what keeps me going but soon they will leave home and i am on my own, that scares me.
so as i said i am not sure if anyone can help me on this or if this is the right way to do it but i would be very thankful to anyone who can help me.
@Danpat HI and a sad welcome to the site, so sorry to hear of the passing of your, mine went around 9 months ago so I can understand how you will be feeling at the moment. Raw, in pain and very confused. Things for me were very overwhelming at the start, everything seemed so BIG, such huge problems. It will get easier but it will take time, little steps and the first one youāve made is coming on here. Be patient with yourself, youāre in a very difficult place, unfortunately not many people will truly understand exactly how difficult that place is. You have found this site and it can be a great help, it was for me. You say that youāre not really sure how it works and tbh it can be a bit confusing at first. If you see a conversation that you want to join in just introduce yourself and say what you want. Everyone on here is here for the same reason so we all fully understand, thereās no judgement and people will help as they can. Itās along hard road weāre on but knowing that others understand has really helped me in the long run, hope it does for you too.
@Danpat welcome to the club weād rather not be in but it is a club that offers help and support.
The early days are so raw and all consuming and additionally having two teenagers to help, thatās hard.
Iām 6 months in and the days do get better. Here, is a good place to get support, advice, help. Although we canāt physically be there, we can offer support and you can give it to people coming up behind you, as unfortunately there always will be new people.
Her we understand how you feel and have felt it first hand.
Everyone journey is different and personal 5o then but the grief we share seems to be the same.
Itās shit some days, easier some days, lots of tears, not so many tears, guilt, determination, itās endless mix of emotions.
Your loss is huge, be kind to yourself, take days hour by hour and just focus on the day. The loss of the future is the hard part, all the dreams and plans, gone. Thatās unbearable some days, so stick to now and whatās next to get through.
Hi @Danpat. Really sorry to read you are struggling, and feel lost. I felt just the same, an empty shell with no purpose and no future.
But I realised (with the help of friend) that when we are lost, such as when we are out in the car, or walking , what we need is a map.
I sat down and wrote out how I would like the rest of my life to be.
It had topics in there such as relationships, finance, new activities, making new friends, shall I see out my days in my existing house , ie anything.
Out of this came out some goals for me to work towards, which Ive done since Penny died 16 months ago. Ive achieved most of them and the odd new goal has been added to the list.
This approach has been excellent for me, and I can look back and think Ive come a long way in getting my last life chapter in good order.
So maybe have your own plan, to help you through this crisis.
Good luck!
@Danpat its nearly 10 weeks for me. This site does help. Just vent and say what you feel. Just writing it I find helps. It still doesnāt feel real. We are all in this same horrible club and are the only people who know what it is like to go through this loss. Somehow we go on and survive. I advise reading what @Walan writes. Somehow serene and incredibly helpful. Doesnāt matter what you put down we will support you. When you feel up to it you advice will help others. Xx
It can be anything you want it to be ā¦ for help and advice or sympathy or giving a positive post ! We all understand how hard this is so be assured of that ā¦ i like your expression āi am in a messā im sure youre not the only one ā¦ we are all a bit adrift now as we have lost the very person who meant the world to us xxx
I am new to this group having lost my husband in March this year. It is reassuring to know other people feel the same as I do, yes lost and adrift! I thought things would get easier but in fact right now I feel even worse. People say it is a ānew normalā but I donāt want this ānew normalā it is lonely! The days donāt seem too bad as I can usually find something to do but the evenings, nights and mornings are so very hard without him!
Hi all and thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. So here goes,
I feel lost, alone and not sure what i am to do. My family and friends are great but they just do not understand. Patricia was my world and as i write this i am crying.
My world is and always has been my family and now that is broken i am not sure how i can fix it. I understand that time helps and that over time it will get easier but at the moment i can not see the light even though i know it will come.
I like the idea of goals and a map but it makes me feel guilty that i am planning my life with her. We had plans that we was working to and i have spent a lot of time away from home to make them work. But now she is not here with me what do i do?
I know that each person is different and can only offer advice but i just want to know what do i do first. ??
Hi @Danpat, to be honest thereās not really any way you can fix this, that life is over now and itās down to you to discover what you need to construct a new one. Again unfortunately I canāt tell you what to do first, thatās a decision for you based on what you think you need. I know at the moment that the answer will be āmy wifeā,for this to be a dream, to wake up, Iāve been there it felt like I could never escape, itās really hard to do this but it can be done. Give yourself a lot of lee way, donāt be afraid of your emotions, I tried to supress them but in the end it helped to let them out. Again, sadly, no one apart from the people who have been through this will understand where you are, I found it useful to tell people what I needed from them, emotionally or paractically, people wanted to help but had no idea what to do. As @tykey says trying to, even in a very minimal way, write things down and plan out what you need to do, what has priority, what can wait, I found to be a very big help. I started with brushing my teeth (I kid you not), and kept trying to add little bits on, change underwear, have shower, go to shops, go for a longer walk.
But the best thing I found I could do you have already done and thatās coming on here and telling people how you feel, just actually having to sit and think about how I felt and then writing it down helped over time to allow me to understand what was going on in my head. Another thing you could do is look for videos or writing on grief, again it doesnāt make it any less shit but it helped me to realise that I wasnāt losin my mind, that what I was experiencing was normal. Thereās no rule book for any of this, I just tried things if they didnāt help Iād try something else. It can be done, I felt like you 9 months ago and I never thought Iād get to where I am, but with some effort, a lot of patience and kindness to myself Iām finding things abit easier, accepting things a bit better, still missing my Wife as much but Iām able to smile at memories now and thatās a big step forward for me. Keep reaching out, thereās always someone on here who will try and help
I think I am too early in my own journey to help much. My husband died early June. I cry most days. Fine while there is practical stuff to do but now down to the daily grind. Housework and surviving. Trying to figure out what I am able to do with my limited mobility. Missing him every day. I like the concept of a map but canāt figure out which way mine is going. Focus on your family. Take all the help and support. However difficult try and find a positive although I must admit today I am finding that difficult. Good luck. Xx
Hi Jax2. Sorry youāve joined our club. I would not have it so for you but please know you are not going through this alone - ever. There are lots of us in exactly the same boat - heartbroken - frightened - and feeling very lonely. I lost my wonderful wife A 8 weeks ago - utterly unexpected. Cancer. After just a 2 week tremendous battle. I too am struggling every single minute of every day. I really just go on for our son now. So I guess I just wanted you to know you are not suffering alone. I promise you. And slowly things start to make sense again, so stay strong! Kindest thoughts -M
My wife passed away 8 weeks ago due to Acute Myeloid Leukemia,she survived seven of the six to eight weeks we were given and I now know that I simply must have believed that we would beat it,I wouldnāt lose her,I loved her far too much to let it happen and now the reality.
My wife being a qualified psychotherapist of some repute within the U.K. I asked her how I could prepare for losing her,she explained that there wasnāt any āpreparation,ā because every person deals with loss,grief in their own way but her biggest fear was that she knew what was coming and her biggest regret that after many years helping others she couldnāt help me.
There isnāt an answer to your question of what can I do,all of us on here are testament to that sad fact and most if not all have tried to "do,"many things,sadly to no avail.
My efforts have been to go for person to person counselling,I quickly understood that it wasnāt fair to my counsellor because I just wanted a quick fix. Then I tried a bereavement group who frightened the life out of me because they were laughing and chatting away, this because they were further on into their journey than I.
Yesterday I drove back from a visit to my sister up in The Scottish Borders,the most beautiful scenery you could wish for but when I walked through my door I cried and couldnāt stop,this morning and through the day has been the same.
So ! The answer for now is that whatever you ādo,ā the grief and pain,tears and quiet lonely hours,days and nights will jab away at you and produce more tears and pain than you ever thought possible.
So ! do nothing for now,live with the tears and pain,thoughts of the woman you love and accept that doing things will not stop it nor shorten it,only time will ease it and reveal what to "do,ābecause by then you will be doing those things that will help.
Equally important leave the future alone,for now most of us donāt have one so trying to imagine one will hurt,frighten you and even if you could your first thought would be " where is she ?ā You,me and everyone on here have more than enough pain and grief, DO what you have to to keep it to a minimum.
Sorry if the content of this post appears grim but my bet is that you will know exactly what I mean. Take care,you are in my thoughts.
I can relate to so many things and feeling people are saying. In the few short weeks my husband was ill I didnāt think about what the future held for me but just put all my energy into helping him. However, Iām not sure anything could have prepared me for this life! We had so many plans for his retirement and people saying you have to do it for both of you is really not helpful! I donāt want to do things for both of us I wanted to do them together! Iām just grateful when I get through each day at the moment, planning for the future is just beyond my comprehension!
I know what you mean when you say the new norm, i hate it and i do not want it to be this way. But i know that i need to do something to make things move forward even when that feels so wrong.
Thank you for this and i understand what you say, it is just so shit and that is the best way i can say it. I spent 24 years going away with work, why because when we get to this point it will be worth it. I will have time and money to do what we would like to do. Now that all seems a waste of time, as we all know time is the most important thing ever.
I know that i was not to know what was going to happen but i still feel like i should not have been away as much. The only thing that is a saving grace is Patricia lasted 5 months longer than they said. That gave me the chance to care for her, show her what she meant to me and how much i loved her. She was a fighter and i hope that she knew i would have gone on doing all that i did and more just to have her with me.
Hi Jax2 i agree with you .Im 17 weeks into losing my partner and having now starting to thing of the new normal and living life for them and im excacly in the same place now i was 17 weeks ago .How do i live and make a nrw life on my own ive one friend family abroad .Tried to make friends but they have family friends neirbours and are busy people .So no i cry every day of lonliness tbh .Lost any confidence i had and the only thing i see open to me is doing things on my own .Which is too daunting and scary .I want to go to sleep and not wake up is the same as it was 17 weeks ago.Xxx
Wise words indeed @miker ! However i have done 9 weeks of bereavment counselling and it has helped me come to terms with it a bit more, albeit sometimes painful it has been good that somebody listened ā¦ ! Xx
@Danpat I had the same issues a few months ago. All I could remember were the bad decisions, the arguments, the bitter words between us. I loved my Wife deeply and she loved me but all I could remember was al the shit times. I had a chat on here and it seems as if itās quite a common aspect of grief, I still donāt really understand why, a Defense mechanism? A way of processing all the bad times? It was awful. It did move away and from others Iāāve talked to it was the same for them. Your wife will have known that you did everything for her and for you, to be together and be happy. It didnāt turn out that way but she still knew your intentions, her intentions. It took me a time to understand that myself, but it did come.