Feeling lost

My MIL died in March, I’ve found it so hard to support my partner, his brother, my 2 young daughters and offer support to her parents. My eldest daughter (6) is really struggling with Christmas and is now realising that Nanna is gone forever. I find it so hard to know what is the right/wrong thing to say/do. I feel so lost with my own grief that I feel like I can’t support others.

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss and the hard time you’re having. It sounds like you are the crutch for the whole family, holding everyone up and yet at the same time it’s dragging you down. Everyone grieves differently and grief is a journey which we have to travel regardless. It never ends but it changes. We all know something of grief and loss on this site. I lost my husband in June 2017. This will be my second Christmas without him. However, he wasn’t a fan of Christmas and we had started to go away for the week after the children had grown up and left home so I’m looking forward to going to stay in our favourite place in North Wales. Perhaps you could all try doing something completely different this year, as a family. I know it’s difficult with children as they just want to be home with their presents and the excitement of it all but there’s always Boxing Day. Perhaps dedicate the day to your mother in law and do something completely different - a Boxing Day picnic perhaps. Oooh, I quite like the sound of that myself!

Anyway, take a moment for yourself, be kind to yourself. I’m sending love and a hug - it sounds like you need one. You’re probably so busy dishing out the hugs that you forget to take one for yourself…xxxx

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Hi, Christmas is a very sad time for all of us who have a loved one who has passed. We are a big company of people. I’m also struggling with a very very close significant loss. I didn’t think I’d want to live without this person or could. But 8 weeks on I’m functioning. With children it’s perhaps an idea to keep the person who has passed integrated in to their lives in a different way. You can buy something called “a place at the table” for a family member who is not there.
The continuing bonds you have with that person has not gone forever. There’s also a good book by Julia Samuels in the subject of grief that is good.
It sounds like you need to process your grief too, while you are caring for others your grief is still there, it’s just buried under everyone else’s. It will manifest somewhere. So while you are being kind to others, take a moment to STOP and feel your own emotions.
Take care .

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Chris my amazing husband paased away in October 2018. We were married for nearly 25 years and been together for 30 years. We have 2 amazing children and we all love extreme sports. Chris had stage 4 bowel cancer which was diagnosed in February 2018 after no symptoms. We did everything together, all of our sports as a family but the children no longer live at home. I am utterly devastated and cry morning and night. Chris made me promise that I would carry on diving and skiing which I will do but I feel so lonely without him even in a room full of people.

Hi Miki . I know what you mean about being lonely without your husband even in a room full of people . My husband died very suddenly at the end of July . We were together for 42 years and married for 33 and have three children grown up now . I have been out with them and my little goddaughters, their parents and my girls’ boyfriends…do a big group of them . I love them all dearly but when I got back into my car to come home this evening I just burst into tears because I only want to be with my husband really . Nobody else will really do . When you have been with someone for so long and done so much stuff with them you have such an understanding that when they have gone the feeling of being lost is with you all the time . It’s very difficult and very sad . Sending you understanding . Romy xxx

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Hi Romy thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry for you loss. It’s so difficult isn’t it especially when you are together for a long time. Chris was my best mate and life is so lonely without him. I hope you find some peace and happiness with your family over Christmas x

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Dear Miki . I hope you do too . Romy xxx

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Hi Miki
My wife Margaret also died of bowel cancer in July only 3 weeks after diagnosis. She was 51 and we had been together 30 years and married 25. We have 3 children and a little granddaughter born just after Margaret died that she never got to meet. I’m also devastated and as you say the loneliness is unbearable.
Please take care
William

Thanks for your message William, it’s so sad that Margaret didn’t get to met her last grand child but I’m a great believer that she will be looking on and with you. I have found exercise makes me feel a little bit brighter and did a 38 mile cycle today with a lovely bunch of ladies from my cycle club. Wishing you all the best Miki

Hi Miki.
I think it’s a great move that you have gone out for a ride. I’m sure exercise will make a real difference. Which club do you ride with. I’ve cycled all my life. Unfortunately I have a knee problem so doing more walking at the moment. Only problem with cycling is its difficult to chat but plenty of tea stops is a good move.

I ride with an all girls club in West Yorkshire. They are helping me immensely. I hope you get back out on your bike soon

I live in Wharfedale. I bought an electric bike last year. My excuse was that I’m struggling a bit on the many hills. I hope to get out again when the weather picks up.

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