Feeling low tonight

Today went okaish but my mood really dropped this evening.

First, everyone I have ever loved has died on me, from grandma who brought me up to my mum and dad and now my beloved partner. I can only reach the conclusion that it is probably best and less painful not to love.

Then, looking at the state of my finances depressed me even further. Although my partner left me his house, he also left some £60000 worth of debts that will need to be offset against the value of the house. As I currently live in London, I’m not at all sure I will have enough to buy another property and I may be forced to do so by his creditors, especially HMRC.

Finally, looking at how this country and the world at large is going does not fill me with any confidence for the future.

I’m sorry but right now, with the funeral looming on the horizon, I wonder what is the point of it all.

I’m sure there are many people worse off than me, but I can only speak for myself.

That’s the end of the rant.

Thank you for listening.

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So sorry your feeling low this evening, me to.
I think when you have had a lot of loss, and then on top worrying about all the difficult worries of finance, it makes it that much more of a struggle.
It’s hard to find a mentally comfortable place, without feeling utter despair.
I think if you can try and bring back your days to bite sizes, not trying to process it all, it’s to overwhelming. You have to deal with the funeral first. That is enough in its self. Only deal with paper work, that is immediately important. Anything you can, buy time with, do. Get independent advice , regarding any debts, as any not in your name too, may be able to be squashed.
I know nothing can change how your feeling, and I truly understand and feel for you.x

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Thank you for your reply Elvispresley69.

Saw the solicitor this morning to get the probate started. A good meeting (a nice guy, which helps) but so many details have to be sorted out. I have decided to take out a probate loan for a small portion of the estate to help with debts and legal fees (and put some in a savings account). The law is really quite complex even if you have a straightforward will.

The next thing is to view Andrew’s body in the chapel of rest before the cremation. I have not done this before so I don’t know how I am going to react. Thankfully, a friend is coming along for support.

The worst thing is trying to envisage a life without him. I have never been on my own so I am utterly lost. I am simply very afraid and wonder if I will ever get over this.

It all feels very overwhelming right now. The family I have is in Italy and although I talk to them at least twice a day, I wish they were here to fill the physical void Andrew left.

Having the TV is not quite the same somehow.

How to build a network of friends? For the last two years it was just Andrew and me and I was never a great socialiser anyway.

I am exhausted yet I am sleeping just a few hours each night. I have started doing some work (I work freelance) but it all feels so demanding on whatever energy I have left.

What is one to do?

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Just wanted yo check on and see how you are doing…

Hi Elvispresley69,

Many thanks for checking on me.

A low mood day today. I am supposed to get on with some work but I have no motivation whatsoever.

I do understand why some people say they would prefer to join their loved ones rather than go through this gut-renching, never-ending grieving.

I ordered a photo frame from Amazon and the glass was in pieces when it arrived. Such lack of care.

Sometimes I feel like no one in this country cares about anything much.

Sorry for being so negative today. x

It does feel like everything is stacked up, and then something like your busted frame, feels symbolic in many ways.
Grief is relentless, and comes at you from so many areas in your every day life.
I am sorry you have had such a difficult day, there very hard to reprogramme, and try and start a new one, it’s easier said than done.

They days I know always go very wrong for me, are the days I take to long to get up from waking.
Also the days when I do manage to accomplish the getting up reasonably swiftly, I have to plan something, anything, it’s somehow, it does not change anything, but the intent, just of finding the motivation to get moving, always makes the day psychologically better, just having that smoother is a wee bit more helpful.
It’s how we set our selves up, for me it’s always been the morning struggle…