Feeling of Lost, guilt and angry!

Hi.
I lost my dad abt 5 months ago, it was earlier than we expected (big c) and now Iam not sure how am meant to cope, he was my go to person for anything, the person I wanted to tell news to first. Now that hes gone. And I just feel lost.
I have two little girls that keep me busy most of the time but whenever am alone or have two mintues to think I just get consumed with all these feeling and flashes of memories and things he’s missing out on. I was on holiday when he past and have a constant guilt about be off having fun has he had his last days in pain. And not talking to him. I feel anrgy that no one told us how bad he had gotten in his last days and that people outside family (people that didnt see him for years) was told before we was.
I find it hard to talk to my mum as I feel am taking it away from her and how she’s feeling and her grief. I have tried talking to my husband but it always just becomes about how he misses him and his grief so have stopped trying. I can’t talk to my siblings as all i get is you was dad’s favourite and I was daddy’s girl and I feel these resentment there for being so close to him and also for being away when he passed. So feel I can’t express anything to them. So I just don’t say anything any more and keep it to myself.
I find it hard when my oldest (3) talks abt grandad and wants to look at pictures I have to hold back the tears.
I want to be strong for my girls but someday I feel broken and lost. How do I get past it all and find some sort of relief.

Hi Potnoddle,

I’m so sorry for your loss…It’s beyond tough not having an outlet and needing to control your grief. I can understand some of what you are going through. You had a very close relationship with your dad and it’s hard to have that void in your life after he passed.

Don’t feel guilty for being away at that time. It’s natural to question everything but don’t, I’m sure from what you posted he would always and forever know you loved him so much!

I think you need an outlet for you, a safe space where you can talk about how you are feeling and not have to be strong or controlled for others, perhaps counselling? In the meantime you should keep posting here, there are so many lovely, supportive people that will listen, understand and share.

I think nothing really takes it away, it’s all so raw for you and I, it’s only been a short time. It’s up and down.

I lost my dad suddenly (26wks this Friday). The family dynamics have pulled us apart not bought us closer. My siblings especially my sister resents me for having a close relationship with dad and resents me for being me. My mum is carrying on completely normal, no one wants to hear how I miss dad and find it hard. If mum sees me crying she comments I think about him too much and then decided to ‘pretend’ cry. My point is, the people on this site have pulled me through some of my hardest moments.

Keep posting and so sorry you are going through this nightmare.

Sam

Apologies, I stupidly mistyped…Potnoodle.

Hi thank you for your reply sam12.

So sorry for the loss of your dad and how it’s effected your family. Family should be one of the easiest to talk to and sometimes it’s the hardest as we worry what they will say and think. I hope the situation improves in time.
My mum is the same doesn’t show emotion well but I believe she thinks she got to be strong for us tho we told her she’s doesn’t have to be. She tells us she talks to him but I haven’t seen her upset since the funeral even then she keep stopping her self from crying.

It’s been nice to just be able to write it down and know that someone has read it. So thank you for taking that time.

I feel that sometimes the people around me expect me to be ok about he’s passing now and am not. I no some people think I should be as we had some warning that he was terminal but it doesn’t make it any less painfully hes still gone. plus i think am also grieving the time I lost as he was taken sooner than we expected (6-8months earlier). We expected him to be here for his own birthday, my oldest birthday party(which was the day before his funeral) my youngest first birthday and he missed his granddaughter starting to walk. And maybe Christmas. these are the things that get me down as I want to be able to share them with him.

I have thought about counselling but my girls take up most of my time and have no one to watch them.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply. It has helped loads and sorry for the long post again.

Potnoodle x

Hi Potnoodle,

Anytime, no need to thank…it’s tough. I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t been posting for long perhaps 2.5wks approx and it is an outlet and the understanding I received really helps, just to know someone has read your post so I get it.

No loss is easy, even if you know if will eventually come. Personally I think that it’s wrong, there is no right way of handling it or time span to process. I’m sorry you lost out on the time and that makes a lot of sense. I like you always want to share things with my dad and it hurts to know his not here to do that. I tend to talk out aloud to him in the hope that he knows i’m thinking of him. I still say goodnight and morning to him. I don’t know if this might help but I have a notebook and I write every memory down that comes to mind.It is painful, sad and happy all at the same time. I never re-read it but I just want to put things down somewhere.

How about CRUSE phone line? I found them helpful, sometimes just to talk. If anything else comes to mind I will send another post.

Families are strange to be honest. Thank you, I hope the situation resolves in time but my siblings and I are finished, no longer. My mum is under the influence of my sister. They all look out for themselves, there is no unity or understanding. I think I find it harsh and hurtful considering I was alone with my dad when he passed and I have always been there whenever my parents needed anything whereas my siblings could never be bothered and yet as they are the older they are the ones who are listened to by my mum and I don’t seem to matter. My folks had a dysfunctional marriage so I think my mum just seems to business as usual. Of course I don’t know how she really is but externally she seems perfectly normal! I really find that hard to deal with.

I think those main events- birthdays, Christmas etc amplify the loss…but posting here will help to get through some of those times.

You take care and don’t give yourself a hard time, be kind- you have understandably have a lot to process so take it in small bits.

x

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