It’s nearly 7 months since my Dad died! We were very close, and I miss him an awful lot, but I thought I’d be coping a bit better than I currently am.
I’m constantly exhausted and getting ill often. Don’t want to do things that I used to enjoy doing, and I’m falling behind in things at work and generally feeling overwhelmed with tasks that I would normally be okay with. I often feel like a rabbit caught in headlights.
Is this “normal” and does it get any easier? Have other people been finding things like work much harder than usual?
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum 7 months ago and I am feeling just the same. I cared for her and my family lived with her for 8 years after the death of her husband. We were really close even though she could be annoying at times I miss her every day, not being able to talk with her is soo hard.
I have not enjoyed all the usual things and the smallest things set me right back and make me tearful and sad. I inherited her dog and he has recently be diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. No one really understands but it feels like it’s happening all over again. She adored her dog and he has been soo happy with us and our dogs. Now I have to make the decision to have him out to sleep when his time comes. It just seems so cruel.
I have her house left empty as I struggle to clear it. It is a beautiful house and so full of her. I sob most of the time I am there and find it hard to just get rid of our family memories. Now I just want to spend time there and work in the garden to feel close to her. I just feel like I am broken and will never be whole again. I have days when it feels a little better but it is the hardest thing I have ever known. I think everyone else is a bit fed up with me.
I hope you find some improvement with time. A friend recommended some homeopathic support which helped with the really dark over whelming grief and I am try positive relaxation/hypnotherapy sessions on u tube when I can. It all helps a little but doesn’t take away the horrid feeling of not feeling I fit anywhere. It does help to know I am not alone so thank you for sharing.
Hi @AlieC I think this is a normal response to the grief caused by a huge loss. I know that my motivation, stamina and enthusiasm for life decreased after the sudden death of my Mum. There’s no time line for grief so sometimes these reactions can creep up on you when you least expect them. Now over a year later and time has moved on and things feel a little different. I still miss my Mum everyday but I am more used to her absence. I suppose I have accepted the loss. When I felt so lacking in energy and motivation I knew it would eventually pass and didn’t force myself to do things I didn’t want to. It’s better to just go with the feelings and know it’s a temporary state. Sending best wishes xx
@AnnaHar I can relate to much of your experience. My Mum died suddenly in January last year. My brother and I were heartbroken but had to make decisions about our Mother’s pets, house and possessions. It was so hard for us at a time when we were reeling from the shock of losing our Mum. Neither of us was in a position to take on her dog or cat so our priority became finding good homes for them. After that we decided to clear the house because all the things were making our grief even harder. It was a brutal experience, sifting through all the things our Mum had cherished in her lifetime! As the months passed we both struggled with visiting the empty house to check on it and maintain the garden. The house sale was hampered by endless delays so that made it worse. After a year it finally sold and then we both had to adjust to the secondary loss that it caused us. It has been quite a journey! I’m not sure it’s easier however you do it… taking a while before clearing the house or sorting it straight away, it’s a hard process. Just know that somehow these difficult times will pass, that’s what I kept telling myself when it all felt so overwhelming. Take care, best wishes xx
Seeing everyone’s experiences here does make me realise I am not alone and not going mad. It does feel like a safe place to express the strangeness of such life changing experiences.
It seems so sad that I can’t just be happier for what I have when soo many are struggling. It is just something that I feel only people who are in a similar situation could really understand.
Hi @AlieC@AnnaHar
I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.
I am feeling the same tings you described, I find it quite frightening as though it’s going to be like this forever.
Having said that, I have just gone back to work on reduced hours and have read a lot about grief online, so at least I know what we go through is absolutely normal.
Recently I have realised that some days are more bearable than others, so on these days I decide to embrace them and try to have a break from grief.
Yesterday was a nice day as I went to town with my daughter.
Today I’m back to a living hell. I think it’s all to do with the triggers, it’s my first Easter without mam.
Regarding the house @AnnaHar I can so understand the situation with your mum’s house. This is causing me so much stress and anxiety, we lost mam on 15th January so still very raw, the house has just gone on the market which caused me to have a meltdown. I have siblings who will be clearing the house eventually, but I just can’t bear the thought of participating. My sister in law has said she would collect anything I wanted to keep. I have some things from the hospital which I can’t even look at yet.
It’s such a hard journey but hopefully at some point we will all find peace
Take care xx
I still have a plastic bag with my Mums scarves in it. I love when I miss her really badly to get them out as they still have her smell on them even after soo much time. It is fading but it enough that it is almost like a hug from her. It is so ridiculous but once these things are gone they are gone fore ever.
I know it doesn’t matter to her now what happens to her things but soo much was precious family bits of China and furniture. I can’t store it all and I can’t keep it all. It feels so wrong to get rid of it all. It breaks my heart
seven months is nothing compared to the loss of a father.
it takes several years to even be able to address it.
take your time and do not expect so much from yourself. time passes as it does and one day it will be years. you will feel better but their void never goes away. counseling helped me tremendously.
Your right I think that the things left behind are the most painful to deal with, its like I want mam’s house to be frozen in time. I think thats whats stopping me going, I just want to remember it how is was
not to belabor the point, but grievers are going mad. it is a natural and just madness. I recall after my father died, the pain was so great, I went mad, if for a few minutes. it was true insanity and I recognized it. grief makes one insane, but something to endure and come out of. we have blocked, as a society, so many “inconvenient” emotions and feelings.
Hiya @berit
I wholeheartedly agree, it’s definitely a madness, but a necessary one, it’s the brain rewiring apparently.
The brain is so powerful, id only we knew how to use it properly, I think we’ve lost the ability to use it more wisely over the centuries.
That is actually a helpful way to look at it. I feel like everything is up in the air and nothing is right anymore. I so want to go back to being the person I was before but it is impossible now. Finding my new way of being with out my Mum is going to take time. 58 years she walked beside me, sometimes for the better sometimes as a worry but always there. That missing part will take time to adjust to. Thank you
@Pixiecat you can still keep all your memories. I visualise everything about my Mum’s house and especially treasure certain memories of different occasions. I managed to keep a cabinet of my Mum’s and display pieces of china and cherished ornaments. It does bring some comfort. Best wishes xx
Thanks for the post. I feel like people expect me to be okay and to be able to work as normal, so it’s bad that I’m not keeping up as I used to. Did you find that with things like work too?
I work in a school but ny extra role means I’m expected to stay another 1-2 hours after the kids have gone home…and at the moment I just can’t do it.
I just feel overwhelmed by a lot of it at the moment and sometimes just getting myself into work is a big thing for me.
Yes i lost my mum last November 23, im finding im more anxious in work definitely not tha same person I was.
I too have a more responsible role which im also trying to adapt to.
