It’s just over 6 months since my husband died and everyone says how well I’m doing - I’m not!
I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything that has now become my sole responsibility. The probate, the general admin, the garden, the house with its wallpaper peeling off.
I’ve cut down my working days to 2 per week and everyone says how I must feel better having work to focus on for a couple of days and how lucky I am just to be working only 2 days.
I don’t - I’m just there as I need to earn something.
My husband and I loved each other dearly but we weren’t like a lot of couples who spent every waking moment doing things together. He enjoyed work and a pint; I enjoyed my hobbies and the theatre but suddenly I have all the time but no inclination to do any of those things. I find I’m just sitting and wasting each day.
Hi Gingerkitty, I’m so sorry about the death of your husband, I was like you, although happily married, we had totally different interests, but it still hit me hard, when I had to deal with everything myself, I found it overwhelming at first, I started doing things in the house that I’d always wanted to do, this kept me busy, also my dog helped me enormously, I had to get up and walk every day in the fresh air, I was also told how well I was coping, when in actual fact I wasn’t, I got very good at putting on a front when meeting other people, at one point I had 2 insurances on the house, because I’d no idea who we were insured with or when it was due for renewal, I’ve since found out that what I did was illegal!!! It has got easier and I now know what I’m doing some of the time, keep strong, it will get easier, sending love Jude xx
Thank you for taking time to reply.
It means a lot that someone understands.
K x
Hi Gingerkitty, so sorry for your loss.
I love Jude28’s post saying things will get easier, it gives me hope that us here can at some point find peace. I understand things have changed forever but I long for the time I can look back and smile at my beautiful memories with my wife. Sending loads of love
Joe x
Hi @Gingerkitty, I’m so sorry about your loss. It’s been fifteen months for me and I work too Monday to Friday. I’ve been told work helps you to focus but many days I struggle with motivation and the job I once loved is a hard going now.
I have to keep going until I retire next year, bills to be paid.
My hubby and I did lots of things together, he wasn’t one for going out on his own, but he never minded me going out with friends. But you are right now nothing is stopping me but I often can’t be bothered alot of the time.
Suddenly having to do everything around the house from DIY to gardening and make all the decisions you used to make together is overwhelming.
Jude said it gets easier, I would be more likely to say you learn to adjust to a different way of going forward and that road isn’t alway easy.
Sending love
Debbie X
Inn so grateful for replies. It helps knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Outwardly I look as if I’m coping; I’ve always been a capable no nonsense person but I feel like I’ve lost a lot of confidence. Had some panic attacks ( not like me at all) and thought I was going to die — so I don’t seem to recognise the person I’ve become. I’m 68 and suddenly feel old!
Gingerkitty
What you’ver said resonates with how I feel. I was a self assured person and could manage situation, I loved life. Now as with you my confidence has gone, I am always anxious, worried about death and generally feel overwhemed with life. I have constant fear and wonder how can I carry on?
Apparently these are feelings a lot of people go through when something tragic happens and they should settle to an extent at some point. I truly hope so and believe they will, I have to believe they will. I have signed up for counselling, don’t know if that is something that might help you but I figure it can do any harm. I even worry about the counselling, my brain is so tired and empty, however I take solace from hearing these are emotions which will calm down. Sending love and hope you find some peace.
Joe x
Joe, thank you so much. It’s scary enough without feeling like I’m going to die. My children are grown up but the youngest lives with me and losing his dad has been hard enough for him.
Hi Gingerkitty, I am so sorry for your loss. - My brother died of a heart attack four month ago. I have been told that It takes 12 Month or more to feel better. There was a time when I was impatient and wanted to do too many things at the same time. It did not work and I had a setback of about three weeks. Now, I only listen to what my body tells me. (Well, it is easy for me because I am 70 and I no longer work.)
Give yourself time to grieve, it has only been six months. If you suffer from anxiety and cannot sleep, perhaps you might want to read up on melatonin. I still take 12mg each night instead of sleeping tablets. - Please look up the side effects if you consider taking it. Do not watch any TV after taking the melatonin or it might not work. - Some claim that a high dose of vitamin D3 helps against anxiety. I do take vitamin D3 all the time because I do not get enough sun. We definitely do not get enough during the winter months and it can take some time for our body to build up our vitamin D3 level again. If you are not sure, you could ask your GP for a test. (If you get nose bleeds without any cause, you probably do not get enough vitamin D3.)
In case you do not know, there are two good organisations that help people with bereavement. - I have called them several times. I just wish I had found them earlier.
Cruse Bereavement Support: https://www.cruse.org.uk/ - (Check the opening hours)
Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/ - (You can contact them any time.)
Take care
Nick
Thanks for your reply.
I regularly take vitamin D tablets, as recommended to me during lockdown. I also take biotin. I’m not s great one for taking tablets but I was told that, if I do nothing else these 2 are important.
Thank you; I really appreciate your comments. X
After my parents passed , both were expected passings, I felt I was “unravelling” & paid for counseling.
I wasn’t convinced it was for me or if it helped me - possibly it did because when
my hubby passed suddenly with no warning 16 months ago, I don’t feel I’m “unravelling” but have a whole different range of emotions.
Certainly doesnt’ do any harm to find out if it helps.
Only my opinion -
G .x
Can I help as I feel exactly the same nobody to share with. I was married for 54 years and he was my life
It’s 5 month since my husband died. (I Still can’t believe I’m saying that). I’m Still over whelmed by he’s loss. I feel so alone . I have grownup kids but they have their own life’s to live. I fell and broke my left humuorus (upper arm bone) a month to the day and time Keith passed. It’s awful struggling to do things on my own and trying to cope with the grief as well. The bone isn’t healing well and might have to have an operation to fix it. I don’t want this as there’s no one to help me afterwards. Feeling really sorry for myself today. Thanks for listening xxxxx
I lost my husband in February after 54 yrs together. It feels as though I have been punched in the chest. Like you I have a grown son of 49 but don’t very often see him or his family. The feeling of loneliness is unbearable. Are you anywhere near St John’s Wood maybe we could meet and have a coffee I think we could both do with a friend. I hope you break starts to heal for you. Keep
In touch xx
Is there anybody who lives near St John’s Wood who fancies meeting for a coffee. I am so lonely after my husband died in February it feels as though I have been punched in the chest. I have no one close to me most of my relatives have passed away and I don’t like to bother my young niece as she has had enough sorrow I her life losing her mum my sister when she was 14 then her dad 10 yrs later. If there is anybody who would like a chat and coffee please let me know.
Sorry for your loss vdineen and to everyone else here who is suffering. I live in Plymouth so a bit too far to travel but good luck on your journey. We have a club here called Andy Mans who meet up, I will try and find the courage to go and participate. Strange as I was never bothered about meeting people but now even things like that fill me with anxiety,
Thanks for everyone who are here and who offer help and advice, also sending love to everyone in torment.
Joe x
Dear Joe
I know exactly how you feel when you go somewhere for the first time on your own the anxiety is unbearable when my husband Bill
was here things like that wouldn’t have bothered me. Yes Plymouth is a bit far to come of a coffee shame. Look after yourself Joe and anyone else who is suffering 
Six months in but it still feel like only yesterday.
Some days are ok but there comes a time when I’ve just run out of steam, putting on a brave face is exhausting,
Thank you to everyone who has commented - it lessens that feeling of being the only one going through this.