Feeling pressure to move on

I’m 24 and I lost my mum in January and I am really really not coping. I can’t see a future anymore and I just can’t face doing anything. I started a new job in the police 3 weeks ago and I’ve hated it. I feel so out my depth and it’s way too much change and I feel like it’s just completely the wrong time. It would have been a dream job but I just can’t face it, it’s way too much. I’ve been seeing a counsellor who thinks I’m depressed and should get signed off work for a couple of weeks but this is awkward when I’ve just started. I’m terrified of annoying everyone at work if I take time off but I’ve hardly had any time off since mum died and especially with covid I’ve not seen any family. My family (cousins etc) and boyfriend tell me that it’s always hard starting a new job and that I should just try going for daily walks (like that’s a miraculous cure) and that one day I’ll feel better and mum would want me to stick with the job. So unhelpful and I’m sick of people who have 0 idea thinking they know best. I feel like people would be disappointed if I took time off and I just don’t know what to do any more. I feel like I’m drowning and I really need some help but no one is listening to me and everyone is just belittling how I feel

Hi rach,
I understand how you feel. I still feel the same as you and it’s been nearly a year for me since my mum died suddenly. Starting a new job in a pressurised environment will of course be difficult. Once you know what you are doing it can provide a great distraction but to try and learn your new role while your mind isnt in it is very difficult. Dont give up.
Can you get your line manager to do a referral to occupational health? They can get you some counselling if that’s what you need or you may just need some more time off.
Dont feel you have to give up on your dream job. It’s still very early days for you.
Cheryl x

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I totally get how you feel. I lost my mum on 25th February, buried her on 17th March. I tried to return to work early in March, before the funeral but lasted a week before I had to be signed off.
I was meant to go back but then school was shut because of the virus. I’m suffering with anxiety and depression and there is no way I would be able to be in work right now - I can’t even do the distance teaching bit.

The feeling of guilt and the pressure to just get on with things is so hard to cope with and on top of a new job it’s no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Try not to get annoyed by people’s ‘helpful’ suggestions. They’re just trying to support you but unless they’ve experienced the same loss as you they’ll have no idea what you’re going through.

You need to take the time necessary to get your head right. Don’t worry about ‘annoying’ people at work. You’ll be more of an annoyance if you’re in work and your depression impacts your ability to perform your duties.

There is a point, there is a future, and as bleak as it seems at the moment it will have many bright spots. It will always have the shadow of loss and every happy moment will have a tinge of sadness but we’ll learn to live with it. I try to think of what I can do to honour mum’s memory and make her proud. I fail at that regularly but I keep trying and I think that’s what’s important.

Thankyou so much I can’t tell you how much this messaged helped. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum too, and that you’re struggling to get back into work. Sometimes there feels like so much pressure to try and just ‘move on’ and get back into normal life.
I’ve taken today off sick to get a doctors appointment and I’m riddled with anxiety and panicking that everyone at work will be annoyed and make me feel uncomfortable when I’m back. I wish I could just give myself a break. So fed up feeling like this. starting a new job combined with everything else is just proving too much. You’re exactly right, I want to make mum proud, I just wish she was here to help me through it as silly as that sounds. I just feel so numb and empty and lost. No idea what to do about work either, my counsellor said I could get signed off work but if I’m only a few weeks in then I don’t know how that would work. Sorry for moaning just feel really lonely xxx

Hi Cheryl, Thankyou for your lovely message! I’ve spoken to the counselling service through work and they’ve been quite helpful. It just seems so overwhelming to have to be the new girl at work in a stressful environment and cope with everything else going on. It’s so hard isn’t it. I hope youre doing okay :heart:

The grief is very isolating. Even when talking to people who have been through it - everyone’s circumstances are different.

Most people at work will completely sympathise and those that don’t wouldn’t be your sort of people anyway so stuff ‘em.

Take care xx

Dear RachWBA,
Thank you for your honest post about how you feel. You will have seen from the answers you have received that there are people on this site who are listening and who will not belittle how you feel, because we have been there. For people who have not lost a parent it is hard to understand how it throws your whole world upside down. Let others encourage you, but do not get pressured. Try not to worry too much about what other people will think or say, listen to your own heart and take steps when you feel ready to. xxx

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Wow. You just described exactly how I feel. I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you’re experiencing.

I’ve been a massage therapist for 22 years, and I’ve always put my clients before my own needs even because I’m a people pleaser. And my dad just died less than two months ago after me being his caregiver while maintaining my business for the last four years. I essentially had to close down my business because I can’t imagine the thought of serving other people especially Emma this virus. I’m feeling a lot of pressure to just move on. I just don’t have anything to give any more. And I feel like it’s time I start giving myself what I need. I have a hard time disappointing other people and even my friends don’t want much to do with me anymore because I’ve always been the strong fun one. And now that I am vulnerable and needy, I’m being completely misunderstood. I also have zero desire to be around people. I understand my inbox is open anytime

Hi RachWBA,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my lovely dad nearly 12 weeks, at the same time as training in my ‘dream career’. I’ve worked through and up till recently it has been a life line, despite feeling the newbie and that I’m no good, but a distraction none the less. It’s more when I’m not working the emotions crash. Recently tho, I feel so close to breaking. The pressure, especially something new with everything your expected to just know but then I find time at home unbearable, too much time to think… As impossible as it feels, it seems there’s no escaping this grief. I am very close to saying enough, I need a break, I need time and face the imaginary consequences that swim around my mind. As far as other people, if they are cold hearted enough to judge you for losing one of or the most significant part of your being… they have no humanity but I think they are very few and far between. I’m sorry to ramble, what I’m trying to say is I’m fast learning when you lose someone as significant as your mum, my dad, it becomes a battle of survival. People really will understand, now really is the most understandable time to take time out if that’s what you need. Sending you much love :heart:

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Wow your story just described me when my dad died 6 years ago. (My mum died recently which is why I joined this wonderful site dont know what I would do without it, people on here are amazingly supportive to each other considering we are essentially strangers but we are the only people who understand each other.) Not the massage therapist but all the things about friends abandoning me when I needed them and me being the strong one. You don’t need to feel you have to move on people shouldn’t pressure you. You need to do what you feel is right for you. I want to be around people and be supported but at the same time I don’t want to be around people and hear all their happy family stories. Its too hard. I am here for you if you need me. Its time you got some support too. You know if I won the lottery I would create a place for people who are bereaved and suffering and needing some care and support to go on holiday, a retreat where they could be cared for and get counselling and explore different ways of dealing with all aspects of their grief. If you need support yourself get in touch. I am here not everyday but once or twice a week. Take care.

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Just thank you Meebee. That means so much. I’m here for you as well🙃

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You’re not alone! I recently turned 25 a few weeks ago, lost my dad in May after his short ‘battle’. I’m lucky that my work have been supported from day dot, giving me time when I needed to take dad to chemo, time to work from home during lockdown so I could be his carer. I returned to work on 8th June and feel like I’m just constantly treading water, trying to keep my head above water. Feel like they’ve forgotten what’s gone and and trying to deal with my mums grief at the same time is impossible. I feel like everyone just thinks ‘oh she hasn’t said anything so she must be fine’ and just pile on the workload. I don’t want to let people down either, but I did crack one day last week and just had to walk away and go home and sob. Today is a bad day, but I’m trying to find a positive in each day. Even if it’s something small! Today’s pocket of positivity is I haven’t sworn at anyone :joy:. Hope it all gets easier for you and everyone else going through this. I’m new to this and it’s so nice to see I’m not alone. Take care! B x

Thinking of you too. Nice that even though you are going through a lot that you can even make a wee joke sometimes that is what keeps us going. Your post made me feel for you and all the hard time you went through and are still going through its not easy. Maybe you could say to your work that well the time off you took was to be a carer and you were still working I know what thats like. Remind your boss that you still need support because you are grieving yourself and it doesn’t go away overnight when it is someone really close and that not only that but you have to also look after your mum who needs your support and that you are feeling the pressure and do they have any options to support you in this. I dont know your job position but if you are in a high pressure position could you either take a step down for a little while ie take a slightly lesser job or maybe you could do a few less hours go part time if you can afford it and if they will let you even one day a week less can make all the difference or ask if you can job share your job for a little while. Maybe someone else would like to be trained up and maybe they could take the pressure off a bit. Dont feel like your failing by asking for help you are only failing yourself if you dont ask for the help in the first place. Talk to your personnel officer/HR dept. Find out your options tell them you feel the pressure of the work at the moment say normally you reveal in the challenge but right now its too much you do need to work but you need to find a better balance and what can they do to help you. You are not letting anyone down and if someone makes you Also you are still very young at 25 to have gone through everything that you have gone through. Stop being so hard on yourself. You have been doing amazing. Take care