Feeling pressured

I lost my partner earlier in the year to a fatal heart attack, he collapsed on me and I had to start CPR. I feel traumatised by this.
His daughter however has told me I have had enough time to ‘process’ what happened and should by now have started sorting his things out ( nothing of monetary value) . She has never lived in our home, I am not ready to do this and have said as much. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Hi lost50,
I am so sorry about the loss of your partner I too lost my husband to a heart attack so know how you are feeling. I think with sudden death we have a bit ptsd how can we not. I have two step daughter’s who were suggesting I did the same with regard to sorting their Dads things out which ended in a massive barney as I too was nowhere near ready to do so. Some people are never ready to sort out clothes and personal items others do it quickly but you do what you want when you want. Don’t let the Daughter dictate to you. Give her a memento of her Dad and tell her once again you are nowhere near ready to start sorting through his things. She cannot begin to understand your loss and if she has had enough time to ‘process’ her Dad’s passing then she’s blooming lucky!


Thank you for your reply.
It is incredibly hard, I don’t want his things moved. I am quite comfortable with them around me but it’s almost as if she wants it all dealt with like ‘thats it,job done’. When you have lived with a person for 20+ years its not that simple.x


It’s been 9 months for me and I still have Colin’s toothbrush in the holder, his mug on the draining board and his watch on the bedside table. I have done his clothes though and had cushions and a memory bear made from them. My friend who lost her husband at Christmas said she will leave his clothes as she can never imagine opening the wardrobe and not seeing them. We are all different we all use different coping strategies so you do what works for you. The daughter sounds as you say like she wants it over and done with then it’s time to move on :angry: She has no say in what you do especially if she doesn’t live there so don’t let her influence you, take it a day at a time and one day down the line you may be ready but if you are never ready then that’s ok too. There are no rules and no right or wrongs remember that x


Thank you. I never expected to be a ‘widow’ so young.:disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved:

Its a living nightmare :sob: x

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Hi Lost50
12 weeks ago today I went through exactly the same. My husband had a cardiac arrest at home and I did CPR till the paramedics took over. Sadly he suffered extensive brain damage and I had to say goodbye to him in hospital 12 days later. I still have all his stuff and will not move anything till I am ready. I’m sure there will be one day I will wake up and think right get it done but till then it stays put. Please go with how you are feeling and do it when it feels right. I am 53 and also feel too young to be a widow. Frankie and I only had 12 years together. I feel robbed. I think learning to deal with the trauma and trying to heal is the most important thing right now. Thinking of you. Take care💙

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So sorry Blue1. I have had to make many sacrifices over the last 20 weeks just so I can pay the mortgage etc so that has been hard too.
And you are right, dealing with the trauma and healing are whats important now. I am not quite 50 yet, I never thought I would have to deal with this so young.
Take care x


Hi. Lost50. Welcome to the site. I am so very sorry for your loss, and to be worried about what his daughter says is adding to your pain. If she can’t see that then she must be pretty hard hearted. It’s too soon to make any decisions anyway. Do what YOU want to do. So you have had enough time to ‘process’ what has happened!!! Well, I sincerely hope she never has to experience this pain. You deal with it by being firm. It seems you are the one in grief. At the risk of upsetting someone remember, it’s your partner who has been lost. OK, so it was her dad and you should be supporting one another not being pressurised. Take care. You already have had some good replies. Please come back and talk to us if you wish. John.

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Thank you for your kind words x

Hi Lost50 -I’m so sorry for how you are feeling-I can relate to your situation fully-my husband was diagnosed with cancer in June and died in July and I too am a widow in my 50s and losing him has been devastating,His estranged daughter who he hadn’t seen for 5 years is now demanding to know what she is entitled to and wants his ashes. I am struggling with grief and just don’t need this extra stress and also don’t know how to deal with it.

So sorry for your loss Trac.
We had to split ashes, I knew his wishes but because he never told her she wanted to do something else. It’s so hard isn’t it? I have flashbacks etc but apparently should have processed what happened. I am truly heartbroken. X

Hi Trac
and list 50. When my Ron died my daughters never spoke to me for nearly a year.My eldest daughter had a fire at her home just after Ron died.It was on Chistmas day and I hardly knew what I was doing.I helped her best I could and took her and my grand daughter in to live with me until things were sorted. We had words because she brought her cats and she was so untidy.She left then and never got in touch again.My other daughter took her side and I lived nearly a full year with no support and absolutely heartbroken. I was so lonely and was even ignored when it was my grand daughter’s prom day. Eventually we made up and things became on an even keel again but they never apologised and never talk of the effect it had on me. I put it down to ignorance and a lack of understanding. They were not my Ron’s children but I just wish they understood how much it hurt me. Sorry to have gone off track a little but just wanted you to know that people do not realise the effects that their actions cause when you are at the lowest point of your lifex

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Good Morning. I totally get all the advice. Me and my son are on a pre booked holiday this week that was going to be with our wife and mam. We have scattered the ashes as she wanted. So many people at home have offered help that I have asked somebody to organise my wife’s clothes including who to give what to. I go back tomorrow to an empty wardrobe. My advice is that you don’t have to do what you cannot face doing by yourself. Take care of yourselves

Hi, heres an update on the messages I have been recieving from my partners daughter who thinks I should have processed what happened by now.
She has looked through his bank statements and can see he bought some kitchen appliances ( a cooker and an air fryer) which shes happy for me to keep !!! Wow,just wow. I am gobsmacked that she is even considering putting these on probate forms. They were bought as part of our home.
Don’t think I can be shocked by anything anymore.