I am so glad to have found this site of caring, understanding people. I mostly read others posts and replies and find them so helpful and comforting. It is helpful to know that others are experiencing the same feelings I am and that I am not losing my mind or reacting in some strange way.
It also helps to be reassured by others on this forum that this is a long process that takes time and patience and we must deal with it at our own pace.
In contrast, some of my family and friends seem not to understand at all. I believe they love me but it seems as though they are so uncomfortable with my grief that they need me to be over it. Not for my sake but for theirs. They canât handle it. Others tell me how strong I am. I have become cynical about this. It seems as though they need to reassure themselves about how strong and capable I am to handle everything so they donât have to feel guilty about not wanting to be present to my pain.
Lately, I have been experiencing some very dark nights of the soul. The pain almost seems worse than it was when my husband first died. I must have been numb and also had so many practical details to deal with that I couldnât experience the full measure of grief. Now I am being slammed by waves of grief so intense at times. It is almost as if my body has overtaken my mind. I canât control it. I have waves of anxiety. My body starts to shake and tears just stream out of my eyes. And I have to try to hide this from most because they expect me to be over âitâ by now. It has been six and a half months since my husbandâs death . So I cocoon at homeâeasier to do because of Covid. I am trying to be kind to myself and take it one day at a time. I realize others are reacting in the best way they know how but frankly I feel best on my own as others just make it worse most of the time.
Hi. Jane. What a lovely and thoughtful post. Itâs why I stay on this site because of people like you. There is no question of rushing grief. It will take itâs own time in its own way. Never let anyone âjolly you alongâ or tell you you should be âover it by nowâ. What nonsense people do talk, but they need to be forgiven because they donât understand. You are not going crazy. Get that right out of your mind. Anxiety almost inevitably follows such a loss as you have experienced. A real life trauma. Six and a half months is no time at all. You shake because your nerves are all over the place. Our bodies respond to fear in this way when we are fearful of the future and what might happen. When it happens go with it. Donât try and not feel the pain. Let emotions have their full rein. Of course, on your own is best or with a counsellor or trusted friend. A real friend will hold your hand in times of trouble, and only speak when necessary. No advice, just comfort.
You mention the âDark night of the Soul.â Have you read the âCloud of unknowingâ written by a medieval monk? He talks about that and his faith. He also talks about âThe dark cloud that breaks with Blessings on your headâ. This dark cloud we are all under can break with Blessings. It is possible. Take care and try and be kind to yourself. John.
Hi Jane I feel exactly the same I thought I was doing ok ish nearly 7 months with me omg I get so many waves of emotions itâs awful. I think we tell people family we are doing fine but weâre not. Very sorry for your loss
@jane2âŚI think your family and friends are trying their best. Iâd like to think so. More often than not itâs that people donât quite know what to say, and donât want to repeat themselves either. They feel somehow that once they have done the sympathy bit itâs perhaps best to let you sort it your own way. They donât want to bring stuff up that they can see hurts you. Iâm coming up on the half year myself, and the strangest thing was the first thing that started to bother me was noticing that the day lengths are the same, that the dark evenings in the early part of the year are so like now. Just reminds you of the shape of the days I used to spend in the early part of the year, the length of the days as I saw her dying. I think people donât want to see you suffer, either, and think if they keep on âbringing it upâ youâll never kind of make any progress. but the thing is, and this site has taught me this quickâŚonly been here about a month or so - there IS no steady progress, itâs not like building a house brick by brick till, hey presto, youâre all fixed and can move into your brand spanking new life. You build a little bit when you can, then you feel like rubbish again, and bits of the new world you feel you ought to be moving on into gets knocked down, and so it goes onâŚand it will go on at its own pace as well. You canât change it. Try not to fight it. Iâve had a couple of good days this week. got a fair bit of âstuffâ done, but to be honest it all feels like Iâve just been stacking deckchairs on the Titanic today⌠nothingâs really changed. But in reality it has. Iâve chalked up some chores, nearly electrocuted myself with some DIY and and am looking forward to a night of some really wacky dreams, where I think the real business of grief goes on. All sorts of memories and worries and stuff are being churned up in there, filed away, dealt with. So, when you say you feel rushed. Please donât. It took a while for the message from the good people on this site to sink inâŚyou must go at your own speed. It would be helpful if you could find somebody who would just LISTEN, too, people like us here, or a professional. Not people who chime in with apparently well meaning stuff about progress, but just let you talk about what you want and when you want. If you want to talk about your loss, and more importantly, your love, and how awful you feel right this minute then fine. You take your time.
Dear Jane
I just finished a book about grief and you made me smile because you said so many things that are mentioned in the book
Yes - Some people want us to be Get over grief very quick for many reasons : they donât know how to cope with it, because they love you they want to fix you - maybe avoid seeing these people .
The wonderful part of this book is when she says thatâ grief is part of love - and when we love we do so knowing we will lose what we loveâ and so true we are grieving because live this person that is not with us physically
How long ago you lost your husband?
Those dark moments we have a normal - Jack died 2 years ago , from the outside I am just fine - but I have my dark moments, I have moments when I am overwhelmed by sadness
My best advice for you is avoid the people that makes you low, listen to yourself and do what you want
Big big hug
Sadie xx
Thank you to all of you for your kind, supportive and very helpful replies. I have read the messages many times each. They each contain something so helpful and touching. Thank you for taking the time and sharing your insights, your struggles and your painful journey. I have taken an important message from each and every one. I continue to be so grateful for this website and all the caring people on it. With a grateful heart, Jane2
Dear Jane,
You are not alone in what you experience from family and friends telling you that you are strong. In one, brief sentence they make themselves feel better and us feel worse. It isnât malicious, just insensitive as they donât want the responsibility of having to deal with our frailty at this terrible time. It makes us feel worse because we are immediately put in the position of having to live up to someone elseâs idea of how we should be dealing with the worst and most bewildering time of our lives. Perhaps we should have the courage to challenge them and say, âWell I hope it gives you some comfort to believe that.â
This sounds bitter because, exactly 5 months after my husbandâs death, I feel hurt and even more bewildered than at the beginning when everyone was declaring how I mustnât feel alone, that they would always be ready to help and, " be there for me". I have no family or friends close by and am in no-oneâs âbubbleâ. Where are all the people who came to the funeral or wrote to me to tell me how they would support me?
It isnât surprising that this should happen as they all must get on with their lives. Their world canât be expected to stop just because ours has but how I wish that they would try to give a thought to someone, not only bereft but in complete isolation as well. How much time would it take for them to send a quick, honest enquiry about how we are managing and be prepared to listen with a bit of patience when we reply.
I donât really know what it means to be strong in this context. Itâs an easy phrase and saves any of us having to think or imagine too much. I think I am mentally strong enough to deal with day to day matters but emotionally and physically I am weak. Itâs no good trying to demand that others understand. They do or they donât, which is why this forum exists. We all hurt, uniquely but our individual pain enables us to understand how others are feeling. Those of us who have lost our lifeâs partner and soulmate, in my case, after nearly 6 decades of marriage, suddenly find ourselves in the position of coming first with no-one after being everything to someone. It is a pain and helplessness like nothing I ever could have imagined.
I get brief glimpses of how things WILL get better and how I might manage my changed circumstances. Perhaps this stiffens my resolve. Through the worst times I tell myself that this is my gift to my husband. I have said elsewhere on this forum that I would have changed places with him in that hospital bed but now I realize that because I am going through this torment, he will not. He will never have to suffer this and I am grateful and strengthened by that knowledge.
Forget the bit about being strong. All you can do is just BE. At times we can rise to the challenge and do what is necessary. There will be occasions when getting out of bed or eating seem pointless and we just seem unable to do it. Up to now I have made myself get up, shower and dress every morning and made myself eat something three times a day, if only a piece of toast or bowl of porridge. I have these at set times to try to establish a bit of structure in these featureless, empty days. I donât know whether what I do counts as weak or strong and I donât care. You are right, I think to focus on the moment and live through that is the best thing to do. For now, I canât look back to especially happy times (or even ordinarily happy times) because they are reminders of what has been lost rather than reminders of the rich blessings we have enjoyed - for now. I believe this will change. God bless you.
Dear Prof, I could not have have put how you feel any better, it could have been written by me. I so sorry for your loss my husband passed in June so its 5 months soon. I feel the same as you do. But well done you on having structure in your day. I find it too difficult and tend to go to sleep very late and sleep in late. But it is how I feel at the moment. I wish you well, take care Margarita
Dear Prof,
How well you express it all. I really do think that âyou are so strongâ line is often a cop out. Of course there are some who truly mean it, but others just assuage their own guilt that way. We are so strong and capable , so they donât need to be there for us. In the end we are on our own on this grief journey. I have come to a place where I donât really expect too much from othersâand I am not disappointed! (At least thatâs what I tell myself). I too donât think itâs malicious or cruel. I just think it is the reality. All those people who are there for us in the beginning, fall away one by one as their lives march on and they have their own concerns. Of course Covid makes everything more difficult. We canât really see others in person and everyone is wrapped up in their own difficulties. What an awful time.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am so sorry you are in this place that none of us wants to be. This grief journey is difficult and painful and we have to find out best way thru it. The best advice I have received on this site is to take one day at a time, take it slowly and be patient and kind to myself, as it is a long road. It is difficult to follow this advice, but it is most helpful when I do. My husband died seven months ago, and there are days and times when I am knocked to my knees with grief. I have learned to keep a lot of that to myself as most donât really understand. I would rather deal with it alone than hear some false cheer from others who are trying to jolly me along. This is what is so wonderful about this forum. We can feel free to express our deepest and truest emotions without fear of being told we should be âover itâ by now. People here can understand where we are coming from and are truly supportive. It is comforting and helpful to see ourselves mirrored in the posts of others.
Thank you so much for your expressive reply. It resonated deeply with me. Wishing you well, Jane2
Hi @jane2, I feel the same as you. I lost my husband of 2yrs (64) 8mths ago. My sister just keeps saying you have to focus on mum now.as if I could put Bill in a box and put him at the back of the cupboard for later. My mum (88) was diagnosed with cancer 8wks ago and is going through chemo. I love mum to bits and my twin sister and I share staying over as Dad is 90 and couldnât cope. I have to put on my brave face for 4 days and then come home and I collapse for 4. I have never missed Bill more. My sister goes home to her husband but I go home to an empty house with no hugs or reassurance itâs torture. I canât sleep and count the hours until I am back down at mums with company and I sleep well there. I know mum would be there for me as she was before taking ill but she has now a big fight on her hands and the last thing she needs is for me to burden her. I am struggling to cope and I canât see a way out. Doctor has me on anti depressants but I donât think they work although donât want to be drugged up either. Mums treatment will go on until February and I just canât âbe strongâ until then.
Oh Shonzie,
You have so much on your plate right now. My heart goes out to you. You must be stretched so thin. Having to deal with your Motherâs illness on top of dealing with the loss of your dear husband is quite a load to carry. This grief journey we are on is hard enough. It is difficult for others to understand and they usually mean well but are not in our shoes, so canât really comprehend the depth of our grief. I am sending you virtual hugs and will be thinking of you. Jane2
My dear, I donât know what to say to you. You are grieving on so many levels and I just donât know how to comfort you. People do say insensitive things and your sister, hurting too, just doesnât understand. No-one who has not been through this loss can understand. What does âbe strongâ actually mean anyway? It means that people expect you to go about as though nothing has happened so that they no longer need to worry about you. Supporting someone who is bereaved must be one of the most difficult roles anyone can play so we comfort ourselves when we tell someone, âYouâre a strong woman.â Until it happens to us we donât know what we are talking about. All you can do is try to forgive your sisterâs ignorance. How CAN she know or even guess what you are going through. As you say, she returns to the comfort and relief of her husbandâs arms after her âshiftâ. How many times in the day do we all long for that feeling of being held so tightly that we know we are safe, canât fall, will stay inside our skin? My husband and I have been through sorrows and losses during our almost 6 decades together but through our tears we have always been able to hold on to one another and say, âAs long as we have each other weâll get through this.â Now there are no arms to hold us, no-one at all for me in this lockdown as I have no family or friends nearby and I am not in a âbubbleâ. The government seems to think that is the answer to everything, overlooking the fact that, for some, a bubble is a luxury beyond our reach.
I am so sorry you canât sleep when you go home as that will be part of what causes you to feel your desolation more acutely. Anti depressants? Hmmm. My doctor has tried to persuade me but I really donât want to have to start relying on and possibly becoming dependent on drugs. Does your local council run a bereavement counselling service or have an adult mental health team? I have been receiving exceptional help from my town council. Just the weekly call from a dedicated team member every week is something to look forward to and she not only listens but has put in place actual, practical help for me too. Some of this needs to be paid for but some of it is part of the free service.
Another piece of irritating advice from others is, âBe good to yourself.â We know what they mean but I wonder if they do. It is just something to say when they have no actual advice or help to give. Once again, itâs over to us to do whatever it takes (be strong, be kind). During the 4 days when you are at home can you find a way of existing in one moment at a time? I talk to myself and tell myself what I am having for my lunch or that I need to answer an email or put the bins out - something I have never done before and another shock to the system. I make myself prepare and eat 3 meals a day to give some structure to my day but WHAT I eat is my choice, The times are set and I have what I like to call a proper meal in the middle of the day. Sitting down in the evening to a cooked dinner is not a prospect I can face. Also, if I decide that for my tea, my last meal of the day and eaten at 5 p.m., I am going to have just cake or ice-cream and fruit, itâs my business. During the week I make sure I have all the food groups and try to have a balance every day but, occasionally, if I want a whole packet of Jaffa Cakes and nothing else, thatâs what I have. It is a rare occurrence but it has happened.
Advice about remembering the good times falls on deaf ears in my case. There were no bad times and remembering special events or the things that made us happiest, are the things that twist the knife for me, knowing that never again will they happen. My strategy is to do what I am doing, focus on that, suppress memories but I donât exclude David. I speak to him. âDonât let me forget to take the meat out of the freezer.â âIâve had enough of this cauliflower. Iâll have it tomorrow with some cheese sauce.â He is always in my mind and in the present but I cannot let myself remember - not yet, unless Iâm with other people (not possible in lockdown) or speaking on the 'phone. Then I can reminisce for as long as they will put up with it.
I hope the knowledge that there ARE people and you will find them on this forum, who understand your grief, gives you some emotional support. It has been the case for me and I could not have imagined that anything would ease my pain.
God bless you.
Thank you @jane2 & @Prof for your love and advice. I have been seeing a counsellor and I felt she was doing me good until everything blew up with mum. I know anti depressants arenât a long term thing but I just need to get through the next few months with mum (not that I think they are working for me anyway.
As you say prof. My sister doesnât know what Iâm going through but I donât think she tries hard enough to understand. My daughter called last night and a few minutes later appeared at the door with one of her dogs. She said âyou sounded so sad mum so thought as I canât stay you might like Bertie cuddles instead. She is so thoughtful and she has a lot going on too. My son and grandson are in Dublin so not seen them in nearly a year and miss them so much.
Back down to mums this morning.
Shona x
Dear Shonzie,
Someone once told me I would never be given a burden too heavy for me to carry so, being a Christian, I believe that He knows I will cope with what is happening to me. It doesnât stop me shaking my fist at Him and asking for a bit of help at times - nearly all the time. Perhaps this site is my answer and the help I need.
I understand what you mean about your sister not trying hard enough. My brother is exactly the same. He lives hundreds of miles away so has a good excuse for not doing anything practical but he openly admits that he doesnât understand why I suffer as I do. He loved and admired my husband so much and has shed his own tears and yet, his tears now shed, he canât understand why mine wonât stop. He and his wife love each other dearly. In fact he worships her but they lead very separate lives, having completely different friends and interests. They know this is going to happen to one of them of course and have discussed it and believe that they will each cope very well in their own way. All I can say is, they have yet to find out how they will cope. For our part, my husband and I always knew that the one left would suffer dreadfully. We have no children or grandchildren on whom to focus and, being the youngest of our group of friends, I am the only one left. I am in no-oneâs bubble, donât drive and would be afraid to get into a taxi. I have to rely on necessary provisions being delivered when I can get a slot and on rare occasions, the kindness of a neighbour. herself in poor health. I have always had a well stocked store cupboard but my supplies are running low. I donât seem able to care or to be motivated to settle down to write a proper list. At the first hurdle when trying to order online I just give up.
Your daughter sounds a treasure. God bless.
@Prof. I so feel for you with no family close and a brother who doesnât understand. It must be so hard for you and sending you hugs. In our 12 wonderful years together Bill and I had the same friends and we did most things together apart from his retired submariner ârun ashoresâ(booze ups) and his golf (he promised to teach me when we retired). I know what you mean about what doesnât kill you makes you stronger and God wouldnât give you anything he doesnât believe you could cope with but I really think he has got it wrong this time. I really donât think I can do this. I am trying not to look ahead but itâs so hard not to. The winter looking after mum and not seeing my family or friends. Even my daughter is scared to see me too often as knows I will be going back to look after her Nana. I know I am so lucky to have her living close by. I will really try an cope and speak again with my counsellor on Friday.
Thank you again for your all your kind replies
Yes, Shonzie, you CAN do it. We all can. I must tell myself this. I too am having a telephone counselling session on Friday. I shall think of you as I prepare myself for the encounter, which, I understand, I am lucky to have. Let us both try to be confident that we shall take something positive from our session. With love. xx
Thank you for your kind words @Prof. I am trying just seems an upward climb but I will get there. As my daughter said to me today âyou are only 60 Mum, you have years left yetâ suppose thatâs better than the usual youâre old mum
Shona x
Yes, you are young, not just compared with me but in general. This fact is not going to alter your present pain but perhaps It can give you hope that you will love long enough to reach a comfortable place, even a new, if different kind if happiness. That thought may not help. Right now, all you want is what you had. Why is it so hard for others to understand?
My session with the counsellor was long but not helpful as it was just establishing facts and an assessment of my general wellbeing. He must have asked me 3 times in different ways if I had considered suicide. I felt like asking if he had any suggestions. I have certainly considered not wanting to be here and how wonderful it would be just to go to bed and not wake up. For now, I know that would be selfish. There are affairs to be settled but the end canât come soon enough when all is in order. At my age there is nothing left for me. I have no-one and no purpose. My passing would be no more than a cupful out of an ocean. I donât drive and my sight problems rule out the art and craft projects I used to enjoy. All my life was invested in my husband. He would have said the same - often did. We did everything together, each accomplishing what we could and making one whole. On his birthday this week, I read all the cards we have sent to one another over the years. Of course there were tears but there was comfort too as I had in front of me the proof that nothing was left unsaid. We each knew how much we were loved and how precious to one another.
Today, Remembrance Sunday, I am sure all of us on this site will be feeling our own hurt but with a new realization of a collective grief. I am reaching out to you, to Alston, to Jean2 and to all who are alone and suffering this pain. I pray that God will send us healing, hope and comfort.
Prof
Keep going to the counsellor- I am not sure how it helps but the fact you go there talk and cry is in it self very helpful. I find that in these past 2 years my friends either got tired of my tears and talk or maybe they feel it is about time I was âover itâ
Prof, look as the rest of your life as a great ft because life is precious, during this time you can keep your husband alive by talking to others about him. Also he wouldnât be happy at all with you if he saw you giving up on life!
I know for certain Jack will say to me â câmom woman - head up and strong heartâ
Sadie x
@Prof please keep going to counsellor it will help. The first one always seems long but they are only getting information and getting an idea where you are mentally. After that they should focus on you and your feelings.
I myself have not wished suicide but that I wonât waken up as I truly want to be with my Bill but in reality I know that wonât happen.
Try and get out a wee walk if youâre able even to the bottom of the garden as fresh air does help if weather ok. Look after yourself please sending love and hugs.
Shona xxx
