I lost my darling partner 2 years ago and I have been up all night again because every time I close my eyes I remember holding his hand as he passed away and just looking at his face. I worry that he couldn’t hear me tell him how much I loved him. I feel guilty that I didn’t notice how frail he looked because I was with him all the time but then I also feel guilty because I persuaded him to go into hospital for antibiotics through a drip where they have admitted there were failings with his care that contributed to his death. If I hadn’t persuaded him to go he might be here now. I’m sick of people changing the subject when I say his name or saying have you been out to keep busy so I don’t think of him. Because I spend 2 hours a week at the crematorium at his little plot a member of the church said don’t look for the living amongst the dead. In other words I spend too much time with him. I got so fed up I booked a little holiday by the sea straight away I was told you don’t want to go on your own on the train go on a coach tour you might meet someone. I don’t want to go on my own I want my darling partner with me but that’s impossible so I have to go on my own. Maybe one day it’ll get easier but I don’t know when.
Hello Mini1
I’m sorry to hear things feel so very difficult right now. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will be along to offer support and thoughts soon.
Take good care, Naoise
I am so sorry that you feel like this. I totally understand why you want to spend time with your partner and that is up to you. You are right to do what comforts you. I am finding some support in imagining what my husband would advise me to do in various situations. It is really hard when people don’t understand that you are not looking for company -you are looking for his company. I feel exactly the same.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Thank you Emma112. I have just got back from the crematorium and I have just chatted to him about everything and tried to imagine him sitting next to me. People who haven’t lost someone don’t know how hard it is. We didn’t have children so it was just him and me. Maybe that’s why people think if I had company I would feel better. I try to tell them grief isn’t an illness that you just get better. It’s something that changes you and I don’t know how to think of a future without him. I’m sorry that you are on the same journey and I will try and imagine what he would say. Probably he would say get a big bar of chocolate. He was diabetic and used to think everything would be better after chocolate. Sending you a virtual hug as well.
Dear Mini1
I am so sorry to read about the trauma you are suffering. I lost my wife 6 months ago to a heart attack, we had been married 48 years and, like you, I feel very alone.
Thankfully I’m not receiving well intentioned but misguided advice about “moving on” or getting out more. Certainly if a friend or neighbour invites me in for a cup of tea and a chat that is welcome because it provides momentary relief from the grinding isolation that we all suffer. Like you, I want my soulmate back not company.
I do have a couple of words of advice for you.
First stop blaming yourself for his death. Whatever advice you gave him was done through love and with the best of intentions, if there were failures by others that was not your fault. In some ways I was in a similar place with my wife, holding her hand as she lay dying in a hospital bed. I thought if only I had encouraged her to get checked out when she complained about mild chest pains she might have survived. On the other hand if intrusive surgery had been recommended, and turned out badly, I would have blamed myself. You can’t win with “what if’s”.
The other thing I would say is that perhaps you should consider that your husband is with you all the time not just for two hours a week at the crematorium. I feel my wife is here now supporting me, I talk to her all the time. When I scattered her ashes I’m sure she was standing next to me and not in that sad little patch of ashes on the scattering ground.
The only other advice is to keep posting on this wonderful website. It’s very therapeutic and you are with people who truly understand.
Take care.
I’m sorry for what happened with your wife after 48 years. I was with my partner for 25 wonderful years. I think we had each other and didn’t want anyone else. Friends were our friends so they disappeared after the funeral because they didn’t know what to do around me. I don’t really have friendly neighbours and I have tried to make new friends but they don’t want to hear about my partner because they have their own lives to talk about. I actually invited a lady from church for a coffee and she told me I’m living in a shrine because I have so many photos. I haven’t invited any one since. I haven’t moved any photos either because I like to think he can see me everywhere in the house.
I’ve decided to buy myself some flowers every week because before he got ill he would buy me flowers. His ashes are buried at the crematorium and there is room for mine and I will be added to the headstone so we will be together again but I think people don’t like me saying that and that is why they want me to get out and move on. They don’t understand that you can’t just forget someone who was your whole life. You are right about this website it does help when you think you’re on your own and you find people who feel the same as you.
Take care yourself
I am so truly sorry for your loss
Dear Mini1
We don’t have any children either. My closest relative is my sister who lives about 20 miles away and I really don’t know what I would do without her. She emails me every day, phones several times a week and we see each other whenever we can. Just like you I have kept most of my wife’s things where she left them, the house looks as though she has just gone down to the shop and is expected back any minute. With my sister’s help I have taken a few of my wife’s clothes to the charity shop (she has a lot of clothes!) but it was a heartbreaking process and I won’t be repeating it for a while.
I think your idea of getting flowers every week is lovely and I think you also mentioned chocolate in your earlier post which is also a good idea.
Thank you for your reply. It’s good to chat isn’t it.
I have just come back from the supermarket with a bunch of red roses. He loved buying me them so they are in a vase on the table and chocolate is in the fridge for later. I feel better for getting them.
My brother lives an hour away and I don’t think he knows how to use a phone but he does come every week and does bits of anything that needs sorting. My sister lives in America so I don’t get to see her but she rings every week. I did go and spend my first Christmas after my partner died with her for a month. Which helped so much and she came over when he died for the funeral. I don’t re
really have much to do with his sisters because they came and sorted his clothes for the charity shop the day after he died and they were annoyed about what I wanted him to wear to be cremated. He loves the Peaky Blinders and he had the suit shirt hat and coat. I decided he should wear them but the coat was expensive and they wanted it to go on Ebay. My brother came to my rescue and we took them all to the funeral director while his sisters were at the charity shop. I was not popular and my brother took a lot of personal things for me to sort when I was ready.
They just said they wanted to go through his things to save me doing it. I do still have four big boxes to go through but I’m not ready for that yet.
We had to wait for 2 months while they started the investigation until we could have his funeral. We had actually redone our wills in January and he died in March so I am sure his sisters thought i had done something. His inquiry actually found he had died of multi organ failure due to Sepsis they hadn’t tested for. He had a chest infection and caught novovirus and covid in hospital and they thought he was feeling poorly because of them. He was actually on the discharge ward when I got a phone call from the hospital at 4.00 in the morning to get up there quickly and he actually died at 9.00 because there was nothing they could do the damage from the Sepsis was to far gone. I had an apology from the hospital but I told them I didn’t want that because any amount of apologies weren’t going to bring him back. I just wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again.
Sorry about the ramble on I think I need my chocolate.
Hello Mini1
Don’t worry about the ramble, that’s the whole idea! Once I start typing the information just seems to flow through my finger tips with very little input from me! My wife used to be a secretary so maybe she’s doing the typing?
I’m shocked that his sisters would worry about the value of the clothes on EBay that you wanted him to wear for his last outing. You did exactly the right thing. Your brother is clearly there for you, just like my sister.
Don’t laugh but I’ve just renewed my wife’s magazine subscription, mainly because I like it being delivered every month addressed to her. Silly I know, but it keeps her memory alive and I like the health articles and crosswords in it. I liked doing the crosswords because they keep the little grey cells busy.! She always used to pass it on to a friend and I will continue to do that, so it won’t be wasted.
I’ve just been in the garden trying to tame the jungle, so feel a bit more alive now.
Time for a cup of tea I think.
Take care.
Sorry about the delay. My brother appeared to see if I fancied an outing round the DIY shops. Wasn’t sure until he mentioned fish and chips for tea. Then I couldn’t get out of the door quickly enough. What he didn’t mention was it was my treat. His wife was working late and he has retired now so he gets bored. He’s gone home now full of food. I didn’t let him near the fridge because he might have seen the chocolate. To tell you the truth I still have my partners diabetes magazine. I tell myself I will cook some of the recipes in it. I haven’t done yet but I may do one day. I don’t know why but ever since I’ve been on my own I sit here planning mealtimes and then just end up making something on toast. Not very healthy but I hate shopping now because it’s so hard to work out how much to cook for one so I give up. I only have a little garden and that’s just grass with a patio where I have pots. I have so many gnomes though it started with him getting a parking ticket and I found a traffic warden gnome. What a mistake I am overrun with them now. I worry about when it rains they might open the door and all march in. I made the mistake of thinking I would tidy them up so I bought some paint now the ones I haven’t done yet look terrible but the ones I have done look even worse. I failed my exams in art so why I thought I could do it beats me. I have them peeping round pots because I don’t want to give the children that walk past to school nightmares.
I’m a bit like you my fingers just keep typing my thoughts but my partner definitely isn’t doing it he always said “what’s wrong with pen and paper.” He loved writing letters and lists. I just used to answer "spell check " I definitely need that.
Cup of tea for me now and try to squeeze a bit of chocolate round the chips
Take care yourself
Hello Mini1
That’s OK a delay doesn’t matter. The beauty of this website is that you can dip in and out when you have a moment.
You sound a bit brighter now than earlier today, I’m guessing the roses, chocolate and fish & chips are working their magic!
It often happens, you wake up in the morning expecting another miserable Groundhog Day and then something happens which gives you a little boost and that leads to another little boost and before you know it the day has turned out to be fairly reasonable.
My day hasn’t been too bad either. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our chat and that lifted my spirits enough to venture out into the garden this afternoon to do a bit of gardening. So I’m full of sunshine and fresh air now which must have done some good!
I know what you mean about meal times. Preparing, eating and clearing up on your own is no fun, so generally the faster I can get a meal done with the better. All my meals are instant anyway, except a lunchtime salad, and I get the supermarket to deliver my shopping once a week as well. So minimum effort!
I’m sure you are making an excellent job of painting your gnomes, you can practice on the traffic warden!
I’ve been doing some repairs to our cream leather sofa. It’s quite old and the leather was worn and torn in a couple of places. I was getting rather ashamed of it and had put a throw over it. I found a company on the Internet that sold leather repair kits, so for about £50 thought it worth a risk. I’ve nearly finished it now and whilst it doesn’t look new it does look pretty good, certainly doesn’t need replacing any more. I’m rather pleased with myself. I used the cleaning kit, that came with it, on our leather dining chairs and they now look good as well.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Hello how are you today. I didn’t reply last night because I fell asleep in the chair. Too full of chocolate and chips.
I have been running about a bit today. I went to the optician a couple of weeks ago but couldn’t be bothered at the time to choose new frames so I thought I’d go and do that. Then I joined a singing group a while ago but haven’t really been going so I thought I’d start getting back to that. While I was chatting there to one of the ladies after about of all things knitting which I used to do a lot of. I used to knit my partner aran jumpers she invited me to go to a coffee morning where they do knitting on Friday morning and she is going to pick me up. I thought I’d give it a go. So all in all a bit better than yesterday morning but I think my chatting yesterday helped.
I have a leather sofa that I have a throw over. I think it is beyond repair though. I sit on a recliner that isn’t leather but if I recline I fall asleep so maybe it’s not so sensible.
Take care
I am so sorry cat6 I didn’t see your message yesterday. Thank you and I am sorry for your loss too. Please come and post on this site it does help. Not everyone is as bad as me and they do reply
Hello Mini1
I can tell you’ve had a good day there’s a spring in your typing!
I’m good as well thank you. I started out in a fairly black mood this morning but warmed up with the day. I’ve got an arthritic hip which doesn’t help first thing.
A neighbour dropped by at lunchtime to invite me round for a cup of tea and a chat, so spent a pleasant afternoon in her garden. Her garden is beautiful, the first thing I did when I got home was draw the curtains on my garden!
I’ve also had an email from my wife’s cousin, who lives in Scotland, to say she is coming down next week and will take me out for coffee and cake on Wednesday.
You’ve reminded me that I really do need to go to the optician, it’s been ages since I had new glasses. It’s one of those jobs that you mean to do but never get around to it. My brother-in-law managed to get a home visit, I will have to find out how he did that.
You’re not the only one who nods off in a recliner, I do it all the time. It’s so annoying, you stay up late specially to watch a film and then fall asleep at the critical moment!
Knitting is a wonderful craft. My Mum knitted me lots of cardigans and jumpers which lasted for ages, I’ve still got at least half a dozen which I treasure.
Anyway keep up the good work and take good care of yourself.
I know my mum had specsavers doing a home visit which at the time was the only one that did it but I am going back 20 years and the frames were very basic. I just rang them because it was too hard for me to get her out. I am sure others do it now.
I have earmarked tomorrow morning for a bit of tidying up outside. I have a man who cuts my lawn for a bit of pocket money and he’s coming so I will dehead my roses and things when he’s been. That’s tomorrow sorted and Friday sorted with knitting.
I’ve just realised I haven’t eaten anything yet so I need to make a sandwich. There goes my heathy tea again.
It’s nice your wife’s cousin is coming down. I have cousins living just up the road from me but I argued with them when they invited me out for a meal and I found out that they had also invited a man who was lonely thinking I would like a companion. They couldn’t see my point of view so I don’t see them now. I do keep in touch with my partners cousin in Wales but he finds travelling hard and he doesn’t email so it’s just phone calls.
Enjoy what is left of your evening
That’s probably what I need with my dodgy hip, a man to do some gardening for pocket money. That said at least trudging up and down behind a lawn mower does keep the wretched thing moving, so I suppose it does me good even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
I might have to get contractors in to cut a 90 foot laurel hedge later in the year because that thing is massive. I’m surveying it at the moment🙁
It’s a shame about your cousins because they could be so valuable to you. I’m afraid a lot of people misinterpret the term lonely.
Have a good evening.
Hello Mini1
How are you today?
Did you manage to get your garden sorted out yesterday?
I was in my garden and my back is telling me about it this morning!
Hello RJay
I am a bit better than I was yesterday. My little man did my lawn yesterday and when he went I actually went back to bed.
I’m just sorting out my roses now because I have been sorting out some photos this morning. My iPad broke down last week so I have been trying to work out the password for my partners which I managed to get on to this morning and found he had so many pictures on it. I was so surprised because I thought he only had games. I’m going to get a lot of them printed but I realised he must have been stalking me around the house because there were that many of my back. Also photos of his meals so I can imagine he wanted proof that I was feeding him properly. It’s so funny looking at them.
How is your day and yesterday going
Hi Mini1
Good to hear from you.
Yes, today is fine apart from the backache which is slowly improving with the day.
Yesterday was a bit of a black start, so I did what I usually do and tried a few small tasks to build up my mood. I usually say to myself if I get that done then I can have a coffee or an iPad break! Sometimes I have to resort to chocolate 
I over did the garden though, I was only going out for 20 minutes and ended up doing nearly 2 hours.
I think it’s lovely that your soulmate was sneaking pictures of you, I wish with all my heart that I had done the same. I would now have pictures to treasure. My wife never liked having her picture taken unprepared, so I didn’t. Oh well too late now…
It’s a little bit cooler here today which is nice.