I lost my mum last spring and I’ve realised subconsciously I don’t necessarily feel “safe”. Just to be clear, I don’t want to harm myself or others, I’m not in an unstable environment. I just feel that my mum was subconsciously my safety. Whether, we were living close or not, inherently my safety was there. Having this removed now makes me feel somewhat less protected.
I’m in my late 20’s. I was wondering if anyone has used any practices - meditation etc to create that self safety/protection. I hope that all makes sense.
I have spoken with a therapist, but this feeling isn’t lifting. I realise it could also be time that needs to happen.
I totally relate to that feeling - i lost my mum a year ago and even though she was extremely frail and i was taking care of HER, without her it feels like my anchor has been cut loose and I’m just cast adrift with no security/safety. I guess its normal- if you are fortunate enough then hopefully your parents were the ones that took care of you and that you could always turn to, so its a big shock to the system to suddenly be without that. Plus grief floods the body with cortisol and puts you on high alert, so even at a chemical level your body thinks its at risk!
I am a regular meditator - i havent done any specifically focussing on safety but the Insight Timer app has a whole range of free resources - you can just type in “safety/safe haven” and pick the duration and type etc.
Also my reiki therapist recommended for me to looking at grounding meditations and tools such as connecting with nature, barefoot walking - things that literally help you feel “rooted” again. So that might also be something worth looking into?
But i do agree there is a time element involved as well. Im not sure if we are supposed to find security/safety within ourselves, or “feel the fear and do it anyway” - maybe thats a question for your therapist! Please share if you come across anything useful that might help others on this site
This sounds very familiar. I’ve felt very unsafe without my dad, because all my life he’s been the person who fixed everything for everyone. It was awful to realise that not only is he not here, but now I have to step in and be that person for everyone. I’ve tried to overcome the fear by:
reminding myself that his teachings will never leave me.
recognising that people aren’t expecting me to fix everything; just to support them as best I can.
appreciating (with gratitude to my counsellor for pointing it out) that I can’t be his replacement.
I didn’t even think about the cortisol flood, this makes a lot of sense.
Yes, my parents were together to the end and although I would describe myself as hyper independent having the anchor cut is exactly how you describe - set adrift. I think it’s also because it happened way earlier than everyone hopes. In my minds eye I would have been married with children so would have another person to help me process but alas. It’s just reframing/updating the unwritten story
Oooh yes! I’ve used the insight app before, I’ll definitely have to take a look at that again - thank you for the reminder.
Thank you so much for responding and I’m sending so much love to you!
Those little tips are so true - the first one in particular. Just because my mum isn’t physically here anymore, it doesn’t mean the things I’ve learned from her don’t exist anymore
Hi @Burgled I wanted to say thank you for sharing your overcoming fear tips. I came onto the community today because I am feeling lost and struggling with the weight of being my Dad’s person since my Mum died in August. All of your points are helpful but especially 2 and 3 - I really must remind myself it’s not about fixing this situation and I am not my Mum’s replacement. I’ve described myself a few times as a ‘poor substitute’ for Mum, I must stop thinking this. I also feel guilty for not being with Dad more - but I am with him alot and need to reframe my thinking, I am doing as much as I can whilst still looking after my kids, being with my husband and working - and trying to navigate my own grief. So thank you so much your words have really resonated. Sending my warm. thoughts to you x
I’m very similar. I’ve said things about stepping into Dad’s shoes but never being able to fill them.
I have also felt guilty about not being able to be with my mum all the time. I’m actually incredibly fortunate to be able to work from home, which I do at hers, and so far I only stay at mine 1 night a week. But that will increase with time.
And you also have a family to care for . It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. x
Hi everyone,
I feel the same, mom was my safety net, the person I would go to when I was struggling with things, needed help or support. As the youngest, & being special needs, mom was very overprotective of me, I feel so vulnerable without her.
I agree completely, when a loved one passes, we can never replace them, but we’re not there to replace them, we are all individuals, we may step into there shoes, but we do things in our own way.
Sending hugs of support.
