Feeling so alone....angry etc.........

[Sja2804]

Its been nearly 18 weeks since I lost my husband, I just feel so alone. Everyone says that they are gong to be there for you, and to be fair my friends probably have more than his family but its just really hard.

His kids, well older kids, have their own lives which I understand but it doesn’t detract from the fact that when it first happened everyone was here all the time, if there’s anything that you need etc and it all just tails off. We normally (well me) message them daily, his daughter replies but his son isn’t the best and they are struggling too but try not to show it.

My in-laws (his parents) I contact them daily too, are struggling with it all too, and I don’t want to sound horrible and I know they are going through the same sort of hell as me. But I try not to get upset in front of them and say too much in case what I say hurts them accidently but they don’t seem to think the same with me or that’s how I feel.

They have had a lot going on recently, but my husband always said when he was around that they were quite selfish and I don’t want to be horrible (I know they are dealing with their own grief) but sometimes things they come out with are just quite nasty. Its like they ask me how I’m doing but aren’t really interested in the answer if you know what I mean. His mum, when he passed away, tried to say to me that he thought he had died through the night (I spoke to him on the morning, got him a drink and he went back to bed to sleep as he would normally take me to work, but she said to me that it had happened during the night - almost saying I was lying)

Am I being unreasonable with all of this or just overly sensitive or?

His parents constantly tell me that they aren’t good, that they are depressed, they’re not good etc etc - which I know they are struggling, but so am I, but I don’t seem to matter, unless I’m just taking it the wrong way with the grief. I feel wrong for being angry and I know they probably can’t see outside their grief but I feel like i’ve done everything for them but they aren’t the same with me. Just things like photo albums for them, canvases, fundraising, flowers etc etc etc and I know you don’t give to receive but they’ve not done anything like that for me at all.

On what would have been our anniversary a couple of weeks ago, I got told that they didn’t buy me a card as they didn’t think it would be right (fair enough) but never offered to go out for a cuppa or maybe a little bunch of flowers to say they were thinking of me. I was just left on my own all day, fair enough I wasn’t in a very good place but something would have been nice. Its like I don’t matter, not the fact that I was with him for 21 years, with him every day, hardly ever apart and know all the ins and outs and many things about him they wouldn’t be aware of.

I’m an only child and both parents have passed away so more isolated that way too. I hope I don’t sound horrible but I seem to be doing for everyone else and no one seems to care about me. My friends keep telling me to look after myself and stop thinking of everyone else which I’m trying to do but…

[Chris4]

Hi Sja. Please accept my sincere apologies for your loss.
I was reading your story, and can identify with the anger of how people seem to tail off every day.
My wife passed away 112 days ago after a very short battle with a very aggressive form of cancer.
Like you, I was surrounded by people who kept offering their help and support, but very quickly, it became so obvious that their offers were pretty empty.
I have a dog that I take out for regular walks around a field at the end of my street and every day, I had numerous neighbours asking me how I was doing during the day or so after my loss, they would always say “If you need anything or just want to vent, you know where we are” and the more times I told them how empty I feel and how low I feel, I quickly realised that I no longer get asked how i am. I try to make allowances and tell myself that they are not asking because they don’t know how to help, but they knew my wife had died and they should have known I wouldn’t be exactly chipper. And I got angry with the fact they offered their help but were empty words.
I do not have any children and I only really speak to my wife’s parents. They are Catholic, so they have their faith to fall back on and they are actually dealing with the loss pretty well. But I’m not religious and do not have that comfort blanket to lean on. All of my friends have families and always seem to have better things to do (and that goes for my brothers and sister too). I feel so angry that I’m having to endure forced isolation!

[Sja2804]

Hi Chris

Thank you for your condolences and I send mine to you too. I work in a cancer centre and the consultant I work for previously worked with/for sarcoma patients and so I know how bad and how harrowing it can be as it can be a severe and unforgiving disease, my heart goes out to you.

I would love a dog but work full time and I don’t think its fair on me to leave them at home for that long but it would certainly get me out of the house a bit more. Yeah our neighbours are a bit the same, saying the same things but when they ask now and if you go to tell them, you can sort of see the shock on their faces that you don’t just say “mmm i’m ok, getting there” sort of thing. Its like they want to run away from what you are going to say.

His parents are quite anxious people and have always been sort of “all for themselves” without wanting to sound too harsh, and I’m just worn down with it all. They keep telling me that “they will never get over it” which I understand, but I’m not sure in what realm of reality that they think I will ever get over the loss of my husband. I understand that with time things will not be so raw etc etc but I will not get over it, but want to believe that things may get easier with time. I’m only 47 and so have (hopefully) a lot of life left in me yet…