Feeling so alone in my grief

I lost my dad suddenly in March. Apart from enjoying his beer he was relatively fit and healthy. The shock of losing him so suddenly followed by isolation of lockdown has played havoc on my mental health.
I live with my partner and 15 y.o son, we have a beautiful home together. Yet I find myself hiding away when I need a cry, i feel i cant discuss how i feel with them. I had a turbulent relationship with my dad since he and my mum divorced when I was 8. From the age of 18 to today (35) we would argue and fight about who was right and wrong. I would accuse him of putting his girlfriends first and he would call me a horrible daughter. At the time of his death we hadn’t spoken in months, the last thing I said to him was he should leave me and my family alone. I hadn’t seen him in 5-6 years.
I never got the chance to make things right. And the guilt that I never corrected our relationship while he was alive is destroying me. I have 2 brothers, younger than me, one would occasionally talk to dad, it was strained but they would talk regularly, the other blocked him out completely 4 years ago and had only recently started talking to him. I’ve tried talking to them about how I feel, I thought they would be the only ones who knew how I felt in the situation. But I feel a burden, I dont want to upset them as they themselves are grieving. My mum doesnt help at all, she makes things worse. When I start opening up she turns the situation on herself, how hard it is for her knowing my dad is gone.
I cant sleep at night as my brain wont switch off long enough for me to nod off, I lay awake thinking about dad and wishing I could just have one more moment to say I’m sorry. I have moments I wish I could be with him, as much as I adore my family, the pain of losing my dad is overwhelming me and I’m struggling to cope. I feel lost and completely alone and I just want my dad

Hi. Alliecal. I’m so sorry and you are sure suffering. Family relationships can be awful at times and it’s easy to look back with hindsight and think what we could have done or what we should have felt at the time. How did you know this would happen? Blaming yourself and feeling guilt will happen. So many of us have suffered in this way.
But you know, it’s not too late to ask for and receive forgiveness.
Where our loved ones have gone there is total forgiveness. It’s important that you forgive yourself. None of us are free from some form of guilt. It so often goes with bereavement. But if you continue to thrash yourself with remorse you will begin to despair. None of this is your fault. YOU are not to blame. It’s life and life can be so cruel at times. You are here which means you are far from alone. We all know and care. Others will mourn in their own way, we all do. People so often suppress feelings and emotions. A big mistake. Hiding away when you need to cry is OK, provided you do express emotions.
Can you see that in the past we are guided by our emotions AT THE TIME. Nothing can be done now except ask for forgiveness and try and accept that your dad too may be seeking forgiveness. I doubt you are a burden to anyone. We retreat into our shell of pain and find it difficult to communicate with those others who are grieving. You will get replies from the kind folk on this site. We share a common bond of grief.
Try and be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Guilt can be overcome by love. Love your fellow sufferers and support them as best you can. None of us will ever forget, but the pain does ease bit by bit. Blessings. John.

Thankyou so much Jonathan123, really lovely words that hit home a little. I think because I’m finding it hard to forgive myself I feel he will never forgive me for my part. As difficult as our relationship was, we never gave up on trying to salvage something.
Some days I feel stronger and more able to cope with the grief, other days it completely swallows me whole and I really do blame it all on me. I thought after nearly 3 months that would subside but it seems to be growing. I hope so much that he can see what he always meant to me.

Hello Alliecal
Sorry for your loss and please be reassured you are not alone, however, you will feel like you are because grief isolates us from the world and everyone in it as we enter a bubble where we go to make sense of what has just happened to us. It’s your private bubble that actually shields you until you are ready to face all the if’s, buts, why’s and the roller coaster of emotions that spin you upside down and inside out with very little to hang on to in which to find an anchor.
The good news is none of us have perfect relationships because none of us are perfect. It’s what’s in the heart that matters and you clearly love your dad and he you. We can love someone but that doesn’t mean we get along with them. We do the best we can and how we feel in any given moment. We can’t undo what was and remember it takes 2 to put things right and 2 to say sorry so please do not take all the burden by yourself and more importantly sometimes there is no need to fix anything or apologise. Things just happen, no justification, no reason, no nothing. It certainly doesn’t mean you don’t love someone and you most definitely do not need forgiveness and neither does your dad. Your brothers and mother have each gone into their bubbles to grieve themselves. Sometimes in life we have nothing to give because we are empty ourselves. Give it time and space and allow some healing between you all and know that your dad would want the best for you. Sometimes what you feel is more important than what you say. You want your dad… that’s love and he will know that x

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Hi LynT, Thankyou for your reply, means a lot to know people outside of our family can see how I feel about dad. His side of the family have pushed us out. Dad would turn to them as I turned to my family when things were bad, and as a result they now think I have no right feeling how I do because of the relationship we had when he was alive. I’m trying hard to not let their words get to me but they do, i feel a hypocrite myself.
Since dad died 3 days before the uk lockdown I havent seen any of my family since end of feb. Not my mum or my brothers. We’re talking about meeting up for fathers day, it will be the first time we have been together. I’m hoping this will help deal with how I’m feeling.