How are you all feeling today? I want to believe things will get better but at the moment all I can see in front of me is a lonely life without my soulmate and best friend, the one who was always there for me.
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Hi, I can reflect all that feel today, I lost my dear wife to cancer 11 months ago and some days I feel things are getting worse rather than easier. I think in the early days I had so much to think about and sort out that I was distracted about me . I do feel at times this is a bad dream but have to accept the real world and play the hand I’ve been dealt. It’s not easy with the roller coaster feelings on a daily basis but try to use the tools that support organisations give.
Wish you well
Fondest regards,
Mick
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Hi Mick,
I can relate so much to what you are saying. It was so unreal after my husband passed away, and the lead up to, and the funeral were as if it was happening to someone else. He only died in November, and it still feels like a bad dream. I miss him so much, we were so very close as we only had each other, no children, and we did everything together. I just feel empty and so alone.
I am so very sorry for your loss, we are all suffering so much.
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Hi, I feel like i am wading through treacle on many days. I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack 11 months ago when we were both 56. Like Mick, i also think that some days are worse rather than better at times, as the reality of loosing him and being alone (grown up children left home) sets in.
The numb shock has gone (by about 4 months) and i sleep ok most nights but thinking about the future is a roller coaster of emotions that being in a pandemic does not help! The support organisations like Sue Ryder and another forum have, however, helped me to realise I’m normal which is a relief and a help. We all grieve differently and that is OK too. There is no right way to do it but please, do seek extra support if you are really struggling.
Very best wishes to you
Julia
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Hi Julia,
I am sorry for your loss, we are all trying to come to terms with our new life but it is so hard. I have the support of my sister, I am in her bubble, but no one can truly understand what I am going through, that is why it is good to come here and find some comfort and know you are not alone in how you are are feeling.
The lockdown makes things so much worse doesn’t it?
I was thinking of talking to a councillor but not sure if I would feel better or worse,
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Hi, From what i understand, a councillor is worth contacting if you are feeling that your grief is complicated, especially if the bereavement is more than 6 months ago. One definition of complicated grief is -
A persistent form of intense grief in which maladaptive or bizarre thoughts and dysfunctional behaviors are present (not washing / eating / dressing properly etc) along with continued yearning, longing and sadness and/or preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the person who died. Grief continues to dominate life and the future seems bleak and empty. Irrational thoughts that the deceased person might reappear are common and the bereaved person feels lost and alone.
I think it is worth considering which councilor would work best for your situation if you decide to contact one - a general one, a bereavement councillor or one with experience of the type of bereavement you have experienced (worth asking them)?
I have mostly heard good stories, rarely would it make it worse, but just sometimes a particular councillor does not work for an individual so dont give up if the first one does not feel right for you.
Or maybe try a free grief helpline initially? Or your GP?
I’ve tried a grief group that did not work for me (i could not cope with other people’s grief at that time) but this forum and another for young widows was helpful. Follow your instinct is my motto.
very best wishes. Julia
Thank you Julia for your helpful advice, very kind of you. Best Wishes.
Hi Gentle5, I’m really sorry to hear about your husband.
I’m glad you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you’re finding the community a good source of support.
I wanted to let you know that Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. It’s free and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team
Hi Gentle,
As it’s fairly early days for you, I hope I didn’t make it sound like the worst is ahead of you, that needn’t be the case. Support is out there ,give any of it a try , your not committed to anything if you find something is not working for you.I hope you can find something that helps. My thoughts are with you.
Regards,
Mick
Hi Mick,
Thanks for your kind words, I’m hoping time will heal and I will slowly come to terms with my loss , I know life will never be the same, how could it be, but he would not want me to be sad for the rest of my life.
I have some wonderful memories to treasure as I am sure you have too,
Best Wishes, take care.
how have you got through the last year,ive just lost my husband to covid19 on 22nd january,ifeel like am in a bubble and this is not happening to me ,we have been married 38 years with 2 lovely girls,the pain and sadness inside is somthing ive never ever felt before,i lost my dad at 18 .this is just so unreal.sally x
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Hi Sally, i’m so sorry for your loss. I still occasionally feel that my husband has not died (he is just awsy on business), but for months i felt numb and it all really felt surreal, also just like both watching and being in a TV show. I know what you mean about being in a bubble.
The first few weeks were busy with all the arrangements, not just his funeral but as he was working, all the related finances. After the funeral, lockdown happened and i decided to go back to work, i needed to be busy rather than just sat in the house alone.
What helped, i think was walking. I was not sleeping well and woke up about 4:30 / 5am every day and would go out for an hour or so to walk locally (as soon as daylight). The bird sounds, changing scenery, fresh air and movement all soothed me. Back home i would connect to friends and family via text mostly (it was harder to talk). Several great friends were just wonderful, even to being late to work messaging me. I also contacted a Young Widows forum and this one. Hearing from others helped me see that my feelings were normal, and to just take it one step at a time.
i also kept busy decluttering, sorting things out. I always had music or a radio on for company (house was too quiet otherwise). If i felt really tired i rested / dozed / went to bed. I made sure i ate regularly , showered, changed my clothes - all the basics. Occasionally i wrote in a journal. Not everyday but if something significant happened. I have not read it back yet, maybe one day.
I guess i just kept moving one step at a time, trying to be kind to myself and gradually the numbness faded, i started to sleep better and found myself singing again (then crying). Recently I feel that i have a new future that i need to take hold of. I feel my husband giving me the strength to do that. Not quite sure what but although the sadness is still there and tears come unexpectedly at time, l am finding a way to live with the grief. At work, i have also helped to start a bereavement support network to improve support to others.
I don’t offer this as a way to grieve, only that this is working so far for me. We all grieve diffrently and that is OK. If I need to get more support in future, i will ask for it (or i know my friends and family will guide me there!)
very best wishes, my thoughts are with you at this time
Julia
Hi and welcome Steph,
I can’t honestly say how I’ve got through so far but what has kept me going is I promised my dear wife to care for her little dog Louie and look after our bungalow both what she loved.That has taken a lot of attention. I expect we were lucky in one respect because although tragic my wifes passing was not sudden.,she spent January in hospital before transferring to a Hospice for end of life care, passing on 8th March, so we lucky to be able to talk about wishes and practically plan her own funeral although by then restricted to 6 people attending
. Look after yourself and I wish you well.
Regards
Mick
Thank you so much …you just never think this would happen to you …its nice to be able to chat with people who understand what you are going through x
Thank you .Stephen was taken into hospital on the 7th January and was put in a induced coma because of the coma so we never had the chance to talk .our girls and myself were there when he passed away. But he was asleep and never new …just wish we had a bit more time x
I am so sorry .My husband died nearly 5 years ago.
I do think that lock down has heightened our emotions. I wish you well
Thank you …yes its not nice cant see or go any where .my daughter hannah is the only person I really see at the moment…just so hard x
I am so glad your daughter is there although my daughter and I were always worried about upsetting each other.!
Please know that you are not alone. We need other people to help with the loneliness and that will come back .I am in a choir which is online at the moment but it’s nice to see them on screen at least. A friend of mine got her address book out and started phoning people who she sent only Christmas card s to.They were delighted to hear from her.
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I feel so so lonely. Its been 3 months now. I cry every night. He truely was my soulmate. Still in love after 40 years of knowing each other. The most painful thing is expecting him to walk through the door.
Its that feeling of knowing you will never see them again .it was stephens funeral yesterday dont know how I got through it…everything was a blurr.i was married at 18 for 38 years always been together 
x