Feeling so lost

It is 4 weeks since my husband and father both died and I am feeling lost, vulnerable and desperately sad. My best friend, the person who knew me inside out and always looked out for me has gone and so too, my wonderful dad . I feel like a child and I am 55! Losing these 2 amazing men has left me devastated. My mother too is struggling with her grief and at times, it all feels too much. I am conscious that I am rushing around so I don’t think too much but when I sit still, the pain is intense. I don’t know how I will manage. People say I am strong enough to cope but the constant anxiety over everything is getting hard to manage


@BETTYBLUE so sorry you have lost two such important men in your life, and so close together too. It is scary when we are left with nobody that really understands us. Please cherish your mum. Obviously I don’t know your circumstances or your mum’s, but hopefully you can help each other with this dreadful time. The keeping busy is therapeutic, but when you have to stop as your body and mind are exhausted, the grief surges up like an almighty wave and hits hard. I haven’t figured out how to cope, so cannot give you any advice. I hope you keep visiting this site though. We are all seemingly going mad together, whilst trying to dig out way out of the dark hole we find ourselves in. At least reading others posts we know that unfortunately there are others experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. Regrettably we now know what the term “mad with grief means.”

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You are quite right. We are trying to figure a way to cope but dont have the answers. Have you been bereaved recently? My husband died of cancer after a horrible battle with the disease and prematurely at the age of 60. My father passed the following day after living a very full life but my mother is so lost without him. Watching her pain is difficult and I expect she feels the same with me. I have woken up this morning in a fog of gloom but like most days, we force our way through. It does help to read other people’s stories and realise that we are not alone in this awful situation we find ourselves in

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It is nearly 6 months since my partner died @BETTYBLUE. We were both in our early 60’s. Well I still am. He had received treatment for one cancer, and then got another type. He had been having ongoing treatment for the second cancer, things were going fairly well. We were feeling positive, and felt able to plan ahead after a dodgy couple of years where we felt we couldn’t. One day he was here, full of life, happy and fine, the next day he had gone. I suppose that is the way we would all want to go, but it was such a shock to me, and the memory of that day will live with me always, as I expect the trauma of your own experience will with you. There is a little bit of sun this morning. I am hoping that the wind has dropped so I can get out in the garden. To a certain extent it feels like a waste of time, although I have plenty of time to waste, but at least trying to grow plants makes me feel I am nurturing something.

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Thank you for your message . What a struggle it is. Everything has gone wrong today; I cant dig the vegetable plot, the car has gone wrong and I am missing him so much. I am afraid my husbands last moments are ingrained in my memory. It is awful watching someone you love die and stays with you. I am going to talk things through with the palliative nurse tomorrow to get some clarity but ultimately a horrible disease has taken him. It was my husbands struggle that stays with me; he was in such turmoil and didn’t want to leave me. How are you feeling? Does it get any easier with time?

Bettyblue, I’m a couple of weeks ahead of your good self. My wife died of sepsis due to infection from an 8 Yr battle with cancer on March 19th. And to have a doctor from the hospital ward ring you early in the morning apologetic about the early call and in the next breath say ‘I’m sorry Mr S but your wife is dying’ ! I’m sorry what!!! Can you repeat that into my good ear… But but but she was fine yesterday (aside from the cancer battle) we were planning to go away this summer. Not far just out of the area. And then be told the person you have watched for 8 yrs fight tooth and nail to escape the clutches of the dredded C word suddenly disappear in front of your eyes like some super slow motion crap vanishing trick. You have to stop and look at yourself in the mirror and pray it’s some ropey b class horror movie from the 80s.
To be honest I’ve had to go to the doctors several times for suicidal thoughts and bereavement counselling! They’re great, but with covid in the mix there isn’t enough time to express myself I just sit sobbing down the phone at some poor therapist…
You have to listen to your heart and erase the suggestions of getting a hobby (grrrrr) from your mind. Our lot in life is a difficult one because we decided to enter into a relationship with someone you are totally besotted with, that we can’t live without. The major downside to this immense happiness is the all consuming darkness when you no longer have that person by your side.
It’s an amazing life together but the price for that happiness is the bottomless abyss of sorrow and grief…
I will say a prayer for you x

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