Good morning all,
I’ve not posted here for a little while as I felt I was starting to cope and was getting stronger.
November 13th will be the first anniversary of losing my soul mate.
I’ve just come back from spending a week with family and meeting up with friends I’ve not seen since losing Pete.
Since coming home to a cold empty house, I have felt like really down and feel like I’m slipping down a slope.
I’ve been crying a lot and have woken up sobbing this morning, I feel like I’ve gone right back to the beginning, I can’t sleep or eat and just want my old life back.
Everyone tells me I’m doing great and I did think I was but I feel those same feelings of panic and anxiousness like my hearts been ripped out just like the first weeks of this journey.
I have people I can talk to but I know none of them truly understand how hard this is.
I’d give anything right now for one of Petes hugs. I just can’t bear the thought of never seeing him again.
I am tired of trying to be positive and know I’ll never be truly happy again.
Why does life have to be so cruel?
I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal and hope I can pick myself up again, it’s so hard.
Muldool
Hello,
How your feeling is perfectly normal, they say grief ebbs and flows like a tide, you can begin to feel better (the tide is out) then you feel a crash of heightened emotions (tide bringing in big breakers onto the beach).
It’s like a rollercoaster, feeling better then down again.
Your still in the very early days, I’ve found that the time of calm gradually gets longer but the ‘breakers” still crash in at times.
For me if I go on holiday or have a lovely time somewhere, when I get home I will feel down, it’s as though reality is reinforced that your on your own again and why.
Now I tend to know what will bring these low feelings in & acknowledge that I will come up again & tend to have a bar of chocolate ready in the cupboard to give me some comfort in the meantime 
Agree totally with what you two have said. The coming home after spending time away with people is really hard and trying to stay positive is exhausting xx
Muldoon
I can relate to how you feel. It will be two years in December since I lost the love of my life after 54 years of marriage and I have bad times still as you write. Other times it is better but I know I will never be over the loss and now I don’t strive so hard and accept my lot, I don’t enjoy it but I survive with the help of my wonderful family and friends. I think that’s all I can do and I accept that.
I’m in a similar position. I’ve really been away on and off since Ian passed away 16 months ago but now, no more travels are planned. I live far from family and old friends as Ian and I moved to West Devon to spend our retirement in a place we loved.
I’m gradually making some new friends but that takes time. I haven’t moved any of Ian’s things but may have to move back as the loneliness is so devastating at times.
It is so hard coming back to an empty life and house and although I try and distract myself, how can that ever replace the life I had with Ian.
Grief is definitely a roller coaster of emotions and just so exhausting and hard to claw one’s way out of it.
My heart goes out to everyone in our situation,
Julie x