Feeling stuck after Dad died

My father died on 9/11/21 overseas. We had not met for 3 years. He died suddenly of a heart attack while getting ready for work. He was 69 years old. I was planning his 70th surprise birthday celebration.
Dad used to call me a few times each day for a couple of minutes to share some advice, news article, photos of art, jokes and just to check that in alright. We lived 5000 miles apart. Soo that’s why he called during covid. He couldn’t just hop on a plane to see me, even though he longed to.

I was looking forward to my Dad meeting my son, his first grandson. The baby was just 5 months old. I still can believe baby and grandpa will never meet in person. It is a nightmare reality.

The 6 free counselling sessions lead to the discovery that my mother is a narcissist. She controlled me for years, tried to keep me away from my Dad. The discovery of her narcissism was a shock to my system.

I just can’t seem to move forward or go back to work. I feel so stuck. I’m waiting for GP to arrange more counselling.

In the meanwhile, I’m so exhausted from looking after my baby, my grandmother, my household and my mother.
I used to be a glamorous career person. But I don’t know how to get back to myself. I’m worried about finances, but don’t know where to begin to go back to work. Or if I will be able to stop my grief in order work without emotions pouring out.

I miss my Dad soo much. But I also can’t imagine him back in this world. He is gone and the world is different. He won’t fit back here now. But I long for him and to relive or at least revisit my childhood.

Because he died overseas, I didn’t get to go to the funeral (covid rules in China). I long to go home, but Mum sold the house and I can’t afford the flights and hotel. Also quite nervous about flying long haul with my baby and how I would look after him on my own in China. It’s all overwhelming.

My husband gets frustrated that he can’t help me enough if he sees me upset. When all I want is some support, he sometimes lashes out at me in frustration. It’s so hard for both of us. He desperately wants to help.

Every thing feels it’s full of friction and every task takes immense effort.

I thought the grief would be finished by now. I thought it disappears after a year.

I’m planning another IVF baby , because we want a sibling for our little one. The first IVF cycle was easy and worked, so I thought a simple embryo transfer would be alright.

This time I’m super stressed about how I will look after the first kid while pregnant. My first pregnancy was very difficult and I was vomiting all the time.
My husband is injured and can’t help with anything. My husband also isn’t helping find childcare. It’s up to me to look after 4 generations at the same time.

With my body clock, I can’t afford to wait longer for another IVF. We already postponed by 4 months. I feel so low, I don’t know if we should just cancel it and stick with one child. I feel heart broken at that thought too.

I wish my Dad was there to give some advice. I feel so alone and would love someone to talk to without dumping all my depressing issues on a friend.

Hello @Jellyfish, thank you for starting this thread and bravely sharing your story with us. I can hear the pain and longing for your dad in your words.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Most of our members have experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you’re going through.

It sounds like you have so much to cope with and I do hope your GP is able to arrange some further counselling for you. As you say, the idea that grief disappears after a year isn’t true. You might find our support page, “How long does grief last?” to be helpful or comforting to read.

You mention that you weren’t able to go to your dad’s funeral. Sadly, this is a situation many of our members experienced during Covid. You had just had a new baby and were planning your dad’s birthday so it is completely understandable that you are finding it hard to move forward, when you hadn’t been able to say goodbye or to do those important things together.

Some people have found it helpful to create their own memory boxes as a way of remembering their loved one and of talking to them. You can find out more about memory boxes here.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support too, but I wanted to let you know that you had been heard and that you are not alone.

Take good care,

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Thank you for such a support messsage. Just knowing someone has listen and cares really helps.
I’m hopeful the GP referred counselling will come through soon.
Thanks so much