Hi, a bad wave day today. 11weeks in nearly 12. Yesterday i sorted out my own funeral, i am not dying. I just felt it needed doing. I have not been out of the house since last Friday. I know i have to go out and i will tomorrow, as my grief counsellor is back after a 2 week break.
I am lucky if i get one phone call a week from one of my sisters. I might get a WhatsApp message now and again. My friends have not rung me for over 3 weeks. I know i could try and ring them but i don’t have the confidence. The last time i got a bit mad as they said i should go down there. They live over 3 hours away. I don’t want to go down and spend time alone in a hotel. I need our bed, i know Sue not there but it comforts me. I’m just tired,down and lonely. For some reason i can’t stay in bed and i just end up with the tv on and not watching it. I know we are supposed to live for the one we have lost. I know what we are supposed to do. I just don’t have the energy or will to do it.
Sorry to ramble. I just needed to say it. Sorry if i upset anyone. Please take care.
Hi Nightwish , sorry you’re having a bad wave today . It’s totally understandable as it’s early days as I’ve been led to believe . I’m nearly 4 weeks in , but feels longer as my husband was taken ill on the 8th feb and never really came out of his coma . I’ve been on my own in the house since then .
It’s really hard when people just leave you to it , but do have a think and ask yourself do your friends know what you need from them ?
I have a good group of close friends and an older sister nearby and my best friend said it’s hard for them to know what to do , so I should tell them . Like you I was struggling to phone them ( lost my confidence , and suffering from anxiety which if you knew me you wouldn’t expect at all ). So I decided to do a WhatsApp message to the ones I thought would really want to help. I asked for them to call , visit or message , so I know they care but keep the visits short as I’m still grieving quite hard and get tired really easy . Asked for cooked food , as wasn’t eating properly and told them about my anxiety and days of sobbing etc , and so far it’s going ok . I have cooked ready meals in the fridge , and have been escorted to the cinema ( which was hard as it’s something Jeff and I did regularly ) I’ve had help with the garden and I’m off to a friends for a coffee this afternoon . I don’t know if this would work with your friends , but maybe worth a try ? But you will have to be really honest and tell them you’re really struggling .
Got to say it’s really out of order for whoever it is to expect you to drive 3 hours to visit right now . So don’t beat yourself up about being mad at them .
This is my first post on here , being plucking up the courage for few days . So happy for you to ramble away at me . X
Hello Nightwish. It’s still early days for you and emotions are all over the place. It’s very easy to overthink things, believe me, I understand. Like me, you take comfort from being at home. I signed up to Amazon audible so I could sit back in comfort and listen to books rather than read them myself. Reading takes concentration and when your mind keeps going to places you don’t want to be it’s easier to focus on listening books. This is just a suggestion to pass the time when grief becomes overwhelming. Be patient with yourself and go out on your better days. If you don’t feel confident enough to phone people, send them a text or WhatsApp. Life goes on as normal for our family and friends and everyone leads such busy lives now. They sometimes need a nudge to remind them you’re available to chat. I’m pretty sure it won’t be intentional to leave you out. My darling husband died unexpectedly 9 months ago and although grief lives with me now I can manage it most of the time and happiness is back in my life again. It’s a different life but my husband would be proud. I hope tomorrow is a better day and I’m sending you hugs.X
Thank you both. I listen to a book at night to try and help me sleep. I hope to able to read again, like you i just can’t keep my mind on it.
I’ll probably be better after seeing my counsellor.
I feel the same Nightwish, after my mum’s funeral the only friend I had pretty much disappeared. I got the feeling that it very much was the case of it being an inconvenience listening to it anymore.
They were there in the immediate aftermath and in the run up to the funeral, they were good at that point, but that was the easy part. The test is those that are there with you in the months ahead, that is much harder to find.
My friend came in with some cakes and coffee in the few weeks and made tea, it was a big help. But it stopped after the funeral. I almost think it would have been less cruel if they’d never bothered in the first place. My friend went in holiday the week after my mum’s funeral, which was hard. We normally used to go away at New Year, I then heard a lot from him around this time unsurprisingly pressuring me into going away. I didn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t and deep down I knew I was being used. I have barely seen him since then. They’ve been away a lot without me, whilst I lie in the house crying. It hurts. He text me earlier asking how I was after months. I said I’m not doing well. “oh I thought you’d be feeling better”. Codeword for “I thought you’d be over it now since I disappeared and be back to picking you up as normal”
I go to see my father every day but he never pops into check I’m alright. Days could go by and I wouldn’t hear from a soul. My mum’s sisters wanted nothing to do with me. All I have is a cousin and aunt who live far away.
My mum was my home, my everything. Facing the fact that she wouldn’t be here one day, I couldn’t even comprehend it as it was too traumatic to think about. Now my life has suddenly been propelled into this neverending nightmare. It all hurts so much.
I know I wasn’t perfect, I didn’t say or do all the things I should have, but it really is the ones that are left behind that suffer the most. I think we’ll I wasn’t always the best but I’m paying now.
Especially if you’re completely alone like I am. I’ve always been sentimental with objects, not throwing them out, my mum wanted me to bin a lot, I have that ordeal now to do as well.
Hi nightwish, u not alone in yr grief we r all in the same boat on here.
Only difference is some people see their families or friends, i can go weeks & not see anyone, i hav family but we don’t talk.
So dont beat yr self up. U r grieving.
& its very early days for u.
Im hear if u want 2 talk. Pauline
Thats the worse part of grief, the loniness. I give up with people they should be there when u need them but there not. So they r not worth bothering about. 
I feel that way now Pauline. If my best friend can’t be there and take the time to be there for me in the first 6 months after the most devastating event to ever, and will ever, happen to me. Then I feel there’s no point.
I also don’t want to particularly beg for help, it’s not something you should have to do.
@Nightwish1 you need to do whatever you need to do and whenever you are ready. Grief really is exhausting and at 11 weeks just going to the supermarket just tired me out so travelling 3 hours would probably be exhausting.
Our homes are our comfort zones where we feel close to those we loved.
I agree that maybe a text or message to your friends might be a good idea, no one knows how to act how could they, unless they’ve been through this.
Thank you. I know, but part of me doesn’t want to upset people. They are happily married couples who we used to meet with if we went down for meals. I think it upsets them if it happened to me it could happen to them. Plus they have there own lives to lead. It just hurts, as someone told me i have to get used to being alone.
I’m sorry if i sound selfish, i just wanted to talk to someone this morning.
@Nightwish1 ah ok I understand, you are not being selfish at all, we all need people to talk to especially when we are dealing with something as traumatic as losing a loved one.
Do you have family who you can talk to?
Feel free to private message me for a chat if you need to, I have a few people who I chat to as and when we need it, it’s so important that we feel we can have someone to rant or talk to. The chats I have lift me when I’m having bad days for sure, we are all there for each other
Exactly u wld think people wld bend over backwards for u in yr time of grief but they dont. So now i realise im on my own & know who my friends r, & they far & few between. Their lose.
@PaulineM1 people have no idea until it happens to them. I guess it’s better to have just a few genuine friends, the others have shown their true colours I’m afraid.
I know, my dad keeps telling me this when I get upset about my useless friend, that one day his turn will come. Nothing ever happens to him, it was me that got all the bad luck but maybe it will.
Good for you I bet your husband would be proud. You are right it is hard to express our feelings to others sometimes it’s easier to just say to people want you feel they want to hear. But I’ve learnt to not do this now and if I’m asked how I am unlike before when I would say ok now I say surviving one day at a time.
People on head understand us so this is a good platform to come on and know you won’t be pressured into anything
Take care