Hi everyone, I have had a difficult day today. It is my dads heavenly birthday today, he would have been 73 today but died from oesophageal cancer and pneumonia when he was 65. Im finding today especially difficult and I just feel a range of emotions.
I also lost my mum suddenly four weeks ago from exsanguination (blood loss due to a ruptured oesophagus) and she was 68. I just feel really sad and just angry. I dont know anyone who has lost both parents at my age (my husband still has both and he is supportive, but he doesn’t truly know what it feels like) not that I want him to experience it, but I just feel so angry and Im normally a sensitive soul and I am really struggling with my feelings.
Both of my parents had an awful death, I know death isnt meant to be pleasant but Dad couldn’t breathe and was basically drowning, and mum haemorraged internally / externally. I was actually suctioning blood from her mouth and nose as she died and saw her vomit blood and clots. It has really f**ked me up if im honest. Im angry as I felt so helpless at the time, and actually cross that they couldnt have just had peaceful deaths. Its bad enough losing them, but I just wish it wasnt so traumatic.
I dropped my sick note into work today, and I used to absolutely love my job. I work in a nursing care home and I have always been so compassionate to our residents. I love them as though they are my own family. I know they miss me, and they kept asking when Im coming back. But I really just dont feel ready. My doctor has signed me off until after my mums funeral, but I dont know how Im going to cope going back. I feel guilty not seeing them, as I know they look forward to seeing me. I always used to be the happy person who was friendly, patient and understanding. But I just dont feel ready, and it scares me.
I dont know, I know its part of the grieving process, but I dont like the way Im feeling.
Sorry we are all going through this horrible journey. Xxxx
Hi, how traumatic for you, no wonder you’re finding this grief so hard. I think you have no choice but to put yourself first, try not to feel guilty for missing work. You need this time to process your feelings and adapt to life after your loss. It’s certainly very hard to come to terms with the loss of your parents. There’s no back up support or unconditional parental love to fall back on. I feel that very much after losing my Mum earlier in the year. Take care xx
Thankyou Rosiepink, its so horrible isnt it. I hate that we are going through this. I just feel such a mix of emotions, and normally Im such a level headed and calm person. It scares me how cross I am today, as I am never like this. I just want to pinch myself and wake up from this horrible nightmare. I get comfort thinking that they are together, as mum never recovered from losing Dad. But I just want to be selfish and have them both here. They both adored us and their grandchildren, and I just feel so bitter that they wont be with us for special family occasions. It really is like a punch in the stomach isnt it. I just feel lost, angry and sad. I will in time learn to accept it, but at the moment I just hate my emotions.
Thankyou so much for your reply Rosiepink, it means a lot to have just a kind understanding message. Im so sorry that you lost your mum too, and sorry that we are going through this.
My goodness, you have been through such a lot losing your parents at such a young age. I understand why you can’t face work at the moment, it’s not surprising after what you’ve been through and especially so considering the type of work you do. I am so sorry for your losses and the fact that you had to witness/be part of such awful scenes at the end of their lives.
I agree with Rosiepink that you should put yourself first for once and take time for yourself right now. I know that you feel you might be letting people down, but you’re really not and they obviously really care about you, so I’m sure they would understand and want the best for you.
I have also lost both parents, my dad aged 74 in January 2021 and my mum at the end of March this year aged 77. They were older than your parents, but I still feel they were far too young to be taken away from me and I miss them terribly. Please know that you’re not alone and that I’m thinking of you x
Thankyou Lucy7 for your lovely message. Im so sorry for your losses too. No matter what age our parents were when they passed, it still hurts. They have always been a massive part of our lives and were there right from the beginning. As children we relied on them for everything, and they helped shape who we are. There is no other love and unconditional support like theirs. It does really feel like such a hole in your heart doesnt it.
I know its going to take time, I hate letting my residents down but I think you and Rosiepink are right. I need to put myself first. I think that I will accept counselling too, and hope it helps. I just want to get through to the acceptance stage, but I know I have to feel the feels to get there.
Luckily my family and friends are very supportive, but its still not the same.
Thankyou again for your messages, Im so sorry we are going through this. I suppose its the price we pay for loving people and making connections. Better to have loved and lost than not loved at all.
Sending love and hugs to everyone.
I really feel for you. Traumatic having to deal with the physical aspects of your mother’s end of life as well as the emotional aftermath and it’s still so raw.
Work, well you need to have energy for the people you care for but you need to think about YOU! You are obviously well thought of at work which is good and you are really helping people but you must look after your own well-being right now.
It’s horrid horrid horrid but I send you kind thoughts and really wish you well…x
Love, deepest sympathies and hugs are coming your way, Emotional. I’m sorry for the loss of your Mum and Dad, it sounds like you were a fantastic xx
My Mam was 65 when she passed away from motor neurone disease, and even now, 10 years down the line i get a tear seeing older people with their 90 something year old mum. How absolutely blessed they are to love each other for so long.
Take good care of yourself, you are in my thoughts xx