Feeling Useless

Joined this site a short while ago. Have found it so helpful to be with people who understand exactly how I feel. However I feel quite inadequate in helping others.
Wish I was a stronger person and could reach out to others to sympathise, empathise, give support. Don’t seem to be able to do that at the moment. Think I am selfish leaning on all of you and giving nothing in return
Much love to you all

You come here Jean because you are hurting, not because we are.
The one thing we all have in common is we lost someone we love. I deliberately use the present tense, I love my sweetheart even though she no longer has a physical presence. I expect you feel the same way.
Empathy means to share and understand the feelings of another, simply posting how you feel is empathising, most of what we post is all about ourselves but by sharing those feelings and emotions we let others who feel the same way know they aren’t alone.
Your own words say you’ve found it helpful to be with people who understand exactly how you feel, how would you know that if you don’t feel empathy and sympathy?
Don’t beat yourself up and don’t feel selfish, you’re here for you first.
Two weeks after my Rhonda passed I started smoking again, I’ve just gone 24 hours without tobacco, I don’t know how long that will last, hopefully for good, but today I felt strong enough to quit.
Some days we feel stronger and other days weaker, when you feel stronger your words will comfort someone else. In the meantime just type what you feel, that alone may help someone who feels the same way.
Take care now, Carl.

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Thank you Carl. I have just come downstairs as I cannot get to sleep. Just had another cigarette. Smoke more now than I ever did. Wish you well in kicking the habit. I rely on it more and more. Feel so lonely and without any purpose in life. Just wish this agony would end. It’s tearing me apart. Loved my husband so much. Been cuddling his pillow tonight like I always do. So bloody miserable

hi Jean.
im sure most on here would agree,that with what most of us are going through. losing the most important person to ever enter our lives and be full of grief and loss and not be able focus on others thats not selfish,thats showing everyone that you’ve been torn apart at the loss and no one would expect people going through this turmoil to be able focus on much else.i hope you find a way through this very sad loss and find a way to live.


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That lack of sleep Jean is one of the worst things, it affects both your physical and mental well being. Until very recently I was lucky if I was passed out for four hours a night, I mean passed out too, not sleeping, from sheer exhaustion. I would have a finger of brandy in a glass to help but still only managed about three hours. I did get up and smoke in the early hours, a couple of times I called crisis lines and cried to a stranger on the phone. They are there to help if you need them, you don’t have to be suicidal to talk to the Samaritans, there are also other groups like them for people in our situation, you can get phone numbers from your GP’s surgery.
Six months passed on October 1st and I was feeling so low I went and asked for antidepressants, I hadn’t wanted to go down that path but my mood was getting darker and darker, I felt I couldn’t climb back up. So far I haven’t noticed the mood lifting effects of the pills but they are giving me more sleep, most nights I get six hours now, that in itself is making me feel stronger. That’s why I decided the time was right to stop smoking again. I had stopped before for over a year, but two weeks after she died I started again with the thought that one won’t hurt. Of course we never stop at just one.
Even if you don’t want to take medicines your GP is still there to help, they have information on local support groups and surgeries have people called social practitioners who can help.
We all feel without purpose, half of the couple we once were is no longer present, part of us dies when they do. The upside is part of them remains with us and they live on through us.
I’m engaging in activities I wouldn’t have dreamed of a year or so ago, I attend church every week and spend time talking with other members for tea and coffee after the service. They have activities like singing for health once a month, someone suggested I should go. I told them I can’t sing and don’t care about my health. I went anyway and enjoyed it. I felt guilty afterwards about being happy when she wasn’t with me to enjoy it too, but then I realised she was guiding me to new things. As a result I’ve now joined a local choir group.
My partner was an American, we lived in America but never married, when she died I had to come back to England, as I’m not yet 64 I have to look for work so that keeps me occupied some of the time. The problem is at my age and with a 20 year gap of no work history most employers don’t want me. On Tuesday I have a meeting with a lady from a local volunteer organisation to see if they can find things for me to do. I begin counselling on Thursday after being referred by my doctor.
What you have to remember is your husband wouldn’t want you to be miserable, he does live on in your heart because you were two parts of one whole, he changed your life and you changed his, if you hadn’t truly loved him it wouldn’t hurt so much.
People use words like moving on, we don’t move on, they will be with us as long as we live but we try to do things to keep the other half of the whole going until it’s our time to join with them again.
It isn’t easy but try to just wander around your town, look for activities in shop windows, I found a local writer’s group the other week and attended for the first time on Friday. You have to do what’s right for you but also for your other half, I fully believe I am being guided by the part of her that remains with me and her soul watching over me from heaven.
The most important thing is if you feel you aren’t handling things by yourself reach out and ask for help, it’s not weakness or failure to admit you aren’t coping, we all need a helping hand or a listening ear sometimes, thankfully there are plenty of good people out there who will do just that.
Prayers and good thoughts, Carl.

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