Feelings after the funeral

I am 36 and lost my 85 year old dad just over 3 weeks ago. He had deteriorated relatively quickly over 6 months since having covid so whilst him dying of pneumonia was not a complete surprise it was still a shock. Sadly, I had my first child a day before he was admitted to hospital with covid and so there are feelings that he never really got to “see” his grandson as he was very low and unwell after having covid so even though he got to come home for some months and did meet my son on multiple occasions he sadly did not interact much with him due to how he was feeling.
We buried him the day before yesterday (I would say overall it was a “good” funeral). I initially felt some relief on the evening of the funeral as I was glad it was over and had gone well. I am now left feeling flat, low and hopeless moving forwards as I am now left to support my 79 year old mum in her grief. She’s come back home with us to stay a while which I am glad we have done but I also feel I cannot escape the sadness of dad’s loss as a result. I feel selfish for feeling this way but worry my life will now be spent always feeling some degree of sadness and carrying a heavy responsibility towards mum, this coupled with having a baby means my life has changed rapidly in a short space of time which is all quite overwhelming.

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Hello and welcome to the community. You do seem to be well organised but the guilty feelings are all to do with your loss, your grief. These feelings will fade with time but it’s good that you acknowledge that you have theses thoughts and can deal with them without them staying.
Your mum will need your support and it will be difficult for her to see what future she as but with the Queen having lost her soulmate, you could try to use it if you think it’s appropriate.
We are always here and reading others post helps to show you that you are not alone. Look after yourself as well as your mother. S xx

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Thank you Susie x

Huge, really huge changes for you and that weird paradox of life and death that have occurred so close. I am thinking of you … Personally speaking, I am glad you are with your mum because she needs you so much and she’s lucky she has a daughter to help. Are you managing with the baby okay and is she able to help at all?

I lost my mum last month and it’s been so horrid and odd. The funeral was last week and I’ve actually felt worse since it and I’ve told work that I need to sort myself out which I feel a bit guilty about but I am here supporting my father who is just turned 90. I just want to be with him right now and I know that I am helping which is good.

If/when you read this, let me know how you are, thinking of you xx

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Hi Sandra,
Thank you so much for your kind message. I am writing back to you now sat in my living room with my mum (who is understandably quite sad and sleepy today) and my baby who is happily bouncing away next to me completely oblivious to our current circumstances. I am managing with looking after him well as I have a wonderful partner who is a great help when he isn’t at work, he has been very supportive to us all and was a bearer for my father at his funeral too as they had a lovely relationship together. Mum is a bit limited as to what help she can offer to help with the baby at her age due to physical limitations but at least she can give him a cuddle and a hold whilst I need to do things in the house etc.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum, this must be very sad and difficult for your father and I am very glad you are able to spend some time with him now. I hope you perhaps have something nice planned to do together over the coming days. Despite mum seeming understandably low and tired today I am planning on us all popping to a garden centre this afternoon for an hour or so as this is something her and my dad used to enjoy doing.
Let me know how you are getting on also, this is a lovely forum to make sure none of us feel alone x

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Good to get your message and how are you today? When I read about your message it reminded me of how much my mother loved going to the garden centre! You know, it’s good to do things that they would together and hope you went there and had a good time.

I just think it’s great you are with your mum, so important and at least she can hold the baby which she must love. I feel some hope and I do this is the same for you. People cannot underestimate how hard it is to lose a parent and we all need to support each other.

Is the sun shining where you are? Let me know how you are today.


Mum was in her words “emotionally exhausted” yesterday so sadly didn’t fancy going to the garden centre which is understandable. I still went with Seb my baby and Juno my little cockapoo. We got some nice plants and repotted a bonsai I have been neglecting for ages. I am enjoying throwing myself into caring for some plants as something to focus on and enjoy. Mum seems happier today and is currently looking after my little one with my partner whilst I am at the hairdressers currently. How is your dad doing? I do hope you are also finding some nice positive things to enjoy at present too. I have brought a new book with me to the hairdressers and shall enjoy the uninterrupted reading time in peace!
Eirlys x

Ps and yes the sun is shining! Actually when we buried my father the other day the sun shone bright and our vicar said to us as we left the church yard “look, the sun still shines” xxx