Hello, I really don’t know where to start. I lost my mum suddenly in November. She hadn’t been in good health for many years with various conditions but, after a few weeks of being really poorly, took a cardiac arrest at home in her bed while she was resting. My poor dad who’s 82 had to do CPR on Mum with the help of an 999 call handler until the paramedics arrived and tried to resuscitate her, before rushing her to hospital. It was too late, she had sustained a massive brain injury and passed away the following day.
The way in which Mum died was utterly devastating. It was truly awful and I felt like I was on a different planet while sitting at her bedside - it didn’t feel real, yet it very obviously was. I felt like I was an onlooker, rather than going through it all. My brain was trying, and failing, to process it all. While my dad went out for a bit of fresh air with my husband, I promised Mum that I’d take care of Dad for her, so that she could pass away without worry or fear of how he was going to manage. I was sure that she could hear me. But it broke my heart to watch her have multiple seizures because of the brain injury she’d sustained, as the drs struggled to get them under control. I still cannot get her face as she lay dying in that hospital bed out of my mind. It haunts me. And I am a trained nurse. The only blessing was that both my children were not there to see their granny suffer, it would have broken their hearts.
I wasn’t at Mum’s bedside as she slipped away, it was just her and Dad.I feel so guilty about that too, but my husband said that was the way Mum would have wanted it and she probably held on until we left. We had both been awake for almost 30 hours and had to go to a local hotel and get some sleep. We had sat with her all through the night after she was admitted to hospital and with the kindness of the doctor on duty, a priest was called to give Mum the Last Rites, which she would have wanted. I’ll always be so grateful to that doctor asking me about this as my head was all over the place that night. But it doesn’t seem enough. Mum never wanted to die in hospital, but she did and there’s a part of me that feels I’ve let her down.
I took care of most of the funeral arrangements to help my dad - my brother lives very far away and only managed to stay for a couple of days before heading home to his family, so his involvement was minimal. He was moving house later that week and had to concentrate on that. Everything was a blur really, but I made sure that Mum’s wishes were carried out and we had a lovely funeral service for her a few weeks later. I stayed with Dad for a month afterwards to look after him before coming home and he spent Christmas with us.
It’s only now, a few months later, that everything is starting to hit me. I’ve been exhausted, not sleeping very well at all. I guess it’s just how grief affects you. I haven’t been able to really cry properly either and I worry that my mum will see this. She had over the years said that no one cared about her but that wasn’t true and I think it was just her poor health making her feel vulnerable and low. I have cried, but probably not enough and I don’t know when I will. And it’s not that I don’t care - I honestly do, I loved my mum very much. I phoned her every day, as I lived a couple of hours travel away. But I feel very guilty right now. Guilty about the way that she died. Guilty that I wasn’t there to help her as she needed CPR, guilty that Dad had to endure doing such an awful thing at his age, it should have been me there instead as I’m a nurse. Dad is a very private man, not one for showing his feelings, giving hugs etc… and he’s spoken very little about it but he must be deeply affected by this. My brother, like my dad, isn’t one for showing his emotions either and he’s barely spoken to me about Mum since we lost her. He’s just gone back to his family life. I feel very alone in that respect. Mum had no siblings and Dad’s family who attended the funeral aren’t close, so there’s no one to really talk about Mum. My son, who is 26 was very close to his gran as he spent the first 3 years of his life living nearby before we relocated due to my husbands work. We often talk about Mum together, which is a comfort at least. My daughter is a bit younger, grew up living further away from her gran so their bond was different, but she was still sad to lose her.
I feel a bit lost right now but I’m trying to take things a day at a time. Yesterday morning, I felt really low - but after finding this site, I feel less so today, knowing that there are other people who might understand how it feels to lose their mum. It doesn’t matter how old you are - I’m in my fifties - it still hits you so hard. And I’ve still got a very long road to travel.
Thanks for reading, it’s just been good to write this down and get these feelings out.
BlueBelle
xx
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. I have got my mother’s ashes on Friday for burial. I’ve got my elderly dad living with me who my world but im struggling to have a hr to myself to greif . I hope every day you feel a little bit stronger take care xxx