Feelings of guilt after husband's suicide.

Hi. I’ve very recently lost my husband . He was suffering from depression after a build up of events,he was also a heavy drinker for a lot of years. I lost my Father, he lost his mother, he was off work for a long period of time. He left me with our 12 year old daughter, and I am struggling with feelings of guilt. I lost patience with him and told him I didn’t love him any more amongst other things, I feel like I was unnecessarily cruel and should have seen the signs. I have no way of taking back the things I said, and the guilt is crippling me.

Hi Summer2020
I am so sorry for your loss. It can be very hard dealing with someone who has long term depression. When i was 18 (now 45) I suffered with it badly for a couple of years. People got frustrated with me but i knew it was because they cared and just wanted me back to myself again, I didn’t hold it against them. More to the point I just felt guilt myself that people were having to go through this with me. I am not trying to minimise your grief or anything but trying to hopefully provide a little comfort into maybe how your husband would feel. I understand you cannot take back what you said but he is still around you and can hear you so you can talk to him and tell him what you would like to say now. Either by saying it out loud or writing a letter to him, he will see it. Big hugs

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Hi Summer, please do not feel guilt during this difficult period of grief. Depression can really affect relationships, especially when someone starts drinking heavily. You do not seem to have had the support of mental health services, which could have helped patch things up in your relationship, instead things seemed to have gone out of control, and his drinking caused you to say things to him that you did not mean. This happens to thousands of couples all across the country, very sadly in your case it ended tragically. You are not to blame for this, neither is he, sadly you both had bad things happen in your life, you did not have the help you should have from mental health services, and he ended up taking his life. At this moment in time you need to focus on yourself and your child and be kind to yourself, have you thought about receiving counselling? There is a charity called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide that you can contact 9am to 9pm on 0300 111 5065, they might be able to help you.

I just feel like I took all of my grief of losing my dad out on him. My dad died in April, and he suffered greatly with liver cirrhosis. My husband has always been a drinker and we used to argue about it, as we’d go on a night out and he’d always ruin our nights by over drinking. Initially he had a problem with his back in January and had to go sick from work, then an infection in his eye which resulted in a corneal graft so his vision was very limited. Then both of our parents deaths in a matter of months. I lost my job and started a new one so didn’t see him as often as I should. The list goes on, Covid made things so difficult. We argued and I told him I didn’t love him any more and I feel he thought he was a burden. I said things to him that were unforgivable. I honestly can’t live with myself at the minute.

You were under immense stress, and so was he. Lots of people have said things they didn’t mean when under so much stress. You did not know he would sadly take his life. If he was still here, he would forgive you for the things you said because he would know just how much stress you were under.

Have you considered free bereavement counselling? That may help, lots of people feel guilt after bereavement, counselling can help you overcome that.

So sorry for your loss my partner passed away 9 wks ago with alcohohol related liver disease i said some horrible things to him because of it i know i didnt mean it he knew i didnt we both loved each other i whad alsorts of emotions when i found out what as going on but at the end of the day i was powerless he admitted the problem but was too late damage waa done he passed away in hospital with me by his side and leaves our 11 year old daughter its so hard

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Hi I lost my son 8 weeks ago to suicide he was 45 he was staying with me he came in at 3am I told him to go bed or go he went I spoke to him the next day he sounded okay that night he killed himself I feel has if it’s my fault the guilt is killing me we never know what goes on in people’s minds we blame ourselves over and over again it is the hardest thing because we are still here hope this may help

Summer I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Suicide is awful and you can never know what is going on in a persons head. I would bet my house that there is not a person on this forum that hasn’t said stuff they regret to loved ones. We all get angry and lash out. It sounds like you were both under a lot of stress. Stress can make you
say and behave in ways out of character. I would definitely talk to other people who have lost loved ones by suicide. I would bet they have same feelings of guilt as you. Definitely look into counselling. They help enormously with those feelings of guilt.

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