Feelings of guilt

Dear Meg

Still no sign of the wedding ring. I have located his engagement ring in the drawer but like you say it does not feel right to rummage through his things. I will leave it for now until I can summons up the strength to try and face it again.

I am wary of letting onto anyone that I live alone now. I even pretend when people come to give me a quote that my husband is at work. I had hoped that one or two people who had offered help would have delivered on their offer and then I would have got all the jobs done. I have even gone round to their houses pretending to just give them an update on nothing really in the hope that they might remember they were going to help but it just ends up in awkward silences so I will not embarrass myself anymore. Also it upsets me I return home and just sit and cry feeling so alone.

I cannot remember when I last got out the ironing board. I do the washing and just chuck on the same clothes. I don’t really care what I look like now. Plus the grandsons just cover me in food and chocolate so it doesn’t really matter.

I have ‘snoozed’ so many people regularly now. Especially some family who have not bothered to get in touch or if they do it is a quick text telling me they are too busy only for them to then splash photos of a barbecue, party or holiday across Facebook - so clearly my husband (their brother/uncle) is not in their thoughts at any point.

It must be difficult regarding your mother-in-law and not sure what I would do if in your position. My mother is still alive, fit and well, and I have started having her at mine for Sunday dinner but all she talks about is death and it really doesn’t help me.

Going for eldest grandson now. His regular weekly stay. It brings me some respite from the loneliness.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila.
Thanks for replying. It must be hard for you not being able to find help…I hope you can soon.
I don’t know your situation…could you have a friend or relative with you when trades people come to the house?
Where I live there is a local website called trusty trader where trades people are registered with local authorities, I think.

My daughter went to stay with friends tonight back tomorrow night. I can slob and play sad music and cry I’ve hit the gin bottle tonight. I did manage to iron a few bits the ironing board has been up a month or more.

A friend called today with her dog and he played with my dogs. It was light relief. Shes Persuaded me to go and see a film called Nomad land but it’s about a woman whose husband has died…I’m going to my friends birthday 65th party and joint wedding anniversary tomorrow night. I don’t want to go as it will be couples and she has a close knit family.

I found another photo of my husband and daughter today, he’s reading to her they look so happy together she’s about 3. I’ve put it in a frame by my bed.

My mum in law has anothe care manager, I spoke with her today she is nice and told me the carehome has the least complaints in York and residents are well looked after, it was some comfort.

My dad is 93 when I see him he talks of death a lot too, he’s also fit and well still drives which is a concern…he’s lost nearly every one of his age it can’t be easy I guess, he’s an emotional man.

It’s 1 30 AM still wide awake.
Take care, kind regards Meg

Dear Meg

Thank you. Sorry for late reply was late back from son’s house last night and only just got out of bed.

Yes we have check-a-trade but sometimes even they let you down. I am just so worried that people now take advantage. I am getting another contractor to give me a quote for the garage roof so that I can compare between the two. But I find life having to make all the decisions so hard. I relied on my husband to do everything around the house and there are quite a few jobs he just never got round to finishing.

I was invited to a barbeque the week we got back from the cottage but I declined. It was my husband’s best friend and he has done these events for the past 20 years and it was kind of him to invite me but there would have been all the couples that we always used to see but now only me. I cannot do it, Not sure if I can go out socially ever again without my husband. I hope that every goes ok for you.

The majority of our family photos are in two suitcases on top of a wardrobe. I cannot bring myself to get them down. They contain the story of our 42 years together. I still sometimes cannot believe that he is gone and this is my life now. I do not understand what we did to deserve any of this.

I have started not to get to sleep until about 2am and then cannot get up in the morning. Hoping to get back up to the beach where we scattered my husband’s ashes tomorrow.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila.
The weekend has been difficult, everyone I know seems to have been busy with their families. Socialising stopped for us a few years ago when my husband began looking after his mother. I had to do things alone mostly.

I went to friend’s party it was ok, I felt like a bit of an outsider though. I sat with the friends husband who took me as he is unwell. I have chronic back pain and find standing for long periods difficult.
This last few weeks the pain has been very hard to bear and I have resorted to using a stick. I saw the GP on Friday and he said stress affects pain.
Since my husband died I feel as though I have aged ten years.
Like you my husband always managed everything. When he became ill he stopped doing anything he didn’t open any letters or attend to any jobs that needed doing and yet he did things for his mum. I think he knew she was helpless and he had to do things for her and anything else was too much for him.
I’m running two homes hers and mine, and at times it’s overwhelming.
On Saturday I went into town to walk round to get away from the house. I had another feather moment! It took my breath away it was uncanny…I went into a small antique and curio shop. In a corner was a huge set of angel wings for sale…I remarked on them to the shop owner he asked me if I had lost someone recently! He said they were part of a job lot he had bought, he was extremely kind to me and genuine.

Did you manage to get to the beach again? The weather here hasn’t been good.

I’ve tried to contact my oldest friend twice over the last few weeks and also her daughter who is my goddaughter neither have replied which is unusual.
I’m worrying about her as she’s had cancer two times in the last ten years.

Tomorrow I am having my hair cut so that will break the day up a little bit.
Take care
Meg

Dear Meg

Yes I made it to the beach. The weather was awful in the morning but decided to go and as I drove up - it is about an hour from my home - the clouds started to clear and by the time I got on the beach it was sunny. I just sat for over an hour before returning to the car when the rain came down. The drive home I was again on auto-pilot. Was then meant to go and see the grandsons but that got cancelled so just sat the rest of the day on the settee watching rubbish on TV.

My appetite is reducing again as we approach the date in September. Have no strength for much but have the eldest grandson for two nights this week as his mam is in having a procedure. So he will no doubt be a distraction and get me through most of the week.

My husband was the social person and I tended to keep myself to myself. My husband was enough and that was all I needed so now he is not here life really is unbearable and empty. I really do not want years like this without him.

Like you I have definitely aged. I look so old and frail now. This just adds to my vulnerability I feel. Unfortunately I am still searching for signs from my husband.

My friend is away for the weekend so have had no contact from anyone other than the usual texts from our son and his partner and a quick call from our daughter. But other friends and family tend not to ring me until weekdays making the weekend so much more lonely. I

I hope the hair cut goes well.

Take care.
Sheila

Dear Sheila
Your message has just moved me so much it made me teary…for you sending you a hug. I’m a bit late replying I’ve been under the weather.

I was tired yesterday and went to bed in the afternoon. When I woke I was a bit disorientated and for a few seconds I thought he was still alive and that the last eight months had been a bad dream and then I came too it was as if it had just happened.
It seems to be hitting me suddenly that he’s gone for good.
You commented on another post about visiting Helmsley…my aunt uncle and cousin’s lived there on a farm and I spent holidays there. I took my husband there when we met and he loved it being a city boy he’d never been to a farm before. We spent many happy times around Helmsley.
I drove through there last week with my dad it felt very strange not having my husband in the car.
My aunt, uncle and cousin are passed now.

I’m meeting my sister and cousin’s in Malton for a get together tomorrow…I haven’t seen most of them since my husband’s funeral.
Regards Meg

Dear Meg2

Thank you. Hope you are feeling better.

Such a small world. I have a former boss now a friend who lives in Old Malton so have visited that area on a number of occasions.

Me and husband loved going out in the car and finding spots for a tea and cake. The farm at Helmsley we stumbled on years ago and made it a regular feature of days out. Have been back only a few occasions since he died. There are alot of bikers in the marketplace so it brings back unhappy memories as I pass on my journey.

The boiler has broken down again so I am sat waiting for them to arrive yet again. Everything is such an effort and a challenge since my husband died and as September looms the tears just keep on flowing. The last 11 months have both flashed past and also dragged at the same time. I fear that if 12 months can happen on me so quick so can x number of years without him and that fills me with such dread. I still miss him every second of every day even when in company.

Will be thinking of you today.

Sheila

Dear Sheila.
Good to hear from you. It is indeed a small world. My oldest friends were married in Old Malton church and I was a Bridesmaid and then godmother at the babtism of their ownly child same church…ten years ago my friend had breast cancer and I was terrified I was going to loose her…she’s been fine but last year had another cancer scare, she lost her mum to covid last year and wasn’t able to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

I thought of you in Helmsley as it’s well known for bikers. My half cousins twin brother lost his life in a bike accident in his early twenties and his best friend also passed in his forties. I went to school with both, the latters two brothers passed also, leaving their mother alone…death is so cruel.

I live in a town in Derbyshire where bikers gather…during the first lockdown it was silent and weirdly peaceful.

The get together went well. Everyone of us has suffered losses.
I drove to my dads today through the village and area I grew up in past the church I was married in, babtised, grandparents and and mum are buried there. My daughter was babtised there 28 years ago.
My husband and I did our courting in the area. It has changed so much and I don’t know anyone there now.
Bereavement seems not just to be for the person but also for the memories and the connections.

September is looming and Im thinking of you.

Autumn was my husband’s favourite season…our wedding day was hot and sunny. We had three nights in the Yorkshire Dales for our honeymoon. We stayed in a swanky hotel but couldn’t afford to eat there…we went to the spit and sawdust pub down the road for chicken in a basket! Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Warm regards Meg

Dear Meg

Thank you. Yesterday was difficult as my post prompted me to get in the car and go back to Helmsley - it was either that or stay in bed all day. As it was a weekday not too many bikes on the road so the journey was ok. When I got to the farm it brought memories flooding back and I just broke down and cried. After day realising that this is it and this is now my life alone.

The church where we married is only a few miles from our home and set on the main route so I see it most days. We had no money when we married so never got a honeymoon until the following year when we rented a car and drove around different places down the South West. My son is looking at wedding venues and the costs are ridiculous. I am trying to convince him - without success - to keep it small and intimate. I cannot imagine going through the day without my husband but there are a few years yet as these places all need booked 18/24 months in advance. Me and husband just wanted to be man and wife and to spend our life together.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila.
Somehow I missed your message. That must have been so hard for you re visiting the farm at Helmsley, but you did it and you got out of bed. I thought about you at my reunion as my cousin was recounting the time she had a motorbike accident, she was very young and gave up the bike as a result. It must have been such a relief for her mum…my cousin lost her dad
in a terrible accident at work.
I went out for the day with my male friend, we prop each other up. We went to the lincs coast and walked on the beach where he and his late partner used to visit…I think if I had met her I would have liked her. We both talked about our memories…I’m very lucky to have another bereaved person to chat to. He’s Very kind. Both of us really want to be with our late loved ones.
I have good friends but they seem to have forgotten I have lost my soul mate.
Someone said to me that I must be relieved that my husband was gone given that he had mental health issues…I never ever gave up on him and the good memories have been flooding back today.
I watched a film with a friend last night called the father with Antony Hopkins as the main character…he plays the part of a man with dementia it was very moving and it made me understand what my mum in law must be going through. I am going to have to be strong and go and visit her soon.
I’m sending you a hug as I know you have a difficult date coming up soon.
All days and dates are hard though.
Warm regards
Meg

Dear Meg

This site is sometimes difficult to navigate and not always easy to return to messages.

The days are definitely getting harder. Today, eventually, I found my husband’s wedding ring. I have sat and cried most of the morning. The ring was in a box by the side of his bed. We were waiting for new furniture to arrive and he had stored items in there. I searched it several times but never saw the ring until our little grandson stood on the box yesterday and broke the lid so started sorting through this morning and then spotted it. The box however includes photos of my husband on his bike. He went round Europe several times with his friends and also kept the maps he used. Unsure what I will do with some of the stuff. The photos will have to go into the memory box because I cannot stand to look at him on the bike. Difficult day today and the weather is matching my tears.

We never give up on the people we love. One of my brother-in-law told me I should be grateful my husband (his brother!) died because I would not want to look after a cabbage. Through my rage I reminded him that I took my vows and that I would have been prepared to nurse him through whatever life threw at us.

I am glad that you have someone to talk to. None of my friends are in the same position but there are a few who are good listeners and are happy to just be there for me.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila.
I’m glad you found your husband’s wedding ring.
Today I met a lady for lunch we met on another bereavement site. Her husband passed in 2019, it was helpful to talk to someone in the same situation…we have a lot in common.
On this coming Saturday it is the third anniversary of my friends late partners passing…it’s very difficult for him.

You said your brother in law…your husband’s brother wouldn’t want you to look after a cabbage that must have been a difficult thing for you to hear.
I guess he is also grieving but in a different way.
I made my vows 39 years ago in September, but to be honest I don’t think I really understoud what it really meant…I was just a girl.
I don’t know the circumstances of your husband’s passing but I can sort of get your brother in laws meaning,
caring long term for a loved one is waring no matter how much you love them. It’s exhausting, I watched my mum in law care for her husband my father in law for five years she did everything for him. She had no life and she lost weight, became ill herself and began to resent him.
I cared for my husband and it’s debilitating…I never imagined this could happen when we married .
On Saturday this week I collapsed in Tesco, I was taken to A and E it’s happened about six times it’s thought to be stress. The doc said I need to de-stress…how?
I feel like taking off alone, but your grief follows you.
Take care Meg

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Hi I think I have already posted on here. Here goes I lost my husband in November 2021 he was 64 we were married 39 years together 45 years.
It was very sudden he wa ex

Dear Meg

Thank you. Youngest grandson had to be checked out in A&E the other night so been busy caring for the eldest grandson.

My husband was tragically killed in a motorbike collision. He only took up the hobby when 45 years old and I never liked him going out on the bike. Now he has gone the bike has created so many more victims in addition to my husband. My whole life and purpose has just disappeared in an instant, our two kids are in great distress and our little grandson’s have been deprived of the most wonderful granda. The problem with brother-in-law is that he delivers everything without any tact or empathy.

Having not been in the position to care for my husband as so many have done on this site, it is too easy for me to make comment. But I do understand the health issues. I have lost 2 stone since my husband died. Nothing fits and I look a mess most days but really do not care. My son works in a shop and I often call in for shopping - I look so bad the security guard always follows me I suspect he thinks I am a ‘down and out’. Shows how we should not judge those we see.

I understand your feeling of just wanting to take off alone. I have found myself in the car on several occasions and I have just driven for hours. I think it is a form of escapism. And yes how are we meant to de-stress under such circumstances.

I have the eldest grandson again tonight to help son as they are getting new carpets so as he has a lung condition do not want him in that environment until the air has cleared. The other grandson (4 months) will go with his Nana. I just cannot care for the two overnight alone. If husband was still here he would be rushing round to collect both and not letting anyone else near them. He just adored our eldest so much. It is just so sad he is not here to be the ‘greatest granda’ he wanted to be.

Watch how you go and speak soon.

Dear Sheila
Sending you a big hug, your message brought tears.
Some people can be blunt, and to be honest I think I am a bit, but I do have empathy.
My mum in law struggles to show empathy and is quite cold. she found it hard to show love to our daughter when she was born.

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My mum was a very hands on granny lots of kisses and cuddles played games she is greatly missed and I wish she was here now. she always knew what to do in a crisis or appeared to.

My husband didn’t cope with his grief after loosing his dad…he never really recovered. He neglected himself and like you say people make judgements. Only daughter and I knew why he was like this. I hope you find a way through this…if I was religious I would pray for you…I will anyway.
I’ve just watched the news and the police are searching for a lady who went missing in York. Her mother has been interviewed and is in turmoil It must be awful not knowing. The search is in the village where I grew up and went to school.
My daughter is away somewhere in The Lakes, shes very private and doesn’t tell me where she is or who with I will worry until she’s home…she’s 28 and I need to let go but it’s not easy.
I feel I did a lot of grieving when my husband went down the alcoholism path I felt I lost him then.
You are doing a great job looking after your grandson and supporting your family. We mum’s have to be strong for our children.
Bye for now and take care x

Dear Meg

Thank you and if you pray for me I thank you also.

My husband was the one to give me reassurance in a crisis. Although I had high-powered jobs he was the one who kept me calm and would always be there to give me advice. I cannot cope most days with simple things now. I just so need my husband by my side.

Our daughter lives down South, over 4 hours away. She is not coping as the anniversary approaches and I am not there to give her the cuddle she needs. I wish she would come back up to the North East but all her friends are down there and she does have a partner. But I think we will worry about our kids for the rest of our lives if being honest. Our kids are both in their early 30’s and I am sure you are the same should not be suffering as they both are. My mother is still alive. She is aged 86 and lost my dad 11 years ago. She has forged a different life but told me the other day its not the one she wants and hopes to go soon. I can understand she was married to my dad for over 54 years and they were inseparable.

I am sorry about your husband. I can only imagine the turmoil and sense of loss you must have felt.

Your right mam’s (as Geordie’s refer to their mothers) have to be strong.

Stay in touch.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila.
My dad is 93 and said he’s ready to go too All his contemporaries have gone brother etc. 25 years ago my large extended family was complete there’s very few of us left now. Where do the years go? We think we are going to stay young forever.
I’m the opposite I’m eating and drinking rubbish I need to watch my weight.

I think my daughter may have met someone, she’s gay and it’s a big deal not easy for her. I’m ok with it I just want her to be happy.
I went through a period of grieving when when she first told me…thinking I would never have grandchildren but anything is possible.
Today im having a day with chronic back and hip pain all I can do is lie on the sofa it’s all consuming and in someway it takes my mind off my grief.

I’m sitting in front of a pile of paperwork putting it off I’ve been changing bank accounts and have got in such a muddle…when I was in the hospital on Saturday I had my purse stolen out of my bag. It’s such a nuisance having to get new cards, driving license and Rail pass, but I had a photo of my husband and daughter together and now it’s gone.
I hope your grandson is feeling better now. There were small children and babies in the hospital on Saturday crying and it gets to me poor things

Our dogs bring me comfort. I decided this morning that I have to go see mum in law next week, if it’s a nice day I can take the dogs in the garden she will like that.
I hope you are having a better day today. I’m considering counciling at some point. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Meg

Dear Meg

Our daughter has had several failed relationships. None of them ever wanted to commit even though she was with them for some years. All we want is our kids to be happy at the end of the day as you say.

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. Back pain in particular can be so debilitating. The eldest grandson is a big boy and trying to pick him up causes me such discomfort but he likes to be rocked to sleep. After my husband died I bought a rocking chair thinking that would help but he doesn’t like me to sit down.

It is awful when people can go into a hospital and steal and amongst things take items that are irreplaceable.

I was meant to have day off today from childminding duties but after dropping off the grandson at nursery it became clear that the flooring place were not coming until later in the day and therefore I have him staying overnight again. Slightly shattered to say the least.

Please do not think that you ramble. I know for me I can sit for hours with no one to talk to whereas we had our husbands. Happy to chat through our posts.

Sheila

Dear Sheila
Yes we had husband’s to talk to…mine was mainly on the end of the phone because he was at his mother’s.

I’ve been consumed with guilt today why didn’t I do more to help him through his difficult times was it my fault? if I’d been a better wife, more caring been more supportive during his difficulties.

My friend Kevin and I walked about 8 miles today it nearly finished us off but it helped, it’s the 3rd anniversary of his partners passing by suicide and he was agitated and impatient when I arrived at his house it was clear he was unsettled, he displayed road rage in the car he swore and he walked out of the cafe we were going to eat in I felt on egg shells at times. We found somewhere else to eat by the canal. My husband and and I had always planned on buying a canal boat for our retirement I feel robbed…he worked so hard for this.
When we left the restaurant I wanted to view the boats and Kevin said no…it upset me as my husband wouldn’t have reacted in this way it was hard to keep the tears at bay, however we walked through a park and a garden and I felt better eventually.
We got in the car and he proceeded to drive I didn’t know where we were going, I needed the loo… he took us to a lovely marina where we did our six mile walk which was beautiful but I felt I had no control or say in what we did I needed the loo and it was difficult… Tears are pouring as I type this. I wanted to come home. While we were out the police called me my stomach flipped, my daughter was out and about. However it was regarding my stolen purse the previous weekend.
We went back to Kevin’s house it was late and I wished him well for the next day with his three year old grief anniversary.
I drove home upset crying. I wanted my husband by my side. I’m a bit hacked off comforting other people when im feeling rubbish…I don’t mean on here! I feel a bit uncared for and need a bit of a hug…I’m sure tomorrow night I will be comforting Kevin. I don’t normally feel sorry for myself but we are allowed to on here I guess. Thank goodness for my dogs who will snuggle up to me in bed. It’s nearly 3 am. I did pray for you Sheila yesterday…I hope it counts when struggling with faith.
Take care Meg

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I apologise for my last post I sound so angry…poor Kevin must have been going through it, I feel so selfish. He is going to the grave today and I know he will feel very alone.
Meg

I don’t think you’re selfish. It is the fact that our partners knew us so well and the relationship had developed so that we were at ease with each other and knew what each other wanted. It is the fact that we don’t have that now, we don’t have someone who truly understands us and will give us a hug, that hurts so much. It just becomes even more apparent at times like you describe. Take care

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