I agree with Jules4 - you are not being selfish. I appreciate that he would be going through turmoil as a result of the anniversary but you too need shown some compassion. You are a good friend and it is not unreasonable to expect that to be returned on occasions.
It is difficult to think of all the things that we would have done with our partners because we shared so much in common and enjoyed the various activities. Often when coming back from my son’s I just cry all the way home because they will have dismissed something off-hand or said something whereas if husband had been in the car we would have laughed it off together and he would reach across and pat my knee saying ‘there, there’.
Thank you for including me in your prayers. I do believe and pray every night. Not for myself, I really do not care what happens to me now, but for our kids and grandson’s.
I can understand your response when you received the phone call. Regardless of what age our children we still worry about them - my reaction would have been the same but glad to hear it was to do with the theft. I pray that the purse is found with the photo intact.
Thankyou Jules and Sheila for your compassion it means such a lot.
I’m so sorry Sheila that you don’t care what happens to you…the community on here cares about you I care what happens to you.
My husband was consumed with grief, it was so difficult to witness especially for my daughter.
When he was well and things were normal…we had a great connection we grew up and matured together I was 17 he was just 19 when we met although there was a part of him I could never reach and he needed his own space, this was something I learned to accept.
When we were first married we moved to Bedfordshire, it was the first time I had been away from home. I remember a young girl I worked with saying to me “he really loves you, I can tell the way he looks at you” It has stayed with me for 39 years.
Sheila you mentioned being in the car together…that laughter between you is so intimate.
When we we drove long distances he always drove as I used to be afraid of driving on the motorway…it worried me that he might fall asleep I wittered on all the time in order to keep him awake I used to rest my hand on his knee I miss that so much.
He loved photography, and often he would stop the car and grab his camera for a particular shot. I have hundreds of CDs with his train pictures on. The thing I loved about him was his unpredictability. It could be infuriating but it was who he was. He would want me to move on and I would want him to have a full life had I gone first.
Sheila have you considered what your husband would want you to do after his passing?.. eventually. What would you have wanted for him if you had gone first?
I walked with my dogs by the canal today so many couples and families. I felt very emotional and came home early.
My daughter wants to do a boot sale tomorrow I can’t really be bothered.
Take care x
I met my husband when I had just turned 18 and he was 17. Six months difference in age and he always said he was my toy boy. Once we realised it was serious we were practically inseparable. Like you and your husband, he was the main driver although I would occasionally manage a drive out but he was a terrible ‘back seat driver’ and it caused so many arguments I was quite happy to just leave it to him. But like yourself I would keep on talking throughout the journey for fear of him falling asleep. He would sometimes refer to me as Mrs Bucket (pronounced Bouquet like on the TV comedy show). He was a whizz at knowing all the shortcuts on the roads, something that I now struggle with if having to drive long-distances. I do not use SatNav so find some journeys daunting. I am attending a funeral at Blackpool next week so wish me luck because I have never driven there before.
I know what you mean about what our husband’s would want but my issue is that he knew I would never cope if he went and especially if it involved the motorbike. I cannot bear the thought that my constant fear came and took him and just at the point that we were going to spend our retirement together. And I know that I will never get over that. I just want to help get our kids to a better place and make sure our little grandson’s are well cared for -that is all I can focus on. At the moment our daughter is a real worry and she is now on anti-depressants.
I was an avid walker when I had the dog but the few attempts to go out myself have resulted in tears. I do still walk with our grandson’s along the River which was the favourite place for me and husband to take our eldest grandson on his afternoon stroll. It is not without its difficulties as it takes us past the factory where me and husband met and the pub where we used to have the lunch time drink so in a different way I can understand your response to the canal walk.
Our daughter got into financial difficulties year’s ago and I made here go to car boot sales to try and raise funds to pay off her debts. Not sure what they are like round your way but they were carnage up our way. If nothing else it will be a distraction of some sorts.
I have probate forms to complete tomorrow. Not sure if me and solicitor have been having same conversation but everything is wrong so will need to de-tangle this.
De.ar Sheila.
Sorry for late reply. I’ve been so tired this week as soon as I sit down I fall asleep but I’ve been wide awake in bed since about 4 30 am mainly because of back and hip pain.
Most of my friends met and married young, I was quite old at 24 and the last of my friendship group to get married, who are all celebrating their ruby weddings, I don’t comment when they are waxing lyrical about their anniversaries and my oldest friend is complaining that she and husband can’t have their party as planned because of lockdown . I will never celebrate my ruby wedding…I feel and sound bitter…I apologise.
A friend of mine lectured me about drinking tonight, but I don’t care. She smokes cannabis to deal with her issues so what’s the difference?
We did the car boot sale I made nothing… daughter did ok selling her dad’s model railway. Each time I heard her say her late dad made it seem so real again. I hate telling people for the first time…btwy purse turned up intact
Take care meg
I understand regarding the wedding anniversary. We were so proud that we had such a long-lasting marriage and were so looking forward to celebrating 40 years only for it to be snatched from us. So needless to say I do not think that you sound bitter, just like me just so sad that we can no longer achieve that goal with the person at our side.
I am glad the purse turned up intact.
I had a family funeral on Wednesday. Very difficult for me and son as brought back so many memories of my husband’s funeral just under 12 months ago. As we had my husband’s funeral in lockdown and now these regulations are relaxed it meant we were meeting people for the first time who had not had a chance to express their condolences. I have had bouts of prolonged crying since then and am dreading the approaching date.
Had our eldest grandson last night and only just got back after dropping him off. Hoping to have a cat-nap as exhausted. If husband had been here we would have shared the responsibility.
Dear Sheila.
I’ve had a day out with my friend Kevin today but as soon as I saw him he got on my nerves, he didn’t stop talking. He asked me if I was bored I wanted to say yes and you are not my husband! Obviously I didn’t.
My husband was an absolute pain at times but he was my pain, and I could be too.
It’s coming up to wedding anniversary and Tuesdays date mum passed away.
My head is all over the place as I’m sure yours is too.
Daughter is at a music festival in Leeds tomorrow and I have house to myself it looks like a bomb has hit it.
Me and Alexa will spend time together blasting out loud music together.
I’m struggling to get the last image of him out of my head I feel guilty turning off life support should I have kept it going would he have recovered?
I’ve had a difficult discussion with social services this week, I’m taking them to task for neglect over my husband and mum in law. I had a limp apology but I said it’s too late for my husband. It’s ongoing.
I hope you managed to untangle things with solicitor it’s hard enough without that complication
Memories keep flooding back things I haven’t thought about ever …I wish I could talk to him about them.
Yesterday I popped to Lidle and as I was walking to the shop there was a white feather fluttering in front of me, I was going to catch it then I thought let it go and it fluttered behind me then I decided I wanted it, when i turned to get it I saw that I’d left all my car windows open!
Funeral must have been hard for you, lock down was so difficult. I know people who are having post Wakes but I can’t. It’s gone now x
Take care thinking about you xx
There are so many ‘whats ifs’ in our lives that torture us. I can only imagine the utter turmoil that you endured and continue to endure since that time. Anniversaries just give us another kicking and remind us of what we have lost. My husband was so precise in everything he did it could be so annoying but how I wish he was here to continue to annoy me now. I woke this morning and found myself again wondering it this was all just a dream then reality hits. With the first year approaching I can only say that I cannot see myself doing this for x years.
Probate is still on-going. These organisations should show some empathy but in reality they only work for the living so that they can show ‘healthy’ accounts to the auditors and their Trustees.
There are so many things - little silly things - I want to share with husband. At the beginning I tried to talk to him and write him texts and emails but the empty silence of no replies caused me so much heartache I have stopped for the most part.
I keep on trying to post the memorial on-line but cannot find the strength to complete it. But really will need to get it done. I was asked by his work colleagues if they could meet up with me and family for a post-Wake but again do not have the strength. Perhaps sometime next year who knows.
I still search for signs from my husband but there is nothing. But the mistakes I have made I am sure if he is watching he would be shaking his fist at me. The bungalow is just a mess so trying to tidy it up today as not seeing grandsons.
Dear Sheila.
How is your Saturday going? I’ve not achieved nearly as much as I intended. Not much motivation.
I cried reading your message. I came across Albafarne peace and prayer garden. It’s in a place called Shilbottle near Alnwick it’s a private house but open to the public to go and sit and contemplate. There is a website.
My daughter has sent me a text to say she wants to bring her new partner to stay next week…which is lovely for her but stressful for me. I could do without the extra burden. My bedroom is a complete tip I will have to have a clear up so spare room is free as I’m in there now.
Daughters bedroom is too messy to have anyone to stay.
My bin didn’t get collected this week, I will have to go to the tip. When my husband was working away he used to ring me to remind me to put the rubbish out like you it used to annoy me and would welcome that now. He lost interest before he died and it was heart breaking seeing him looking sad and dejected. An image I’m struggling to come to terms with.
Take care Meg
Spent the day just lying on the settee drifting in and out of sleep. At one point thought of going out to shops but had no energy to do anything but make the occasional cup of tea.
Thank you for the information regarding the house in Shilbottle/Alnwick which is not far from me. Will look it up.
I think our daughter is thinking of coming up just before the anniversary to stay and that will probably be the motivation I need to give the bungalow a clean. Me and husband used to clean throughout our little bungalow every Thursday morning. It was a fun-time following which we would sit down together for a natter and a cup of tea. Everything is now a chore without him. There was a video clip that came up on Facebook from last year. It was my lovely husband with our grandson when we visited a local park and saw the wild birds. He was smiling, happy and so full of life. I played the clip several times and touched the screen trying to find the warmth of his touch. We were only two weeks from disaster also came to my mind. How we could go from such a happy event to nothing in such a short space of time is utterly heartwrenching.
Hello Sheila
Sorry to hear you are struggling…hugs. I’m overwhelmed with paperwork husband always did it. He stopped about five years ago when he began to shut down. I feel so guilty that I didn’t do more to help him…but daughter says I did…I don’t know ? I was working long hard shifts at local hotel and keeping house going.
My mum died 23 years ago today, family members have put long memorials on Facebook, but I’m not open in that way and can’t. I hope they don’t judge me for not commenting.
I heard today somebody had their dogs stolen on my canal walk at knife point makes me sad, I get solace on canal walks but has put me off going there.
The man from peace garden emailed me, he said you can go anytime even if they aren’t there. There are peace gardens all over The UK.
Wa regards Meg
Thank you. I think we all look back and think we could have done more. Perhaps you and your husband were like me and my husband - we carved up the jobs between us and each focused on what we were good at. My husband hated the financial side of things and I was and continue to be rubbish with the house and cars. We shared the gardening but I so miss him and struggle to do it alone.
Our eldest little grandson was admitted to hospital last night so I have not even started to try (again) to do the memorial on-line. We also have a number of ‘big’ birthdays over the next few weeks and I was supposed to go and sort out gifts today but my priority has been the grandsons. Again another example of where me and husband would have shared the burden of the worry around our grandson and now its just me I find it so difficult.
Throughout lockdown there have been so many dog-nappings and it is just disgraceful. I can understand your hesitancy in going along the same route so be careful.
I will get round to looking up and visiting the peace garden you highlighted. Just need to get through this latest trauma and get my little grandson fit and well again.
Dear Sheila I’m so sorry to hear about your grandson., It must be such a worry. Yesterday was anniversary of mum’s death dad is lonely. I’m going to take him away for a couple of nights.
Yesterday I read on Facebook a dog was taken at knife point on the canal.
None of my husband’s work friends know of husbands death I have no contact details.
I’ve been to the bank today and my widows pension from DWP isn’t going in so that’s a phone call I can do without.
The last four years of my husband’s working life were extremely difficult after he was paid off in 2016. He had various temporary jobs because reality is employers do not want to employ people our age. So I just rang friends of his from the company where he had worked for 21 years. For the most part they were very supportive and made a huge difference to our Great North Air Ambulance appeal in honour of my husband.
It is a very nice gesture to take your dad away for a couple of nights.
I started my career as a secretary, later I became a senior manager and dealt with a number of national and local government offices and therefore this has helped me organise all the paperwork. My husband was more practical and he hated getting involved in any paperwork, hence he did not complete any of the nomination forms for the pension companies so I am still sorting this.
Since we down-sized the gardening reduced too which is fortunate as I can just about manage what we have now myself. People keep telling me to get my son to help but with two little babies under two I think it is fair to say he has other priorities and I would never pull him away from those responsibilities. My nephews, who luckily I have always had a wonderful relationship with, are coming to do something with the back garden which might make it a bit more manageable and more child-friendly.
If there is anything you think I can help in terms of advice just private message me.
Hello Sheila
My husband left network rail Milton Keynes in 2015 and cut his ties, there are hundreds of employees there and I can’t remember which department he was in although I obviously knew his job title.
He had the odd steam train friend but I’ve no idea where they are and I can’t access his lap top…there is a computer company in my town that can get access for me I have just found out about.
Currently I’m struggling with back pain which seems to have taken a nose dive over the last few months… This week I’m struggling to get into the shower over the bath and getting out of bed is so painful, I think we would have helped each other in our twilight years. When he was working an early shift he would bring me a cuppa in bed before he went to work and give me a kiss, some times he fussed and tucked me in which really annoyed me, I wish he was hear to tuck me in now.
I tried ringing 111 today for advice but couldn’t get through. I feel my quality of life has deteriorated, I’m unable to do my long walks inwhich I found helpful to clear my mind.
Whenever I’ve had problems in my life I’ve always found walking cathartic. My husband and I were great walker’s, sadly he wasn’t able to walk very far for the last ten years or so due to health issues. Some of the walks I did after his passing were new to me and I know he would have loved them.
Thankyou for permitting me to private message you, and likewise.
Warm regards Meg