Why do I feel guilty for smiling or laughing I feel it when I go out I went away for a weekend twice to skeggy with my partner and my dogs I ruined bit really because I felt I shouldn’t be away when my poor daughter s was in the cemetery and I was in tears all weekend and kept phoning my daughter s up sobbing the guilt feeling was very intense we have booked another holiday to Cornwall in sept but I’m dreading it again because this guilty feeling is so strong I think my partner doesn’t really know how to help me any advice about how to deal with this would be hopefully helpful love shellyanne
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Dear @Shellyanne
Guilt is a powerful emotion and can be hard to deal with sometimes as it takes over, it is also known as Survivor’s Guilt. I do think we feel guilty for ‘living’ and actually going out and doing everyday things, going on holiday and as you say by smiling or laughing.
As hard as it is when losing a loved one (and it is hard), life still goes on but this does not mean we forget our loved ones.
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Please be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time.
Take care.
Pepsi
Thank you this feeling is so strong it overtakes my mind and I can’t shake it off I know we all must feel it some times tday is just a real bad day I just hope tmorra is a bit better XX 
You are welcome. You are in the early stages of grief and do need to be gentle with yourself. You will get there but at your pace.
Sue Ryder has a Grief Self-Help Service that may be of help to you. It will help you understand and cope with your bereavement and grief along with exploring emotions and feelings. It would be worth taking a look.
We are all here for you, take care.
Pepsi x
Hi Michelle. I genuinely think the guilt comes as part of the package. Regardless of how our loved ones pass we some how feel that WE!!! could of prevented it. But the reality is they died and we have to carry on and we feel bad about it,. Doing anything remotely nice, smiling, laughing, going for a night out, going on holiday, it all feels so wrong. My wife and I and another couple went on a pre-booked holiday to the canaries about 8 months after I lost my boy. I felt absolutely terrible going away. I spent the whole holiday trying to avoid people. I didn’t want to be on the beach or in the bars when we were sat round the pool I would just get up and leave the hotel and wander over the hills on my own in the blazing sun crying my eyes out, I didn’t want people to see me in this state. I would disappear for hours on my own. It was very unfair of me for the others in our party, but then they were not dealing with what I was dealing with. ( My wife wasn’t, my son’s mother). Unless someone is in your shoes they don’t understand. The guilt can cripple you. In my son’s case there wasn’t a single thing I could of done( he died in a car crash). But I carried the guilt round with me for a good 2 or 3 years.
I can do anything now, all the stuff that people do . But if I let myself I can still feel guilt. He was 24 when he died. I tell myself, if only he hadn’t learned to drive, if only he didn’t leave home, if only he hadn’t been where he was that night, if only, if only, if only,. In the end you just have to except that there was nothing you could have done. It doesn’t take the pain away. But in time the guilt subsides. I think if we lost our children and we felt nothing we would be feeling guilty that we felt nothing. It’s a no win situation. We just have to carry on as best we can. You will learn to smile again, it just takes time.
Take care my friend
Jim
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Thank you Jim it’s good to know I’m not alone with the feeling s of guilt it’s a terrible overwhelming emotion I just hope I can find a way to deal with it. I hope everyone is having a better day XX
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I suffer from guilt about what happened and the endless ifs and buts and should haves. I tell myself what is the truth - nobody wanted this to happen and nobody isto blame. It’s a nonsensical tragedy. Doesn’t mean anyone is to blame. It’s cruel fate. I don’t think my daughter would blame me, so I’m doing no one any favours with the guilt. Seems to be inevitable if you lose a child you created, no matter their age. I suppose it helps me knowing that it’s ‘normal’ in an abnormal situation. We don’t expect to experience losing our own children, it seems and feels wrong. It doesn’t make us guilty tho, that’s our minds trying to make sense of the injustice and being parents who have lost their child long before they should have gone. Hope this makes some sense. Xxx
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Hi Nell I get strong guilt feeling s and they are awful guilt that you had argument s in the past or you could have done more but it’s true life is cruel and it was taken out of our hands nobody should have to loose their children before themselves I struggle alot with guilt that I wasn’t there the night Leah died my x husband was with her and I feel so guilty for that. It took her very quickly I was supposed to go and see her the day she passed but God took her in the early hours of that morning I’m totally broke it’s just the ifs and guilty feeling s I’ve got to try and deal with but I just don’t know where to start. Shellyanne cc
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Hi Shellyanne - I too get awful guilt feelings. What if I’d gone round earlier in the day, what if when I saw her asleep I’d recognised something was wrong, what if I’d done CPR (my grandaughter tried). In my more balanced and less guilt ridden moments, the fact is this is hindsight. I didn’t know she’d (probably, no inquest yet) taken extra medication. If it was medication did she take it on purpose or just cos she was tired and forgotten she’d already taken it? What if it turns out it was a heart attack and not an overdose and we’ve all wildly misjudged? I could and do, go on and on with these questions. Most of them will never get any answers. Somehow some time I will begin begin to accept what my head tells me is the truth about my guilt. Truth is I never wanted it to happen, nobody whatever wanted it to happen. We didn’t cause it or deserve these crazy levels of guilt. It’s because we loved them and we created them. We aren’t miracle workers and there are no perfect parents, we can’t change it. Seeing so many others in here carrying this load of guilt was a real eye opener to me, it’s absolutely cruel and undeserved but we all seem to share it. Knowing it seems to be almost universal for grieving parents does show it’s not abnormal and doesn’t mean we weren’t good parents. Maybe it shows our love and distress. It definitely doesn’t mean its anyones fault. I think it just happens kind of by default. It’s painful. X
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Thank you luv it means alot it’s just sometimes it’s that strong I feel that I can’t go on then when my daughter s say mum stop itwe could have all done more but no matter what people say she was my baby and I can’t help my feelings i be just got to try and find a way to ease the pain xc
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