I lost my hubby 10 weeks ago…he was 76 …I am 74. We had been married 54 yrs… I am confused by my feelings …still cannot believe it …feel numb a lot…find I need to keep going …yet I’ve been diagnosed with my right diaphragm not dropping so my breathing off a bit…I’ve borrowed one of my daughters dogs ( he’s used to coming ) and he’s been a godsend to me… just don’t understand why I’m not in bits…we lost our son to cancer 18 yrs ago he was 34…I nursed him last three weeks of his life the pain is worse now losing hubby.
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Saffy, you actually sound in bits, we all behave differently and what you think you feel may not be what is actually happening. Plus you have other concerns regarding your own health and being able to pass on your love to the dog may also account for some of your feelings. Please don’t be hard on yourself, your life will be upside down and after 54 years there will be lots of readjusting. Old saying, don’t look for trouble.
Take care and give the dog an extra cuddle for me. Sxx
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I am like you, in a way. My husband died in September last year. Until Christmas I was frozen in shock, going through things like a robot. Mentally, I’d given myself these months to grieve - I intended to start my life again in January…
I hadn’t even started grieving yet. It’s all coming out now, more than 8 months later. The overwhelming sense of loss, the aloneness, hours when I just can’t stop crying. I was referred to a CPN and then a psychiatrist, I’m starting on anti-depressants and having counselling from a psychologist. This is just beginning to help.
I just can’t imagine what it must be like, to watch your husband go off in an ambulance and then be told 30 minutes later he was dead. That must be incredibly difficult to accept - no wonder you are confused about your feelings.
At least I had my husband home with me for 12 precious days before he died. I was with him as he took his last breath, I was able to close his eyes and sit with his body for a while. I changed him and washed him before the funeral director came.
My regrets are now focussed on what happened in the last 7 weeks of his life, the knowledge that he could have been treated and might have lived a little longer. All that weighs heavily on my soul, but I am beginning to accept that he died, and that his death was inevitable at some point, because he had a rare tumour on his brain stem.
You’ve been through a great deal, losing both a son and then your husband so suddenly. I can only suggest that you are kind to yourself. Take comfort from your dog, Think about asking for counselling of some sort, either online (available on this site) or face to face. Ask your GP for advice.
Please keep posting here. You’re among people who have lost a loved one, and everyone will try to help you.
Christie xxx
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Hi Saffy,
I lost my husband almost two and a half years ago now. At the beginning (and for many weeks after) I seemed to cope to a point. We had been married 46 years. Last year I managed to paint all the doors in the house (not my thing at all). Now, I feel so so sad and cry every day. I think at the beginning he was getting worse and three hours before he died he perked up, sat in his chair in hospital and held my hands and explained that although he loved me, and didn’t want to leave me, he just couldn’t carry on any longer (he had asked for all his medication to be stopped earlier). He finally got back into bed, went to sleep, woke up with a start and was gone in minutes. So I seemed to accept that at the start, but now I just miss him so very much. I am so so sorry for you losing your son - eighteen months ago my twin sister lost her son aged 43 to suicide. I have seen what this has done to her and I feel so sorry you had to go through this. My heart goes out to you xx
Thank you so much for your messages…my niece has arrived from scotland today …she lost her hubby 3 yrs ago and at last been allowed out of scotland …and my Roy passing has brought a lot back to her so am hoping we can help each other…take care too and speak soon xxx
Thank you for your message Christie and Lesley….it’s now 11 weeks since I lost Roy……and I still can’t accept it ….it doesn’t feel right not to be in bits ….I read on here how ones are bereft( sorry if spelt wrong) and I am still numb….I had appointment at hospital on Saturday and she asked me who my next of kin was …now that floored me and was hard to control myself but I did …I just don’t feel normal ….friends keep saying how proud they are of me and how I’m coping but I feel I’m in a dream…
Thank you for your response it helps .x
Aw Saffy,
Yes, bereft is the only word I can think of too (the meaning as you know is ‘sad and lonely)’. It is as if you are suddenly alone, even with family and friends. My son often asks me to go out with them or go to his house, (I am in their bubble) and I always have to think first. Sometimes I go and sometimes I just can’t. I said to him only last week that sometimes you feel the loneliest when you are with people, because the most important person has gone now. Two and a half years on, I am still trying desperately to form some kind of new life for myself (and not doing too well). I imagine I will probably always feel like this for the rest of my days. I do manage to do things sometimes, and sometimes I just go over the last few years when my hubby wasn’t too well. He was in and out of hospital a lot in 2018, but I never did think he would die. Hope you and your niece have helped each other, as myself and my twin sister do - take care xxx