My husband passed away 4 months ago. While some say it was expected (Charlie had advanced bowel cancer) he had a relatively good prognosis but got an infection which led to liver failure. He was only 52.
Over the last 2 weeks I felt I was getting into a new routine however last night I started having chest pains. My son called 111 who sent an ambulance & it was off to hospital for checks. Thankfully not heart related & I’m back home.
This however brought the reality that Charlie isn’t there. I went to bed without him, no cuddles and words of comfort. I was hit with stark reality that I am on my own.
When we left the hospital last night it felt just like the morning of the 12th April when he passed (the hospice is in the same hospital I attended) and I feel like I’m right back there again.
Those early weeks were so difficult I’m worried about going through all that again.
I was in hospital last year with fluid around my lung. My darling Norman visited every day for hours. I dread having to go back to that hospital where he died. I would have no one to visit me. I sometimes wonder if anyone would miss me now he’s gone. Sorry having a day of feeling sorry for myself. Going back to the same hospital must have been hard and would have taken you back to that day. Xx.
All the realisations are like a continual slap in the face. I saw my situation as his death being an earthquake and then being hit by after shocks. It just seemed relentless. I miss so many things, even things like feeling good about myself, he was always giving me compliments and gave me so much confidence. I just miss everything!
I have had to change my next of kin on a few things and have cried every time. I have had to tick widow a couple of times and I just hate it! I consider myself still married and Peter is still my husband even though he’s not here!
I don’t really identify with the term widow. If asked I still say married as that’s how I feel. Still a Mrs and still wear my wedding rings. No intention of changing.
@Jan17
Totally agree 100%. In fact, I filled in a form on-line today and where it said ‘married’ I didn’t change it. I did not unmarry my husband nor him me, so I’m still married.
I will never remove my ring.
Agree completely! My wedding ring is staying put and I’m also wearing my husband’s on the other hand as he asked me to look after it when he lost so much weight it no longer stayed on his finger.
I can appreciate how you feel. I know it it is different but I lost my mum in a similar way;
she had ovarian cancer but her prognosis was excellent. She had last chemo to address a minor tumour, caught bacteria and was gone in days. I never had chance to say goodbye. She was 66.
I dont have children even though we tried. I concentrated on career and now when I was in position to treat my mum, spend time with her, she was taken away from me.
I wake up each night in terror, unable to understand she is gone. I am alone and she was cheated on time with her family and friends. It has been 8 months and it is not getting better. Hope your family is there for you x
Seven weeks for me. I thought I was doing OK but today I am howling like the morning after he died. It is as if I woke up today and the reality kicked in that it is now just me. I am all alone in this big quiet house. I haven’t spoken to anyone for two days. No-one phones. No-one knocks the door. No-one would care if I just disappeared. My love is gone. I was the centre of his world. I looked after him for eight years. What do I do now? Oh God I miss him so very much.
8 weeks for me and I feel like I’ve gone 2 steps backwards this weekend. Can’t stop crying and when I’ve been with friends, I’ve just excused myself and left, it’s not fair on them for me to be continually crying. Although I know they’d be fine and supportive, as they have been this last 8 weeks, it’s more me, not wanting to keep burdening them. It’s so very hard and I miss and love my husband so so much. Life will never be the same. Xx
I know… so very hard !!! You got us though … i would give anything to have him here again … hear his voice, his laugh, feel his love … whatever condtion he was in ! My darling man … im im tears cos i miss him so much and nobody takes their place ! Been out with a friend for Sunday lunch and i would have much preferred it to be my husband to have been out with !!!
I totally get you ! And recently i feel like i dont really want to be with other people … i just want to be with my husband … thats all i want really … and its not gonna happen is it ? Until we meet again …
i bet your chest pains were caused by stress do you ? Take care xx
cos i miss him so much and nobody takes their place ! Been out with a friend for Sunday lunch and i would have much preferred it to be my husband to have been out with !!!