Feels like yesterday

I am a widower of just over three years and I believe I have only just started to grieve properly. My wife who was driving died in an RTC having been hit head on and I watched her die as I was a front seat passenger. The event opened a Pandora’s box and all the unresolved traumatic events of my years in the military, combat medic and mental health nursing emerged. I have had successful therapy and able to live adequately but unable to work as a nurse again. Isolation during Covid didn’t help. Other people including relatives suggest I should have moved on by now but I disagree.

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Hi @nigadrog, I am so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how traumatic it must have been for you. I work with a guy who was in the military and he lost his son, I know from talking to him how hard it is.

I’ve been reading a book called The Language of Loss by Sasha Bates

She describes grief as a path but with no destination. It never leaves you, does not go away and you do not get through it. You learn to manage it better and hope it intrudes less or at least you might be able to wrestle back some control over it.

This speak volumes to me, lossing our love ones is with us forever. We will never move on and get over it. People have to walk in our shoes to really understand.
I lost my husband 14 months ago, I watched him slowly fade away over five years. We always knew it was going to happen still doesn’t make it any easier.
There are lovely supportive people on this site, just reach out on sad day and they will respond.
Sending love :heart: and hugs :hugs:
Debbie X

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Hi nigadrog,
I do feel for you and the loss of your wife in such traumatic circumstances and the trauma of past events. It is good that you have had successful therapy.
It’s so easy for relatives, friends and others to suggest that you should have moved on by now when they have no idea what it’s like to lose your soul mate. Only when it’s happened to them will they begin to understand the magnitude of how to begin to cope with all the emotions.
I to lost my husband three years ago and although I try very hard for the sake of my family to put on a brave face the loss never really goes away.
Thinking of you and everyone who has lost someone. n Love Jenny

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Thank you so much for your kind words, it’s very supportive of you. Hopefully we can keep in touch on this site, I wish I had known of it before.

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Thanks Debbie57 for your kind words of support, very much appreciated. I am so sorry for your loss, it is as hard I think sudden or long. I have difficulty concentrating for long periods and struggle reading books but those words of Susan Bates are on the money. I struggled last weekend at a cousins 60th as my wife would have been there. Two of my siblings couldn’t understand why I wasn’t the fun loving person I used to be, wasn’t miserable just sad and quiet. It was a dog friendly pub and my wife loved dogs, I had taken my almost 15 year old dog with me. Hopefully can keep in touch on this site.
Regards Nigel x

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Hi Jenny
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I am so sorry for your loss. The last message I sent in error, wanted to add more. Fridays and Saturdays I find particularly hard as those were her days off. Was travelling back from a garden centre with a two year old granddaughter, two miles from home and the RTC happened. Granddaughter was severely concussed and suffered brain injury but has recovered well. I find solace in the fact that I am able to support my stepdaughter and family.
Regards Nigel x

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Hi Nigel,
I think many of us on this site dread weekends also Bank holidays, Easter, Christmas, Birthdays and the list goes on and on. I see couples out together and remember that that was how Pete and I were holding hands and planning where we were going or what to do next in the garden or house and how quickly it seemed to come to an end.
I was very sorry to hear that you had the the added distress of your granddaughter being hurt and it is good that she is recovering well. |I It It is also good that you are able to give the little girl and her family support and I’m sure your wife would be very proud of you. Lots of very kind people on this site and we’re all in the same boat sadly . It took me a year or more to pluck up the courage to post my first message on here So glad I did as I soon realized that my thoughts and feelings were shared by so many others and I didn’t feel so alone knowing that it just wasn’t me felling so bereft…
Love Jenny

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Hi Nigel, it’s good to hear your granddaughter is recovering well, in what must have been a very frightening experience.
As Jenny said birthdays, anniversaries and bank holidays are all very hard, you see other families together doing normal things and that is not us any more. I recently went to a 50th wedding anniversary party, first time without my close family with me, it’s hard trying to be jolly and join in conversations when you feel sad and lost.
I don’t know what I would have done without my family, lossing their dad has brought us all closer together supporting each other as best we can.
I have five granddaughter’s and one grandson all very precious.
Reading is the only thing I still seem to be able to do, I easily lose interest in TV, used to love doing crosswords and puzzles. I think it’s because I used to help Doug do them and now they hold no joy.
I met up with an old school friend today for coffee, she married my cousin and we haven’t been in touch for nearly thirty years. Her husband died ten years ago and it was lovely to talk with someone that shares the same loss. We talked about everything, school days, our husbands, our feelings and how we coped and even laughed about some of the boys we used to fancy. It was so good to have an open honest conversation no holes barred on any subject.
I have one or two special friends I can do that with, what I’m trying to say is, it’s good to talk, be open and remember our loved ones with people who understand because they have been there too and are still on this journey.
This is what I find so good about this site. Like Jenny, I didn’t join until just before the year anniversary. I been reading alot of posts on the public site seeing what I was feeling and not coping pushed me into joining.
Yes, we can keep on touch.
Love Debbie X

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Am so sorry may her soul rest in peace. I understand you as I remember last year my husband had a fatal accident he was driving but I reached him after 5minutes he was already gone I didn’t know I will be alive today but it’s only God who has kept me going they have prayed for me until I got well. But I thank God you well now

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Dear Nigel What a tragic accident. Sudden death is always the most difficult to come to terms with. I can see why your previous experiences were uncovered My husband also died as the result of an accident. It seems so unfair and random. But it hasn’t shaken my faith.
I do hope as time passes you will slowly improve also with the help of friends.
Very best wishes
Tricia

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Hi Nigadrog
It is so annoying when people say you should move on. We don’t move on - we keep living with this void and sadness inside us
Sadie x

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Hi @Dorah7777, you are so young to have had so much loss in your life, I am so sorry. My husband died after a long illness so I had time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine how devastating it must be to lose your husband so suddenly. He would have know you were at his side.
My belief in God that has kept me going too, I know he is in safe hands until it is my time to be called home.
God bless
Debbie X

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So true Sadie, even close family members have been non sensitive putting all deaths of loved ones in the same basket. Death of a child is worse of all of them, my late wife lost her twelve year old daughter when she was on holiday with her father in Florida. The death was also witnessed by her seven year old sister, who only talked about how she felt a few days before her mum lost her life in the RTC. Her ex partner was also saying that a year is long enough to grieve and that she should move on. Death of a sibling is under estimated particularly when a child is involved.

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So true but I always lean now in hands of God
Thank you Debbie 57

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I lost my husband 6 months ago due to a brain tumour. He was only ill for 6 months, but I was his main carer. Since he’s passed I’ve been also unable to return to nursing as I’m all “cared” out after the horrific battle we had.
The event wasn’t helped by unhelpful family members and tactless comments either.
Ronnie x

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Ronnie
I send you love
In time you may feel able to go back to your job
6 months is a very short time
Sadie xx

So sorry to hear of your husbands untimely death. You have mine and others on this thread full support. It is hard if you don’t get family understanding and support, mine were supportive at the start but they apparently believe I should have got over it by now and shouldn’t be sad anymore. Fortunately I have two daughters who are supportive, it’s two of my siblings and their partners who believe I should have recovered.

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Hi. I lost my husband very suddenly 3 years ago. He was my everything and soul mate. I am so sorry for your loss and it being so traumatic.
I don’t have any answers but can only share with you my experience. I would say that your grief is your own and will be different for everyone. So reading books may not be helpful but do what is helpful to you. Talking is still my comfort. There is no time limit, and I think you will never move on. Its more like a change in how you cope with the circumstances you find yourself in.
What helps me is all the good memories I have. I have a great family and friends circle. So talking with them is my therapy. Be kind to yourself, embrace every chance you have to get out and socialise. Try to make it a positive experience if you can, life is so very short as we know. You are right covid hasn’t helped. I wish you well. Take care
Helen x

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Wise words Helen
I also lost my husband 3 years ago - the void remains - as you say we learn how to cope
In my case , after a couple years I started listen to Audible and many many books on bereavement, grief, loss …… to me they were useful . It was useful to hear the experience of others with their loss.
I can’t be specific how they helped but they did - I cried a lot when I listen to them and every so often I go back to these books

As you said - each and everyone of us find ways to survive - we never move on - we just go forward Caring our grief with us
Take care
Sadie x

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Hi my dear, I heard from a young man on a zoom meeting of The Loss Foundation, that there’s no move on but MOVE FORWARD! He became a widow as well and he made an analogy that made sense to me

These gigantic waves that are uninterruptedly crashing us will eventually get spread out from each other and come in n a different cycle. It will give us time to come up for air before it comes again. However, they are forever lasting!

It made me feel better :point_up_2:! I’ve lost my husband of 32 years of marriage 9 months ago. It’s been miserable but I feel I’ve been improving a little.

I am so sorry for all you are going through!

A tight hug from me! Take care!
Elen Costa

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