I often come upon the word ‘fight’. In anxiety, (and the symptoms of anxiety are very close to those of bereavement), to fight emotions and feelings is to make matters worse than they need be. The dictionary says ‘To fight. To enter into combat with’. The word ‘struggle’ is similar. When in grief do we need to enter into combat with ‘IT’? Fighting and struggling with emotions is natural response to anxiety. We want out of it and in our minds we often struggle to free ourselves from the pain. but in accepting the pain and going with it rather than setting up opposition to it is a much better way forward.
Now to those newly bereaved this may sound all pie in the sky nonsense. And of course, to you at the moment it is. But store it away in your mind for future use. By facing and accepting our fears and the ‘what ifs’, we don’t try and run away from the pain. We allow it to come. We grieve because it’s the natural thing to do. Acceptance is far from easy, especially in the initial stages of grief. Accepting it’s a natural occurrence is also not easy. It’s still very much a process we have to go through, and by thinking differently maybe, just maybe, we can ease our way just a bit.
Blessings. John.
Thank you, John. I agree that you have to let the feelings come and go and not fight. I am a Registered Nurse and have worked in Oncology and Haematology and often saw patients being told “to fight” cancer by the Media and people with no concept of disease. It just added to the fear, stress and sadness that these patients felt. Sometimes, the language used is just wrong. Thanks for you post. Rachel.
Hi John
I agree with you. Having taken on board your advice previously offered. I started to accept and didn’t fight it anymore and accepted the good days with gratitude and got through the bad days full of fear and pain, as best I could I then found that a certain peace and positivity would take over, for a while. It becomes a vicious circle, a merry go round that becomes a way of life. Our love doesn’t just stop, it can become even more intense and through the pain it can bring comfort. As you say it might well sound nonsense to newly bereaved but given time and understanding just perhaps your advice might help them just as it has me.
Pat xxx
Johnthan 123 - what lovely words. I was told by a Bereavement Counsellor that grief is a complicated process that involves many emotions.
When my partner died suddenly it was a very confusing time. I really couldn’t understand the jumble of thoughts in my head. I would recommend counselling to anyone who is grieving. It really helped me to come to terms with what had happened and made feel sane again.
May everyone on this group find peace and learn how to deal with this grief over time. (Remember there is no set time that you should grieve for. It varies for everyone.)
Thanks for your reply Rachel. ‘He fought cancer for many years’!
I hear that often and it makes me cringe. Any form of fighting involves so much energy, and energy is not something cancer patients have. None of this is easy, because when we are ‘attacked’ by a disease or anxiety the natural thing to do is to fight. It’s a big mistake in any illness. It also applies to the emotions in bereavement. It’s a battle we can never win. We so often turn our minds into a battleground. If we can accept the situation, which no amount of fighting will resolve, we may get a little peace. Even a little can be a lot. Blessings.
Hi Jonathan123, I agree. Three years ago, my mother in law died of cancer then 5 weeks later, my Mum died. I went into “fight mode” as I was the main Carer for my Dad who had dementia and also working as a Nurse. My Dad died from Covid last month and I am really trying not to go into “fight mode” but to remember my lovely Dad and grieve for him as the emotions appear. I have been struggling with my GP who thinks I should return to the Emergency Unit and nurse Covid patients - but for the first time in ages, I’m going to really try to look after myself. You take care as well. Rachel x
Hi ,John and others who have posted. Fighting doesnt work because you cant fight grief you just have to go with it and hope you stay afloat.I lost my Mum last June then my husband 5 months later in November with sudden unexpected heart attack in the early hours and I still have feelings of unreality ,I’m very up and down my brain gets overwhelmed and I seem to shut down in a fog which lasts about 20 minutes usually a couple of times a day, in some ways I feel worse now at 6 months ,I feel I’ve lost part of myself and feel insecure in myself as I dont know if I’m going to get through this dispite faith in God . Has anyone felt similar ?,feel like I’m loosing it sometimes and must control myself .Funny how I can feel normal inbetween I hope that means I will recover ,I have had 3 months councelling which helped maybe I need more .Thanks for reading. Sue
Hi. Sue. Nature has given us safeguards against mental pain. In PTSD the brain has blocked out some awful happening to prevent us going under with the pain the memory can bring. So many suffer from PTSD in grief without realising it. And is it surprising? It’s a life trauma and to be expected. This may be why you get shut downs as if in a fog. It’s nothing to be at all alarmed about and it will pass. PTSD is another form of acute anxiety. We become anxious about the future and how we will cope. Unreality is another anxiety symptom. We just can’t believe it has happened and may go into denial. Now we need to accept this as part of the grieving process. None of these feeling are harmful, and to accept them is the way forward and not give them too much attention. If we fight them they feed on the fear we generate. Six months is not long, although it may seem so. You use the word ‘afloat’. If we can ‘float’ through the pain and not struggle with it it can often ease the burden. If you feel your faith in God is affected by all this try and remember that His Love is always available, but we mostly block it by our emotions and feelings of the time. God does not make this happen to punish us.
Faith can take a hard knock at first. Why?? we ask. There is never an answer readily available, and we can make ourselves worse by asking the unanswerable question. It’s so good you are having counselling. It will pay off if you stick at it. Never allow yourself to think ‘I should be better by now’. That will only lead to frustration and disappointment. It takes the time it takes, and each individual will take as much time as they want.
Take care. Blessings.
Hi Sue3, I am sorry to hear that you have been bereaved. My Dad died of Covid last month. You describe exactly how i feel right now. I appreciate you writing this. Take care. Rachel x
Hi Jonathan123, Thank you x Your comments help me so much. Rachel.
Thankyou Johnathan ,that was very reassuring and helpful ,blessings to you too .
Thankyou Rachael
Sorry, Rachel x
No worries, Sue3 
xx