3 weeks ago my nana lost her battle with cancer. From being diagnosed in 2020 with bowel cancer, having that removed and being given the all clear, in may 22 we found out it was back and had spread in her body, but my god she was a fighter and she fought like nothing else. 9th may 2023 after a seizure we initially thought had been a stroke we found out the cancer had spread to Nanas brain but we were told by professionals nana could over come this too, all of her other tumours were stable so her consultant couldn’t see any reason why she couldn’t have brain surgery to remove the tumour, though nana was scared she was ready for this fight and wanted to do whatever she could to beat this and stay with her family, we travelled 90 miles away to see the surgeon for him to tell Nana he wouldn’t be happy performing the surgery and would write to her consultant to see if there was any other options for Nana, we then had another appointment with the consultant who told us not to worry, they would try targeted radiotherapy, I think nanny was relieved she wouldn’t have to go through surgery even though she absolutely was willing to do it if it meant giving her a chance at surviving this god awful disease. Fast forward a week after speaking with the consultant regarding radiotherapy we received a call off his secretary saying targeted radiotherapy was no longer an option. And after that no more contact from the consultant, the palliative care nurse couldn’t even get a response from his regarding nanas just in case medication.
I can’t help but feel so angry that Nana was given false hope that there was options that would just allow her more time here with those she loved most. Nana wasn’t ready to go, she didn’t want to go and she was in denial for the rest of the weeks we had her and I am confident this was because of the false hope she had been given. Nana didn’t really speak much about the cancer or the fact she was dying, she didn’t really open up to anyone the only thing she said was to the palliative care nurse ‘I’m not ready to leave my girls’ (myself, my mum, my auntie and my daughter).
I miss her so much, my heart is completely broken and my world has crumbed.
People have told me, at least I had her for as long as I did, 30 years. And I know how blessed I was to of loved and been loved by my nana but now 30 years doesn’t seem like anywhere near long enough. We used to tell eachother we loved eachother all the time, at the end of every phone call and whenever I was leaving her and I am missing hearing her say those words. What I would give to have her back with us where she belongs.