My wife of 36 years died on Nov 25th last year. We donated her body to science and so there was no funeral, especially given the time of year the weather and that we are in the north of Scotland.
She wanted a “Do” and so I delayed the final goodbye until this Thursday, 122 days after she died.
Spring was her favourite time of year when life is returning to an otherwise bleak landscape.
only a few relatives travelled the several hundred miles due to age or work commitments, but I am grateful for those that did.
I am more grateful to the 100 or so others that turned out to celebrate the life of my wonderful Carol. The day was traumatic but I think we did her proud, she would have enjoyed the day. The poetry and the music was just to her liking.
I did the best I could for her but now my life is empty again. It was a final goodbye in the formal sense, no more planning, nothing to arrange, just life to live without any real point. My final promise was that I would take good care of our dog Meg. This I will do for as long as required but with little else to live for I am anxious about the future. Its only been 17 week but already seems a life time.
I get advice from people who think they know what it must be like, but in reality they haven’t got a clue. As I didn’t have a clue before November last year.
One day at a time is the mantra, each day is hell and each day is a lifetime of heartache.
I keep going because of a promise I made to the love of my life. She always wished me the best in life, and she was the best thing in my life.
I miss her everyday, with every tear I shed. I stand at the top of the hills I walk and shout her name but get no reply.
Hello,
I’m sure Carol would be very pleased that you arranged her ‘Do” & kept in mind e earthing that she liked & how lovely that people came.
How your feeling is normal, we have lots to do to fill our minds and then there is nothing but the grief.
You’re still in the very early days, all I can say is that plan a couple of things to do each day and stick to it to get a routine in place, things will improve but it takes time, you will always feel sad but that gut wrenching pain will pass with time.
I found planning a day or two away every month helps, there are lots of air b&b that take dogs nowadays and also finding a good book and losing myself in that.
Hartwood, I am truly sorry that your wife died. It is the most Earth shattering thing that can happen to us. I am 27 weeks in and I can tell you that yes, it does get better.
At this point, you are likely in a fog of confusion, anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, fear and walking in circles as your mind swirls 1,000 things in your head. Forgetful, unable to make full sentences, no appetite, sleepless, intestinal issues, a look of shock on your face, unable to focus, living in a chaotic state of uncertainty, chest pain, not caring about any things anymore, losing weight, wanting to be alone with yourself, and feeling hopeless. I got it. We all do. It is a nightmare.
Yes, it is true. You must live hour-by-hour and day by day. That is the way it is or we won’t make it. For now, pay the bills, feed yourself nutritious food and even force yourself to eat, feed the pets and everything else can wait. Everything else.
Yes, it feels like yesterday or 100 years ago because it is surreal. Nothing prepares us for the void that is left in us and we know nothing will ever fill that void again.
It sucks. But, I am here to tell you that you will figure it out. You will learn to function in this new life as you get to know who you are now. You will never be the same as before, the life you knew is gone, the person you knew as you is gone. Now, we have to create a life alone. It is hard. Harder than anyone but widows and widowers understand.
It does get easier to accept with time. I know this because I have widowed friends and they managed to create a life after the death of their spouses. It wasn’t easy or overnight, but it happened.
Cry your eyes out and one day the tears will stop. The chest pain will subside, the sadness will lift and the fog will clear. Just not today. Not yet. It is a long, miserable road.
Know that we are walking the road too and we understand it all very well. There are many very nice people here all in different stags of grieving and we help to shore one another up in bad times and celebrate the good news.
You can let it out here. No judgment.
Much love.
Hartwood. I am truly sorry for your loss. My wife died 19 weeks ago today. I recognise so much of what you say, and you are right that only those who have lost a partner actually understand what we are going through. From my experience this is a lovely safe and helpful place and we all just understand and support each other through thick and thin. Cry, rant, laugh with us all. We’ve all been there too. I can say nothing better than Peaches has already done.
All I want to add is that I think you have made an amazing gift which will hopefully benefit many others in the future. We missed the opportunity to donate organs as was Mary’s wish as we weren’t asked about this at the time and we were all too traumatised to even think about that. We honestly weren’t expecting her to die as she went into hospital for a chest infection, or so we thought. She was still texting friends 36 hours before she died to say she would do things she agreed to do, as soon as she got home!
Take care and do be kind to yourself. Nigel
I understand how you feel, I lost my beloved husband on 23rd November 2024 to cancer.
We were together for 22 years and Im lost without him, I miss him everyday and just want him back.
Half of me is missing now and im not living anymore just existing waiting for the day I can be with him again.
Im so sorry for your loss.
I know what you mean that half of you is missing- we did everything together joined at the hip- I’m having a bad few days at the moment then that will pass and then I’ll have a few more crappie days it is getting a little better- I’m doing up the apartment at the moment and I talk to his photo and ask if he likes what I’m doing to the place- I’m sure he does xx
My husband always said that a material things you can replace but what is inside your heart you can’t.
Im sure he would like whatever you choose x
That’s so true would give up everything i own to have my husband back so lonely without him been six months and it doesn’t get any easier x
I agree, its been 4 months for me, I miss him everyday and I wish I could have him back.
You don’t think you would be a widow at 51, half of me is missing and after 22 years I just want to give up and be with him xx
Yes i feel the same but i know it’s not an option i know my husband would want me to be happy and live my life for him i’m sure yours would too. Just have to keep putting one foot before the other and hope that one day the pain will lessen and we will learn to live with it xx
Hi Barb and poppit, these chats really do help me cope and I can really feel your loss and pain but together with our stories I really hope that just some kind words and love go a long way- keep talking on here and together I hope that you see and feel safe in our chats without any of us having to explain why we are sad and don’t particularly want to talk outside of our conversations- massive hugs 
Yes it’s nice to talk to people who understand what we’re going through makes me feel less lonely and know what i feel is normal
Oh how i know this feeling too i really dont want to be here without my Linda by my side i lost my babe 8th oct 24 worst day i have ever experienced in my life Been together 14 years but knew each other 20 in total was to marry this year after putting it back because of things like losing my dad in 2021 to cancer and just time went by and lockdown she was only 53 it just doesn’t make any sense all these plans gone and the flashbacks of that night i lost my Linda haunts me now we feel for you on here its horrid place to be we didn’t choose this path it was forced on us for whatever reason which we ask for but never get a reply I’m now looking after Linda’s elderly room bound mum now linda was her carer and only family near to us so alone now without her
its a dam hard long painful road we on I’m sending my love and thoughts to you and all on here hope you find some peace and comfort in the future 
Take care
Martin
The biggest benefit to this site is reading the comments and knowing whilst we may be physically alone, emotionally we the support of each other. My circumstances are bad but not as bad a some others and it makes me feel lucky that I was able to spend some time with my darling Carol and whilst there are conversations I wish we had found time and energy to have, those we did have hold deep meanings.
I have no idea where my life will go from here, coming up to 67 years old I see only years of loneliness.
Bless you all and remember your loved ones in the way you would want to be remembered.
Be well
Derek
I’m the same 70 hate the thought of years on my own but like you say we have no choice in the way things have worked out for us we are the unlucky ones xx
Like you - I lost my husband at the beginning of December (cancer) diagnosed only 4 weeks earlier. I still cry regularly but not as much as I did. I am currently on holiday (booked long before my husband was diagnosed) it’s been tough but I feel we have to go through those ‘first time events’ - it’s part of this painful process. Sending hugs.
I lost my lovely wife last August. I also get advice from people with no experience. I also take one day at a time and feel completely lost. Keith.
You never get over it. I’m trying hard to move on after my partner of 55 years died in June last year, but I just feel I’m standing still. I cry every morning and every night. Nobody knows what it is like unless you have experienced a loss, and they all seem to be full of do this, do that, but they do not know, each day passes by seems to me gets more difficult, and I share your view of a living hell. There is a huge Birthday card celebrating the 80th birthday, with various photo’s, and says on the front, for the one I love, and will stay there whilst I’m still alive. I hope you can move on, but believe me it is difficult, and I wish you all the best.
Flossy6 it’s brave of you to go on holiday i have two coming up that my husband booked before his death last October we were going with my sister in law and her partner . They still want me to go with them one in a cottage in Norfolk one in Spain i’ve said i’ll go but now i wish I hadn’t it’s going to be so difficult without Chris i find life on my own lonely and miserable we were married 50 years. On the one hand it will be nice to have some company but on the other him not being with me will be so sad xx
Barbarap you must go. It will be a real strain and you will suffer such doubts about your ability to cope, but at least the Norfolk holiday will leave the option open for you to cut it short if you find you really cannot cope. Hopefully you sister in law will be kind enough and attentive enough to recognize when you need that all essential personal space, if not just tell them gentle that you need some me time.
Be well
Derek