As stated in a previous post, my partner passed away just under 4 weeks ago.
She had a cancer diagnosis in summer 22 followed by a life changing operation and months of check ups followed.
She never fully recovered and the doctors/ consultants failed to notice and diagnose the cancer returning and this was ultimately, her cause of death.
We’ve been a couple and living together for a decade, with the intention to get married in the summer, once she had recovered enough, prior to knowing her cancer was back.
Since her operation, I’ve become her carer. As her condition worsened, I saw my friends and family less as she needed more and more care, until in was pretty much the two of us
Now she’s gone, I feel like I have no purpose in life. Nothing to get up for, nothing to look forward to and nothing to stay up for.
I have a dog, cats and young children I see every other week but I feel so alone and lack any motivation. The dog gets multiple daily walks because I couldn’t add guilt for that on top of everything else.
I feel like I want to move house and away from the area we’ve been living as it just has memories we made, everywhere I go but I know one shouldn’t make such large life changes so early into the grieving process.
I’ve felt this pain before, having lost my Dad in my late 20’s and my mum in my early 30’s but when it’s your partner, it seems so much worse.
We spent all day, every day together and we never really argued about anything.
We worked together too, which would add a strain to most relationships.
Even towards the end, when she was in a hospital bed in the lounge, I would leave my desk in the next room to check on her every 10 minutes, have lunch with her and we would still watch tv together and chat every evening.
Following my previous marriage, she was completely different. So loving and caring and she would boost my confidence just by being together, where my ex would constantly knock it as a way of control.
I’d never felt so happy and alive, like I did when I was with her and we’ve been through a lot together.
It just feels so isolating and anxiety inducing. I feel like I lost part of my identity and all of my purpose in life.
I’m not just grieving the loss of my best friend and soulmate but also the loss of the person I was when I was with her.
It feels like the grief is so heavy, choking, all consuming that it’s hard to see anything positive in life but I carry on and try to be strong for my young children, when they visit.
I’m hoping to get my referral through for counselling, as that helped with my parents.
