Finding a purpose in life again.

As stated in a previous post, my partner passed away just under 4 weeks ago.

She had a cancer diagnosis in summer 22 followed by a life changing operation and months of check ups followed.
She never fully recovered and the doctors/ consultants failed to notice and diagnose the cancer returning and this was ultimately, her cause of death.

We’ve been a couple and living together for a decade, with the intention to get married in the summer, once she had recovered enough, prior to knowing her cancer was back.

Since her operation, I’ve become her carer. As her condition worsened, I saw my friends and family less as she needed more and more care, until in was pretty much the two of us

Now she’s gone, I feel like I have no purpose in life. Nothing to get up for, nothing to look forward to and nothing to stay up for.

I have a dog, cats and young children I see every other week but I feel so alone and lack any motivation. The dog gets multiple daily walks because I couldn’t add guilt for that on top of everything else.

I feel like I want to move house and away from the area we’ve been living as it just has memories we made, everywhere I go but I know one shouldn’t make such large life changes so early into the grieving process.

I’ve felt this pain before, having lost my Dad in my late 20’s and my mum in my early 30’s but when it’s your partner, it seems so much worse.

We spent all day, every day together and we never really argued about anything.
We worked together too, which would add a strain to most relationships.

Even towards the end, when she was in a hospital bed in the lounge, I would leave my desk in the next room to check on her every 10 minutes, have lunch with her and we would still watch tv together and chat every evening.

Following my previous marriage, she was completely different. So loving and caring and she would boost my confidence just by being together, where my ex would constantly knock it as a way of control.
I’d never felt so happy and alive, like I did when I was with her and we’ve been through a lot together.

It just feels so isolating and anxiety inducing. I feel like I lost part of my identity and all of my purpose in life.
I’m not just grieving the loss of my best friend and soulmate but also the loss of the person I was when I was with her.

It feels like the grief is so heavy, choking, all consuming that it’s hard to see anything positive in life but I carry on and try to be strong for my young children, when they visit.

I’m hoping to get my referral through for counselling, as that helped with my parents.

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@Mattg22

Sorry for your loss :heart:

It’s awful isn’t it. I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice as I also lost my partner two weeks ago on Sunday, I don’t know how we will ever get used to it.

Sending hugs :hugs:

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Your words are so heartfelt I can resonate with so much you have mentioned…
I lost both my parents years ago when I was younger it was very traumatic for me but I had my partner to comfort me through the loss… it’s so much harder without our better halves. I’ve lost my identity and trying to find the new me and I’m not sure if I like myself yet…but I keep going I’m existing by keeping some sort of routine, seeing friends and family… I can’t imagine living alone like this for the rest of my years I could have another 20. I contemplated moving at the beginning of grief but it’s because I couldn’t face the reality of the empty house with all our memories in… I’m so glad I didn’t and each day I’m finding small bits of joy in the little things but I still miss him so much that won’t ever change… I’m 9
Months down this awful road

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I can identify with this.

I am trying to get into a routine.

When I realised that I was starting to get into one, I must admit I was sad, maybe angry, We had a routine when he was still here. I loved that routine and wanted it back.
Of course, I can’t. So now I am adjusting to having this new one.

I miss him so much. I came back home after being out with friends and so wished he was here and had also been able to enjoy such a sunny day.

Hugs xx

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Hi @RoseGarden
It’s 10 months today for me and my routine has gone out of the window… I sat up crying last night until I had no tears left and eventually went to sleep…
Why do people assume your okay or your moving on…not deep down we’re not…
Filling days is just filling a void…
My friends daughter in law lost her dad yesterday to a brain tumour it’s very tragic Inknow exactly how she must feel I lost my dad 27 years ago when I was 31… I’m trying to support my friend but im reliving the loss of my Chris and feeling sorry for myself and losing all motivation again…
I’m sorry for your loss I wonder if we will ever feel the way we felt before we lost the love of our lives :cry::cry:

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We never know what is coming that will force us off track.
Sadly, I think this rollercoaster journey could be longer than we would wish.
However, I am really hoping that the good bits will soon outweigh the bad ones.
Also, that the good bits will remind us that we can be positive and tackle things.

I am in a similar situation with a young person who has recently had a sudden death in their family. I contact them to let them know that I am here for them and they can talk when they want.
I think it helps that they know I have gone through exactly the same as many of their young friends have not yet experienced losing someone. The young friends other fiends of a similar age do the things they like to do with them. I hope your young friend is able to do that.

As you know, we are all here for you, Take care.

Big hugs, RoseX

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Thankyou @RoseGarden
Yes I think your right we have a lot
More empathy because we are going through loss and know what it’s like first hand… I’m okay today better than I thought I’d be… took myself on our special walk the fresh air and sunshine really helped…
we are going to have these really s……t days then better ones.
Take
Care x

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Ilovehorses hello ive the same age as u 59 lost my husband off 38 years on the 31st july 2023 and like u i lost my dad when i was 30 im not doing very well but try as hard as i can as im the special guardian off my three gransons ive had them nearlly 11 years so have to function for them daily other wise i dont think id get out off bed is just so tragic and sad so many off us are broken…take care

Its hard to find a purpose or reason to it, when you lose someone you love. I lost my husband 3 weeks and 3 days ago. You just have to take one day at a time. Some days will be worse than others. But whatever happens nobody can take away all those lovely memories, you shared with your loved one. Try to be strong. :hugs:

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I just want to be able to have those memories make me happy that I had those times with my wife , rather than sad there will be no more , hopefully in time :pray:

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In time that will come. I feel exactly the same , i cant look at any photos without breaking down. I’m unable to go for a walk round where we live as we use too go out together walking our dog Ozzy. Every day is hard and the nights are the worse. I put the tv on to drown out the silence but suddenly something my husband use to watch comes on and again i start to get emotional. Its hard to make sense of it all and to ask why me ? Why did my soul mate have to die! But these things happen and there is no reason or explanation, other than it is your time. Life can change in a instant and suddenly your sitting there on your own without the person who made you feel at one. X

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hi Helen
I’m sorry for your loss of your husdband he was a year younger than mine…
It’s so hard to get my head around
I’ve got a grandson he dosent live with me but I’ve been there a lot for him and he used to stay three days a week…
so glad we have this forum

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