Finding a purpose to go on

Coping with bereavement
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I lost Ian my best friend and husband in October last year very suddenly and unexpected. It was very traumatic for me and has left me with distressing flashbacks and nightmares. I just about got through Christmas, but New Year was a whole new level of hurt, feeling like I was leaving him behind again. I was back at work between Christmas and New Year where we had both spent the last 19 years working for the same company. I hit my lowest point Tuesday 30th December when I experienced the most overwhelming desperation and loneliness and panic that I would be leaving him in 2025 and going into 2026 without him and he would be a distant memory. I was so scared and just felt I wanted to end it. I went andcsat in my van to clear my head, and spent an hour talking to the Samaritons who were really kind and helpful. Work sent me home, but I was back in the next day.

I kept myself busy New Year’s eve putting Xmas decorations away and clearing. I saw the year in and slept on the sofa.but woke at 3am just scrolling on Facebook as is a habit now. I came across an advert for the London to Brighton off road cycle ride in aid of British Heart Foundation , a charity Ian supported for his mum. Ian died of a huge heart attack.

We were mountain biking buddies ourselves, and renewed our vows on Ben Nevis at the beginning of one of the top MTB trails in July last year for our 30th wedding anniversary.
I had this overwhelming feeling he was telling me there is every reason to keep going. So I signed up to the ride, booked a five night accommodation in Brighton, and planned my training routine as I’ve never ridden 61 miles before. I now have some purpose and goal, and I can hear him egging me on.

It is outside my comfort zone doing this alone, but we kind of rolled like that in what we did. It doesn’t take away the flashbacks or nightmares but I do feel more connected with him and feel he is there with me, especially in the van which we only got months prior to his passing and he was so proud of and loved.

He truly left me a legacy to live on for, and I am grateful he gave me this strength. :folded_hands:

Love to anyone who has really low points, it is awful but there is help and there is hope and you will find a coping strategy. Thank you Ian for your love andcyour friendship, you were the most kindest and attentive gentleman I ever had the honour of knowing, and you will live on in my heart always. X

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Hi Mrs Bean

So sorry for your loss, Ian definitely sounded like a really lovely person. The loss of your other half and best friend has to be the worst pain. You feel so unsure of yourself and scared for the future. But what a wonderful way that you intend to honour him by doing the bike ride. Great that you feel like this and it will give you something to focus on. I too lost my Ray in October, I’m 55 and he had just turned 60 in hospital, 12 days before he passed with advanced pancreatic cancer, after just 8 weeks. We were together for 32 years and I’m devastated. I’ve yet to find a way forward, feel like I’m just existing at the moment, even though I’m back at work. Wishing you lots of luck with your training routine. Take care x

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Hi Peg2,

My heart goes out to you, and sending you a huge hug. I will be 55 in June, Ian was 55 when he passed. It is truly an awful thing to deal with. You will find something that brings you comfort and a way of sharing something you loved together, it will come. I know healing takes time and you are still very fragile. Take care of yourself, you will find your feet and your path.

All the best xx

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Hi Mrs Bean,

I see that you suffer from nighmares. There are a couple of things you might be able to do about these as with your husband passing horrible dreams are something you don’t need.

There is medication that eases nightmares and perhaps you might like to look into this.

The other idea I had is that I have just had an email from a Dr Paul Ogilvy who is English. I’d forgotten about him. But, he says he’s back on deck again having taken a break from his youtube endeavours and has made some lovely long speaking meditations specifically made for sleeping disorders. He is presenting them on youtube. I recommend these as when I saw the email today, I listened to one just out of curiosity and crashed out in the middle of the day at my desk. I went off to bed and put my iphone in with me and had a lovely sleep. He’s got a very gentle voice.

He also offers a way of putting on his meditation so that it repeats throughout the night.

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Thanks, I will give that a try!

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I am sorry for your loss your husband , I lost my husband September 2025 suddenly to heart attack. It was a great shock ,I am so glad you have found a goal to reach for . I wish you well with the training and the race

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