Hi this is my first post here.
It is 7 weeks since I lost my Mum and I feel like my grief is getting stronger - I know there’s no ‘normal’ but I wonder how you have all coped as the weeks roll by and it feels like we are expected to just get on with life. My Mum so wanted me to ‘get back to being me’ (her words) but I don’t feel like I know myself any more…
I have a loving family, am supporting my Dad, good friends but I’m struggling to know how to move forwards.
Mum had no symptoms before end of March this year - she then became very poorly and was diagnosed with a rare cancer mid May. She died 11 weeks later. It’s a lot to process and I just don’t feel I’m any closer to finding acceptance. My memories seem to be all around the weeks she was unwell, I struggle to recall happy times. I’ve been journalling and looking at photos and trying to remember the happiness - any one in a similar situation who can offer any advice please do comment. Thank you x
Hello @clf361,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Another good resource to look at is Losing a parent.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi,
I am so sorry about your loss. My heart goes out to you. For me the early weeks were a blur of just constant crying. I hardly got out of bed and was in a very dark place. After a few months it lifted it rather eased.
I am two years on now . Well at Christmas time I will be. I can truthfully say I am not the same person as I was before. And I have accepted I never will be that person again. I realise it’s the start of a new life now and one I didn’t want but have no choice but to carry on surviving each day.
My mum was everything to me and it’s hopeless thinking my life will ever be normal again.
My only advice is keep posting on here as this site saved me. People on here helped me do much to realise the emotions I went through and am still going through are normal. I had a focus every day in teaching out to people on here. Checking my messages and replies became a daytime routine when my life was nothing but utter chaos. Set yourself small targets for each day and it doesn’t matter how small they are. For me in the early weeks one target for me one day was to make a cup of tea and I simply couldn’t get out of bed, wash it even dress.
Take each day and week slowly. Surround yourself with supportive people and put yourself first in everything you do. Look after yourself. Eat and rest and have some ME time even a few minutes away from everyone else so if you want to cry on your own you can.
As the weeks and months pass you will get a little stronger and can set more daily or weekly targets. I still do daily targets otherwise I will just sit and do nothing.
People on here will reply and support you and no one judges you so feel free to post whenever you want .
Sending love to you
Deborah x
Thank you for your reply @seychelles
I am sorry for your loss and really appreciate your advice. I’m not used to putting myself first but what you said about that really resonates and I am realising I definitely need to do this. And go at my own pace.
I will definitely use this forum and am so glad to hear it has helped you. X
Hi clf61,
Keep posting as it really will help you to feel less isolated.
Once you get stronger in yourself you can face things better.
I made a special place in my house for a memory area for my mum and in the early days i found it got me through a lot of bad times. I put a photo of mum, flowers , candle, favourite ornaments of mums and I changed it every week. It gave me a sense of doing something for her as I missed caring for her so much.
Sending love your way
Deborah x
I have 2 photos of Mum and some of the flowers from her funeral (beautiful orange roses) that I have dried and they are in a vase. I look at her smiling face and whilst I do cry I also smile and remember her laugh or one of her funny phrases. a quote I’ve heard alot is ‘grief is the price we pay for love’ and that’s so true isn’t it? I will love Mum forever and I think I’ll grieve forever too - but they are intertwined…x
Hi clf361,
How are things with you?
Saving your mum’s flowers is such a good idea.
Are you looking after yourself? Eating and resting?
Try to find things to distract yourself for a few minutes each day and build up to an hour then a few hours each day.
Go for a walk even if it’s just in the garden, read for a few minutes or just one chapter, lie down and rest, soak in the bath, do a few jobs around the house, talk to a friend but only if you feel they understand or do anything that distracts you for even ten minutes.
Set yourself small targets for each day if you can . Nothing too much. Simple ones just to help you survive the day. Break the day into morning, afternoon and evening,
If you wake at night upset get up ,put the light on, go downstairs,make a cuppa. Do anything to help you survive the pain of grief just for a while.
Do you work?
Have you family members at home?
Every day make some time for yourself even if it’s just for reflecting. Even cuddling something of your mum’s may help.
Just sending you some of the things I have tried.
Sending love to you.
Deborah x
Hi @seychelles thank you for checking in 
I’m doing ok thank you - I am doing my best to look after myself, sleep has been tricky but for the first time in weeks I was woken up by my alarm at 7am today rather than being up at 5am! I am self employed so am able to work flexibly which has been a real help as I feel ‘ok’ at random times - and my work isn’t time specific. Feel grateful for that as it 's meant I can keep earning but not feel pressured.
I am married and have 2 boys - 1 at uni, 1 doing A levels. All three of them are really supportive and understanding that I need to ‘do grief’ at my own pace. I really am very fortunate with this. I have a dog and walking him each day, even if it’s only a little 10 minute ‘trot round the block’ gets me outside which does help to recenter.
your tips here are really good and I will definitely take them on board - especially giving myself space for reflecting. Thank you so so much. I hope you are doing ok too? Claire xx