I am struggling after finding my dad dead in his flat. I had been at a wedding which lasted the full weekend, I am overwhelmed with guilt he had been dead for at least two days and I am having flash backs and can’t function properly
Try not to feel guilty . We all do but I found my husband and felt the same , if only I’d noticed , if only I had not slept in , ….
I am also haunted by finding him I have EMDR therapy this week. It’s supposed to help erase negative images so here’s hoping
Sending hugs xx
Karen I am so sorry to hear what’s happened to you. And you PollyJane. It must be such a terrible shock to find someone dead. I can’t imagine, it hasn’t happened to me. But the guilt bit I do know and we’re told it’s part of normal grieving. It’s got to be one of the hardest parts. I think we all have that feeling and keep thinking if only or what if. I feel responsible because I failed to notice how unwell my husband was. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up with my own stuff, I might have paid him more attention. And anger and disbelief. Why didn’t he complain more. He said he was feeling better. I think he just didn’t want to make a fuss and I should have picked it up. I think I’ll always feel guilty about this, but 3 months on I don’t torture myself as much or as often.
Thanks so much I think as I am a nurse as well I feel I have failed him he was quite unwell last year and had been doing so well. I feel disgusted with myself that I was too wrapped up in my own stuff and don’t know how I am going to try to process these feelings of guilt and shame when I found his body he had been dead for at least two days and I have been torturing myself
I am also a nurse. Makes it worse. I think I had my head In the sand. I didn’t want it to be anything serious. But I should have faced up to it and I might have saved him. This pain is my punishment. I deserve it.
You can’t torture yourself sometimes people hide things from their relatives as they don’t like hospitals or they put their head in the sand not you. I think as nurses we are torturing ourself as we want to do everything in our power however sometimes people present okay however would need to be psychic to be able to see what’s going on. We need to be kinder to ourselves I guess
@AngelinaH @Karensher I found my husband dead when I got home from work. My son had rang me and told me that dad had collapsed and time I got home he was gone. I started CPR on him as no ambulance service yet. He died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer which was in both kidneys and had burst through the lining of the kidney and sitting at the bottom of the blood vessels. He never knew he had cancer.
I know how you feel as didn’t notice that he had lost weight and was so ill. I got him down to the doctor’s but far too late. I was his wife for 25 years so why didn’t I notice that he was so ill. I also feel guilty and felt that I was wrapped up in my life. My husband said that he had back pain but we put it down to a previous fall he had 20 months previously which he smashed his elbow to pieces. He was sleeping more but thought he was down due to the fall. He was working up to the day before and getting up early at 6am. I wish I could of saved my husband and now feel like I am being punished for not being a good wife. Life is so unfair and cruel. X
I am an oncology nurse and sadly kidney cancer is not diagnosed until it’s really progressed my mother had kidney cancer also and within six weeks had passed away. I know your husbands death was traumatic and like me it’s so hard to process and we attach blame but likewise cancer can be such a painful death also and kidney cancer usually metastasis to the lungs. Please be kind to yourself and please a pulmonary embolism there is no way you could have ever been able to tell. I think what you keeed to take from this although traumatic at the time he did not suffer for long loosing himself with the illness please be kind to yourself and I am here if you ever need a chat. Take care of yourself sending love and positive thoughts
@Karensher thank you for your reply. I have private message you. Hope you don’t mind xx