This is my first post on here, I needed to find people that I can share my grief with that are going through a similar situation.
I only lost my Dad on Saturday so my feelings are so raw. Unfortunately I found him which was very traumatising. I can’t get the image out of my head and I’m really struggling. He was in a care home as he had dementia but was not too far gone, he was recuperating from a hip operation. He was actually coping so well so this is an utter shock. We still don’t know what happened and will have to wait for the post mortem.
I also lost my sister exactly two months to the day that my Dad died. That was also a sudden unexpected death.
I feel like a huge weight is on me and everyone is leaving me. I am so scared of someone else dying. It just feels too much at the moment.
I hope that I can connect with some of you to help me to cope
I’m part of the Online Community team, and I can see that you’re new to the community. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad and sister that brings you here.
It sounds like a huge amount to cope with the sudden loss of your dad and your sister just two months before. I can imagine that finding your dad must have been incredibly distressing, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with these memories and images alongside the shock of what has happened, and the uncertainty of waiting for the post mortem results.
The sudden death of someone close to you can often leave you with intense feelings to cope with as you grieve. You might also be coping with the trauma and shock of it, which can make it all the more difficult.
Many of our members have experienced a sudden death and will understand some of what you’re going through. You can read some recent conversations about this by clicking this link. You might find some comfort and support in knowing you are not alone.
Hi my dad died suddenly as well nearly 3 years ago it was a massive shock took alot of time to get my head round it even now it can sometimes feel surreal an like I’ve been hit in the stomach ITS very early days for you I was in a daze for weeks after just didn’t feel real in my experience time does help u get more used to it but it never stops you missing them it’s just incredibly hard to navigate through thru grief I’m really sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much Flowers1 and I am sorry for your loss too. You’re right about it feeling surreal. I keep forgetting for a moment and then the image of finding him will pop in to my head and I feel like I’ve been punched. I’m sure as you say with time it will feel less raw. I appreciate you taking the time to message me. I also wish you strength getting through your own grief.
So sorry to hear of your loss and it’s so recent and understandably raw for you, bless you. I can really sympathise in how your are feeling, honestly. I found my lovely mother suddenly deceased too, and it’s traumatised me. It’s caused me to dissociate to the point we’re I can’t grieve properly and I feel bewildered most of the time. Life isn’t the same anymore, is it. Thinking of you are this hard time. x
5 weeks into the sudden death of my dear mum from an undiagnosed ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm which they found in the post mortem… Raw, surreal, everthing you all have already said here. I also feel guilty that we thought her unspecific symptoms, back pain and some low blood pressure, were from her spinal diagnosis and the heat. She herself didn’t seem to have thought of anything more serious, I can only hope she didn’t, because she didn’t say anything.
Sorry for adding but this is the closest one I’ve found. I’m very sorry for your loss. My dad passed in January this year. Hed had breast cancer for 12 years, been in remission after 3 years but refused to stop smoking dude to the fact it wasn’t his lungs . In 2022 we found out he was ill again after a family trip to Disneyland Paris. He struggled to breath on the trip after short walks and a million steps but he forced himself to crack on for the grand kids regardless. When we arrived home my mother forced him to get checked out and we found out he was riddled with cancer. His lungs, bones, jaw and several other places. We were understandably gutted. He was 6ft 21st mountain of a man, an ex miner and the middle one of ten kids from the valleys that always sacrificed just so we had all they could give. We watched him waste away and eventually have to use a scooter to get about. We always made fun like we’d always had. I’m one of 2. My brother and I would make an effort to take him places and do things with the kids even taking him to Big pit. A mining museum which he loved. Showing the kids how he used to live and work. My son getting onto the navy was the proudest day of his life. As ill as he was I drove us 4 hours in traffic to my boys passing out parade. He balled as my boy marched in formation and eventually passed out. He hugged my boy so tight and it’s something my son and I will never forget. Fast forward to December last year he came out with the family in the rain to see a light show in a park in Cardiff. We knew it was rubbish weather but he refused to not go and miss it. We had a fantastic time and he loved every second although he was soaked through. Dad felt ill but Christmas was a dream. My son came home on leave unexpectedly and I asked my dad to come with me to where he lives with his mum (separated) to celebrate his 18th birthday and have his first legal beer . I’ve never seen a man so proud and he thanked me quietly as dad’s don’t often do. We saw him over new years and he wasn’t great but didn’t let is see or tell us too much. His birthday was on the 5th of Jan and my mum rang us in the morning to tell us that the doctor had been and we needed to come now. My brother and I attended and he was being cared for by the palliative care team. We knew it wasn’t good. I got to briefly talk to him as most of his brothers and sisters came. My mum told me brother and I that they’d discussed a DNR. Took us for a loop but he’d fought so hard that we understood. He was in a terrible state. After everyone had left my mum asked my brother and I to leave too but despite our best efforts to stay we couldn’t go against what she wanted. As we left we went to go upto see him but got stopped as my mum said he was asleep due to the medication. I didn’t think he’d go so left. He passed at 3am the day after his 66th birthday in bed with my mum holding his hand. Can’t think of any other way he’d want to go. I arrived shortly after the call around half 3. I’m the oldest brother and my mum and brother were a mess. I called the undertaker and stayed while they came. I watched my mum and brother break apart as I held them as they took him away and stayed, staring at the TV, numb as my mother slept from absolute exhaustion after my brother left crying his eyes out. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye or tell him we’d be ok. We’d spoken before about when he goes but I can’t get over not holding his hand and reassuring him. I know he knew. I’m a strong man because of him. I’ve worked hard for a career and family that he knew. Just can’t get over walking out the door and that being it. Crying writing this and sure it won’t get read but thank you if it does and you have. Definitely needed it. I miss him immensely.
Hello there I’m so sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounds and looks like such a great guy. It’s still so recent for you and it sounds like you went through a lot. If you want message again I’m happy to chat x
Hi Kate80 I’m thank you and I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. It is traumatising the image is haunting me I just want it out of my head. If you want to chat more I’d be more than happy to xx
Hi daughter7 I’m so sorry for your loss. 5 weeks is so recent you must still pretty raw. Feelings of guilt are natural after the initial shock that’s all I was feeling. I went through a list of things I thought o could have done to be a better daughter. Please reach out to me if you want to chat more xx
I feel your pain. I too found my dad. He passed away in march. I can’t really cope. I carry a lot of guilt. I think everyone around me thinks I am ok as I try to carry on as normal. I go to work, take care of my mum and I go about my normal day to day things. Sometimes things just get too much. If you need to chat. I am here to listen.
. In 2022 we found out he was ill again after a family trip to Disneyland Paris. He struggled to breath on the trip after short walks and a million steps but he forced himself to crack on for the grand kids regardless. When we arrived home my mother forced him to get checked out and we found out he was riddled with cancer. His lungs, bones, jaw and several other places. We were understandably gutted. He was 6ft 21st mountain of a man, an ex miner and the middle one of ten kids from the valleys that always sacrificed just so we had all they could give. We watched him waste away and eventually have to use a scooter to get about. We always made fun like we’d always had. I’m one of 2. My brother and I would make an effort to take him places and do things with the kids even taking him to Big pit. A mining museum which he loved. Showing the kids how he used to live and work. My son getting onto the navy was the proudest day of his life. As ill as he was I drove us 4 hours in traffic to my boys passing out parade. He balled as my boy marched in formation and eventually passed out. He hugged my boy so tight and it’s something my son and I will never forget. Fast forward to December last year he came out with the family in the rain to see a light show in a park in Cardiff. We knew it was rubbish weather but he refused to not go and miss it. We had a fantastic time and he loved every second although he was soaked through. Dad felt ill but Christmas was a dream. My son came home on leave unexpectedly and I asked my dad to come with me to where he lives with his mum (separated) to celebrate his 18th birthday and have his first legal beer 
. I’ve never seen a man so proud and he thanked me quietly as dad’s don’t often do. We saw him over new years and he wasn’t great but didn’t let is see or tell us too much. His birthday was on the 5th of Jan and my mum rang us in the morning to tell us that the doctor had been and we needed to come now. My brother and I attended and he was being cared for by the palliative care team. We knew it wasn’t good. I got to briefly talk to him as most of his brothers and sisters came. My mum told me brother and I that they’d discussed a DNR. Took us for a loop but he’d fought so hard that we understood. He was in a terrible state. After everyone had left my mum asked my brother and I to leave too but despite our best efforts to stay we couldn’t go against what she wanted. As we left we went to go upto see him but got stopped as my mum said he was asleep due to the medication. I didn’t think he’d go so left. He passed at 3am the day after his 66th birthday in bed with my mum holding his hand. Can’t think of any other way he’d want to go. I arrived shortly after the call around half 3. I’m the oldest brother and my mum and brother were a mess. I called the undertaker and stayed while they came. I watched my mum and brother break apart as I held them as they took him away and stayed, staring at the TV, numb as my mother slept from absolute exhaustion after my brother left crying his eyes out. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye or tell him we’d be ok. We’d spoken before about when he goes but I can’t get over not holding his hand and reassuring him. I know he knew. I’m a strong man because of him. I’ve worked hard for a career and family that he knew. Just can’t get over walking out the door and that being it. Crying writing this and sure it won’t get read but thank you if it does and you have. Definitely needed it. I miss him immensely.
