My husband died nearly two years ago now and when people say it will get easier I am finding it harder and harder. I hate the evenings which used to be our time to chat about our day, the good bits and the bad bits! Even now, when I walk into the room I expect to see him sitting in his chair, watching telly. I even got rid of his chair in the hope that would help but it hasn’t. Two weeks before he died my daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her treatment was horrible and she ended up having sepsis where we nearly lost her. I missed his support for me during that time, which sounds really selfish but I had to be strong for my daughter and had to do it alone. Her cancer was genetic and on Friday I have to go for the results of my testing to see if I carry the genes that caused her cancer. I am desperately hoping that I don’t as I will blame myself for what she went through. Just think my grief will get worse if my tests are positive. Feeling really sorry for myself at the moment and can’t shake off my grief.
Hello Lbase60
I’m so sorry to hear all you are going through. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care, Rhi
Hi @Lbase60
It sounds like you have had a really tough time and I’m so sorry that you lost you husband and have had to support your daughter alone in such terrible circumstances.
How is your daughter now ?
Please don blame yourself regarding the genetic testing. It isn’t your fault and you definitely haven’t given her cancer.
Cancer just jumps in a destroys lives randomly. Trying to make sense of why and who and how I find is a dangerous task. Both my husband and his brother have died from cancer aged 52 and 56. Both healthy, non smokers, good diets, regular exercisers - no family history.
It makes no sense to me but I know if I try to figure it all out then I’ll end up down a rabbit hole I can’t get out of.
Do your children and grandchildren live locally? Do you have some hobbies and people around to support you? Have you had some counselling or is there a support group you could go to locally ?
2 years isn’t really long to have lost him. I know the pain and loneliness must be overwhelming at times so keep reaching out here - there is always support and kindness from people who really understand.
Be kind to yourself today. Do you have someone to support you tomorrow ?
Sorry I’m asking loads of questions …
Sending lots of love and strength xx
Hi roni52, Thank you so much for replying. My daughter is very good now thank you, she has a nice part time job as a phlebotomist at her local surgery and is very settled and living life to the full. All my family are local to me and I see them quite regularly. But I don’t like bothering them with my problems, have always found it very hard to ask for help! I don’t like to upset them and stubbornly believe I can deal with things myself, which obviously I can’t. Talking on here helps tremendously as I feel it’s sometimes easier talking to strangers. I have had counselling but don’t really think it helped me deep down. I know I shouldn’t blame myself if I do carry the gene because there’s nothing I could have done to prevent it but still at the back of my mind is that awful feeling of guilt! I’m going on my own tomorrow as I haven’t told them that I get the results. I’m trying to find some local clubs to join but living in a small village there’s not much about and I also have an anxiety problem about walking into a room full of strangers. I need to pull myself together and try and get out and meet new people! I will get there in the end, hopefully 
Your husband and brother were very young to lose their lives to the awful cancer but they also say the best ones go first. So good of you to use your time to reply to me. Thank you 
Yes it is hard to ask for help isn’t it. Although I find that I don’t know what I want people to help with - there isn’t anything they can say that will make me feel better and I just get irritable a lot as they really don’t understand.
Perhaps that’s why it’s easier to chat here where folks get your pain and sadness.
Would you be happy to share what the result is tomorrow. You are very brave going by yourself but could you plan something for after in case it’s not the answer you are wanting.
My dad died of breast cancer and my sister had it in her early 40s and they offered me/us genetic testing. But my mum and sister didn’t want to know ( my family are avoiders ) so I couldn’t go any further with it. I’m not sure if I would have wanted to know or not.
Take it easy today and tomorrow.
Sending lots of love and strength xx
I will be happy to share results with you, good or bad! Just off out to see the only friend who has stood by me out of my work colleagues! I worked with some of them for 26 years and they have just deserted me. Nic kept in touch and she now has a beautiful baby boy so will go and get my much needed love and cuddles.
Have a good day, there are some between the sorrow xx
Some good news at last! I don’t carry the genes that my daughter had which caused her cancer. The relief is immense! Have to contact my husbands brothers now to ask them to have the blood test. Thanks for your concern, it meant a lot to me x
Oh that’s such good news - I am delighted and relieved for you.
Although we have no way to control these things.
It’s amazing that you did all that on your own. Your husband would be proud of you.
Hope you have as good a weekend as you can.
I’m meeting one of my husbands friends tomorrow morning for a walk. I have been avoiding him as I just haven’t be able to face seeing him. He means well but he really doesn’t understand, even though he has lost both parents and his brother.
I will need to see how honest I will be with him about how terrible this life really is.
I’ve decided to try and talk less about it as I think it frightens people. I need to try and find a way to manage all these emotions myself but as someone who shared everything with my husband and he was my rock I’m not sure how I will manage.
Sending love and strength to you xxx
I regularly meet up with my husbands best friend and sometimes find it quite a comfort to talk to him about Pete. They worked together for many years and he has lots of funny stories to tell me about their time together. I somehow find it quite a comfort to know that he knew him so well. Don’t stop yourself talking about your husband, he is still a big part of your life. Enjoy your walk and your weekend xx