Finding out about betrayal after that person dies.

I dated a man for almost three years. We were a perfect match. Same views, opinions, likes dislikes. We quickly became a couple, traveling, discussing moving in together. Going to the mountains hiking with my dog. We were never to manage moving in together because he passed. He would sometimes be at my house for 4-5 days but have to go home because he had cats. He owned his own business so he had a lot of freedom with coming and going. He messaged me every morning, afternoon and night when we weren’t together. We would talk multiple times a day making weekend plans. He loved loved guitar and was always striving to be better and song write., that was his dream. He was the most supportive man I have ever been with, anything I wanted to do he was like “YES, ok”. I mean I could go on and on. After he passed I found multiple lyrical poems he had written about me and how I had saved his life, he had been a functioning alcoholic until shortly before his death, he had been sober 87 days when he died. He spoke of me and to me as if I hung the sun and moon. Did domestic things around my house, planning to move in at some point. OK So I started experiencing some depression that has been a part of my life forever. I did not notice it happening and became withdrawn, wanted to be alone so I told him I needed some time. He was distraught, said we were supposed to help each other, but I insisted. He continued to call and message some. Early on in the break-up I need that was not what I wanted, being angry he accused me of cheating which he took back later. So on March 13 he passed. I was inconsolable, just knew the anxiety from me breaking up with him had caused his heart attack. I was looking through his phone, just looking for messages to and from his friends. Some way to make him still alive, when I found…yep relationship, online, with someone he had met about the same time he and I met. I am going to tell you that was one raunchy relationship.
Her birthday wasn’t until November and he told her he had bought her birthday present just days before my birthday…he bought us the same thing. He went for a bit and didn’t contact her, maybe two weeks, when she, out of the blue contacted him and mentioned “really needing a back rub” his response was “OK, NOW I AM CONFUSED” Every time he sent a video he would ask her if she wanted him to stop. She would just laugh and say, you are a perv and they would laugh. Never did she say yes. Early in our relationship, maybe the first year, he offered to blow me off because she wanted to hang out. This relationship went on the entire mine and his did. I mean the entire time. They never messaged when he was with me. I know he loved me from his actions and the poems he wrote about me. He never did this with his other serious relationships, but he lived with them. I know if he were living and I found out I would definitely break-up, but all I am left with total betrayal, and I either have to put that relationship in a box and take with me the wonderful relationship we had or take the online relationship with me and just be angry and hurt. I an seeing a therapist but I wanted to lay out the long and drawn out story (i left so much out). I want the opinion of people who don’t know me with a total fresh eye. I did leave out so much of what he and I did together and the things we did for each other. But I am loosing my mind.

What a piece of work he was! So, you never went to his house? He was keeping you at a distance from his other life? I’m truly sorry to read your story, you must be feeling torn in many different directions, I’m not surprised you feel that you’re losing your mind.
Seems he was a conman who had you fooled. Yes, he probably did love you very much but obviously needed more than that in his life. Shame he kept all that stuff in his phone instead of deleting it, but then you would be none the wiser. Would you have preferred not knowing? It’s a difficult dilemma.
I hope you can find some sort of peace with the therapy.

Oh yes. We went to each other’s houses We would spend 4-5 days together. But he had cats and I have dogs so either of us would have to get home he eventually started always coming to my house. He wanted to get married I know if he were alive I might never have found out

It must be so horrible to find this out now. I have some insight how you must be feeling. As i was with my husband for 13 years but only got married in December 2023. He passed away suddenly 14th April 2024, at a house he was sorting out for a relative. I later got his phone back 2 weeks after his death and found a message to a woman dating back to December 2022. It was only one message but it still changed how i viewed our relationship. I felt angry, disappointed in him and worse all i couldn’t ask him why ? That is something i will never get the answer too.


I am so sorry. Bill and I had not gotten around to getting married, you think you have all the time in the world…BUT, if he were still living would I ever know, would this have gone on until she found someone and SHE stopped it??? You are right, I think what hurts the most is that I can’t break up with him, or scream at him or demand an explanation or make him face me knowing that I know.