Finding out about lies and deceit

How do you cope when someone you loved and cared for dies suddenly. Then you find out the past 13 years you were with him and got married last year. Were all based on lies. I found out he had cheated on me 6 years ago after a row we had. It went on for about 2 months. Buying expensive jewellery and flowers . How could he and then lie to me. Then years later ask me to marry me . When all aling he had a secret ! Not to mention the other lies. It just goes on and on, finding out more lies. How am i suppose to deal with all this grief and the betrayal? Just dont know who he was! I trusted him and i thought he would be the last person to do that. Hjust shows how wrong, i was :face_exhaling: :broken_heart:

I honestly don’t know how your suppose to feel? I can only answer to betrayal from my late husbands grown up kids, they all were not in his life very much at all, even denied him his Grand Children he never saw. They asked my for recent pictures of him , shame they didn’t make any memories so they had pictures, so I sent some lovely photo’s of him,I thought I was showing him " happy" but what they were looking at was his Ray ban glasses, his designer clothes, and his watch, and they have asked me for the lot! I feel “Betrayed” by them , I really don’t know how I would feel ,about your husbands betrayal ? maybe just concentrate on the " grief" as if you hadn’t found out about the other stuff, he is not around now to explain what happened , and you did start of by saying "Someone you Loved and cared for " concentrate on that sentence, and why you loved and cared for him x

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Jane15 don’t let them have anything i still have all of my late wife’s clothes and other items after 20 months and that’s where they will stay all the best to you stay strong

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It’s very hard and shocking finding out stuff in this way and it’s doubly hard trying to work out how to grieve for the man you loved without all this knowledge getting in the way. My Phil has been gone four months today and whilst I will never forget the secrets he kept they have lessened in importance as time passes. I hope you find a way to get past it and find some peace. Look after yourself.

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I feel the same , the lies and deceit have taken over my grief. To the point i dont know how I’m suppose to feel when you find out things that you was kept from you. I have been bereaved less than 2 months. But the overwhelming lies have made me feel like in declining into the abyss. :face_exhaling: :hugs:

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Overwhelming is the right word for the terrible position you’re in. I’m trying to be an independent person having hopefully now discovered all that there is to know and having taken great pleasure in shredding and throwing out anything to do with those secrets in the first weeks. Trying to work out how to grieve was harder. At first I didn’t want to grieve for him as it hurt so much but he had suffered a great deal with his illness and I cared for him as I would for any other human being for the last few weeks as secrets were uncovered concentrating on that rather than what had come to light, After he passed I was numb for a few weeks until the betrayal lessened and I had other things to concentrate on. Now I feel very sad that he has gone and I miss him a great deal. In my way I’m grieving for him now. I choose not to rake over the betrayal as it doesn’t make anything better but I do hate that it explains how he drifted away from me over the years and not knowing the cause I didn’t have chance to fight for him back. I hope you find an inner strength and a path through that works for you.

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Hey, I’m not sure if you or any of us would
Cope , what a shock for you ! And to not be able to confront him and ask him many unanswered questions no doubt must be really hard ,men are so stupid sometimes , I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it’s been for you to cope with loss and then secrets … the love you had was real , he chose you ! He married you ! Try and remember your husband and how you were together, the love you shared , put the secrets in a little box in your mind and focus on you moving forward , as no matter how hard we try we cannot change one thing that’s happened no ask one more question , you will make yourself ill , get angry , shout at ‘him’ let all that out , then remember he married you ! He knew no one could come close
To the love you shared , stay strong love

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Thank you for your kindness and words of wisdom. Its just so very hard to deal with. My heart aches and the disappointment and anger i have. It’s so overwhelming, i feel like im drowning in it all :hugs:

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