Finding stuff on his phone after he died

I wondered if anyone else had been through anything like this. He died suddenly around 3 months ago. We had been bickering throughout lockdown and he had health problems and I sometimes felt more like his carer than his wife and I think it pushed us apart a bit. But I still loved him.

I wish I’d just wiped his phone and spared myself any hurt but his kids wanted photos off his phone - I found messages to a women, someone he told me that he had been chatting to “she’s a nurse” used to work at his place, about his health problems etc - but I found a message and reading some stuff it was too familiar and a bit close to the bone. She said they’d met on a “swingers” site but only ever chatted and never met, she promised me this as she knew he’d passed away. Tried to say it was escapism sort of thing.

I just don’t know what to think, probably no one has been through this but if the hurt of him passing wasn’t enough now my head is all over the place with this. Do I try and out it out of my mind and try snd forgive him or? ………………

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I’m so sorry for your loss
I can’t relate to your problem as my partner and I we’re inseparable and loved each other unconditionally and we told each other all day every day .
I think with your situation you don’t really know if he was doing anything or not and things like that don’t matter in the scheme of things he was your husband and you loved each other if it were me I’d put it out of my head you have enough to deal with now . Otherwise the time you spent with him would have all been for nothing .
Take care hugs to you

Yeah I see where you’re coming from, we did everything together and went everywhere together. I think lockdown didn’t help things and we were just mulling along but there was nothing to say about this.

He was stuck at home cos of illness and furloughed from work for over a year, I was at work all the time. Was he lonely, did I not give him enough attention as I was shattered from working through the pandemic, I don’t know.

I want to try and out it out of my mind, I did/do love him and we did some wonderful things together but it feels now this has marred everything and part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and die (not literally).

The fact he told me he was speaking/ texting her as a friend but not about going that bit too far? He never went out of the house as he was scared about Covid and he was unwell so I just don’t know what to think. I have signed up for counselling and am on the waiting list but probably a long wait.

Thanks for listening x

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Please don’t blame yourself and regret things you did or didn’t do we do the best we can at the time and that’s all we can do

. It really sounds to me like he was just texting as an escape from the world of illness and damn Covid like that woman said . You shouldn’t let it spoil all your memories and life you had together .

I’m sure the waiting list fir counselling is long there are so many on here alone and this is only one site. I decided not to go down the counselling route I really don’t think that would help me .

Others on here might have another perspective for you . I know what you mean about curling up in a ball I feel like that all the time .
You take care sending hugs


Hey SR, it was unfortunate you found that on his phone because as a human race we’re so inquisitive and the fact you can’t ask him will drive your mind crazy. It is sad you felt more of a carer then a wife no-one ever wants that as strain does generally take place, but you loved each other, you know how you felt about him and how you feel now he’s gone.
Don’t beat yourself up with the not knowing it’s hard enough to fight the grief you don’t need your brain struggling with messages and stuff you can’t ever put your mind to rest over.
Just concentrate on the love you had and do the best you can to get through this shit time in your life.

Just remember one way or another we’re all going through the same pain we might have different stories but the void in our hearts where our loved ones used to reside is still the same, good luck with your counsilling, but personally I believe these rooms and people are far better then any professionals but that’s just my opinion.

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Hi SR1010,

When my dad died suddenly 22 years ago, a woman turned up at his funeral claiming to have been having an affair with him for the last year of his life. It ruined my mums ability to grieve for her husband and she spent the next few years hating him even though she would never be able to hear his side of the story. Eventually my mum lost the hate that she felt and began to grieve. We agreed together that we would never know the ‘truth’ and that she shouldn’t let it affect the otherwise 30 happy years of marriage they shared.
My mum died suddenly 2 years ago but in her last year she talked non stop of how much she loved my dad and had forgiven him.
Dont let this affect your memories- you will never know what really happened so just forget about it and remember the love you shared.

Cheryl x


I know what you mean but how do I forget it? It’s all that seems to come into my mind at the minute, by the look of the messages it probably sounds like he was frustrated and to be fair our sex life was pretty non existent because of his weight and health problems, his doctor even prescribed him viagra but he was too scared to take it.

I know I can’t do anything about it now but it doesn’t seem that easy to put it out of my mind. Was he bored, was it just fantasy, I just don’t know and I’ll never get the answer. He never went out of the house so nothing physical happened but it’s just the thought. It’s stopping me grieving properly for him I think.

It’s got me to the point where I’ve even thought if I wasn’t here anymore there would be no more hurt but I know that’s stupid and wouldn’t help anything - thanks for listening x

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I understand…I watched my mum. I think in time you will realise it wasnt important but I wanted to let you know that similar happened to my family.
Take care x

Thank you I appreciate you messaging - my head is just muddled at the minute.

Best wishes

Have cancelled his phone contract as no point having it anymore and paying for nothing, and will stop any messages coming though in another respect although I don’t think there would be any more now.

Just trying to get a bit more closure / doesn’t do me any good being stuck in the house brooding as well!


try and forget it happened…

Thanks for your replies, I had a message on here from someone who gave me a different perspective on the matter which has helped a little, sort of to see it from the other side and a different view on it, which is helping a little so thank you for that.

Had a better nights sleep last night, not thought about it so much abs trying to put it out of my mind if I can. The grief is bad enough without everything else.

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SR, glad you managed some sleep and thought about it a little less, gives you more time to focus on actually grieving… One day at a time… You take care and remember we’re all here in this together and for each other

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I know the exact feeling, my boyfriend got killed in March and when he died a girl made a go fund me for his funeral was claiming to be his girlfriend, even though everyone knew we was together she started posting photos and videos of them together. It’s the worst feeling but for me because he’s not here anymore I try to forget about it and remember that his family knew me, everyone knew about me and remembering the memories

you have done the right thing Tay…its a horrible thing to go through but dont let it define your relationship

Literally I’m 17 and he’s 18 so even for my age I couldn’t handle all of it at once so I just decided to forget about it because getting angry over it wasn’t gonna bring him back neither was it gonna send him off with positivity

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My perspective is a bit different from most here
I think first you should @wrye “ to him / talk to him and say how disappointed and hurt you are - and you can say how betrayed you feel etc etc - only once your anger has dissipated you can remember the good times
What the woman says or don’t say is neither here or there - she is irrelevant to you

Also once the anger passes you accept that he wasn’t a perfect man as you also have your short comings and after while you will find peace

I am so sorry you had to find out things you wished you hadn’t know - I am not speaking from experience

Sadie xx

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