Hi, I’m new to this group and have very recently (in the last week) lost my grandad after battling Alzheimer’s, Vascular Dementia and Parkinson’s for 2 years.
My grandad’s wife passed away before I was born and I haven’t experienced the loss of anyone close to me before so this is all very new. My family are coping in different ways but my mum and Aunt are mainly focused on the practicalities of funeral arrangements and everyone else is just back to work and distracting themselves.
I don’t feel like I can do that. I feel like I need time with my mum and family who knew my grandad well to just sit quietly and process, talk about him, tell stories and just be quiet together. But since he died it’s just been a flurry of “let’s get on with it for now”. I went to therapy and had some support in learning how to express my needs to my mum but she wasn’t very receptive to it, and made me feel guilty for asking to come back home and be with her, or for asking to spend more time with her.
I also really want to go and see my grandad’s body. I wanted to go when he died but ended up driving with my fiancé to go and pick up my younger brother and bring him home and by then the funeral directors had taken his body. I’ve asked again to see him but my mum is trying to dissuade me, telling me her and my aunt regretted seeing their mum’s body (a tragic and sudden death) and she doesn’t want me to regret it like they do. I feel very strongly that I need to see him, hold his hand one more time and pray with him before he is cremated in a few weeks but I don’t know how to do this well, especially when my family are so opposed to it.
I am just in so much pain and feel so alone in my grief. My fiancé only knew my grandad in his very debilitated state and while he has been so so supportive and kind, I wish I had the support and help from my family who new my grandad before he developed this evil illness.
I guess my question is, how do I kindly and gently reiterate my needs (spending some time with my family and seeing my grandad’s body) without causing arguments and more pain? And also, what’s it like seeing a body after the person has died? He looked very ill in the last few months so I don’t think he will look particularly different. But did you regret seeing a loved one’s body? Or not seeing them? Can you have closure without seeing their body?
Thank you x
I’m very sorry to hear about your grandad, @Alf. Thank you for reaching out. I’m just giving your thread a gentle bump - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts.
I’m sorry about your loss Alf, grief is such a heart wrenching and agonising experience.
I also lost my grandad - it was just under six months ago. He passed very suddenly and traumatically from Cardiac arrest in an airport. And to be honest the day he died was the day I died with him - any semblance of the person I was.
Similarly the reactions in my family have been very mixed as we all experience grief differently. But six of us went to see him the day after he passed - I will warn you. It does feel like your heart is being stamped on repeatedly. It’s like a confirmation that they’re dead and never coming back.
And for many it’s the last image they have of their loved one. Or the one they remember most which many struggle with. I personally was glad I went and saw him. I held his hand and kissed his cheek and told him when I pass I’ll see him again and we can all be together for eternity.
My mum saw him the day after he died and also saw him a month later - she said he had changed in that month. I think the first time she didn’t regret because of closure and the shock of it all. The second time I think the grief and horror of it all was sinking in. But I don’t believe she regretted it.
It’s all up to you. I know, that maybe doesn’t help much. But I think it’s up to you whether you think this is something you would like for closure. And whether you would be okay maybe having the image of your grandad in your head.