First Birthday and Father’s day without my dad

Losing a parent
#1

it’s me again.
Every time i write on here i feel a little weird about it.
But ig sharing my emotions with strangers who might be going through the same thing as me makes me feel a little less alone.

I lost my dad a little over 3 months ago.
I turned 20 today and today is also father’s day.
It’s my first birthday and also the first father’s day i spent without my dad.
I found it so weird that these two special “events“ happened to be on the same day just soon after his death.
It honestly felt like the universe hated me for some reason as if it had a hit out on me.
I just wanted to get this day over with.
I didn’t want anyone to congratulate me or even acknowledge it.
It was especially hard for me today. A little embarrassing saying this but i couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop thinking.
So naturally i didn’t want anyone to see me like this.
But of course turning 20 is a big deal to family and friends and they were all here for me.
They acknowledged how i didn’t want to do anything big today and we had a good time.
Even though they made me extremely happy i just couldn’t really, stop feeling shitty? I had this melancholic feeling still lingering around. Though I am immensely grateful and i appreciate everything they did for me.

I just imagined how different it would’ve been if he was still here. How different everything would be.
It’s was weird not hearing his voice on a day like this. Weird not hearing him say happy birthday.
Heartbreaking not being able to hug him.
It seriously showed me, that he won’t be here for real.
I honestly don’t know what i was thinking all this time, as if he was magically gonna come back one day…
I really realized once again, that he’s gone for good. Each time i forget i’m reminded again that he won’t be here anymore. He’s gone…
I feel so shitty about everything that’s been happening lately and i just don’t know what to do or how to feel okay.
I dreaded this day for the past few weeks.
I miss him so deeply.
I miss him everyday.

Idk what the message of this long paragraph is, it doesn’t really have a message…
I just think the universe brought these two days together to fuck with me.

Thanks for reading…

3 Likes
#2

Father’s Day in the UK is 18th June. I’m sorry to say you still have that to come, unless you live somewhere where Fathers Day wa yesterday. I’m puzzled. I’m glad though, that your family together with you managed to make it the birthday you wanted without too much fuss. There are so many firsts to be simply got through. The day before yesterday was my husband’s birthday and I cried all day. My birthday comes 3 days before Father’s Day. Last year’s, unusually, we went out with my daughter for afternoon tea in a lovely little café. We took photos at an outside table in the sunshine. How things change.

#3

Hi Sananeaq,

It’s good to see your post, I wondered how you were getting on.

Having your birthday and Father’s day on the same day must have been really tough! Crying is a natural reaction as you love your dad so much and he wasn’t able to physically be with you on these special occasions which leaves a huge void. Its nice that your family and friends were there for you and you had a good time.

Three months is still very recent and despite being able to feel happiness there is always the feeling that our dad’s are missing.

My brother and nephew are visiting at the moment and although I’ve had a lovely couple of days I have missed my Dad so much and felt upset at times.

It has now been six months since I lost my Dad and I think the finality of it all is setting in. My approach to this is to keep trying to move forwards like my Dad said. I don’t feel ok, but some days feel better than others and I hope as time moves on there will be more days that feel ‘ok’.

We have father’s day coming up in June in the UK and the thought of it makes me feel very uneasy. I will remember my Dad and try to celebrate him somehow.

I think your Dad would be incredibly proud of you for getting through your birthday and Father’s day and spending time with your family.

Xxx