First birthday without him

It’ll be my brother’s 30th birthday in a few days. His first birthday since he passed. I don’t know how to feel, react or what to do. I feel terrible that I just want his birthday to be over and done with. Then in 3 weeks time it will be one year. Even after this time I still don’t think I’ve accepted that he’s gone. I don’t think I have the strength to confront any of it.

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Hi Clare, I am sorry you are facing this difficult juncture in your grief journey. My Sister’s birthday came 2days after she died. I had her card and gifts and we had plans to celebrate together, as we always did every year. I was still reeling in shock, having watched her suddenly slip away in front of me. On her first birthday, I decided to gather friends & family, and we had the cake I bought, we blew out candles, all said we loved her, placed the cards all around, and watched a DVD of a Christmas from when my beloved sister was vibrant, happy and well. That night we sensed her presence. It was something I felt I had to do, because it was so soon after she died, and I did not want her birthday to go by without acknowledging her beautiful life, Perhaps my way of not accepting that she was really gone.
From now on every year on her birthday, I will blow out candles and send a wish up to her, even if I have to do it alone,
Of course, my way of coping with that day may not be yours. We are all different. I do relate to the birthday, and the anniversary of the death coming so close in proximity (for me it will always be a matter of 2 days)
What ever you decide to do (or not do) it must feel right for you. I lost my Sister two yrs. ago, and I still find myself thinking she will be back, It is understandable that we would resist accepting the “unacceptable,” Do not pressure yourself, there is no right or wrong way to get through this, I wish you hope and strength.
Take care. I (and many others) will be here to support you during the painful days ahead,

Hi. Clare. Oh yes you have!! We all have same amount of courage. It’s not given to just a few. It’s not wrong to feel as you do. Grief takes so many different forms and we are all individuals and respond in our own way. Of course you want his birthday to be over and done with. It’s painful and who want’s pain. Not accepting is denial. After one year is it surprising?
I suggest we all feel that way at first. It’s just not possible that they are gone, so we tend to deny in our minds it’s happened.
You will gradually begin to accept that it’s true and it has happened. The pain will still be there, but as more time passes you may begin to have happier memories. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

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