Tomorrow would have been my husbands 57th birthday. It will be exactly 4 months since he passed.
Me and my 4 kids are heading up north to the house we bought in December, before he got sick.
One daughter wants to make us all a big cooked breakfast, one is buying a cake, we all plan to go for a walk up a mountain.
I am sure we will all cry and feel awful but hopefully we can remember some of the good times also.
I’ve had a really difficult few weeks where the pain and sadness have just felt relentless. As well as the struggle of trying to manage my own grief, my kids have all had mini-melt downs one after the other, and there have been many sleepless nights with me just being there for them as they sobbed. My heart breaks for them and my husband, as well as for myself.
This week I have found a bit more strength to cope and don’t feel as bad as I have been feeling recently . I hope I feel that way tomorrow so I can be there for my kids as their mum, as this is where I am needed most at the moment.
But I really have no idea how any of us will feel and cope with the day.
Normally we would be away on holiday somewhere for my husbands birthday - last year we had a lovely time in Spain and he always wanted a BBQ and a beer for his dinner.
We might not manage the BBQ but we will raise a glass to him and send him our love.
I’m not sure why I wanted or needed to post this on here - I think I worry that others will forget his birthday and I want to make sure that somewhere it is recognised.
We had no idea last year that this would be where we are now - life can be so cruel, but when I look at my kids and I think of the love that we shared for over 33 years I know deep down that I was, and still am, blessed.
Be at peace my love. You will forever be in our hearts. Always….
Oh it is awful for us all, I do think your day of remembrance for your husbands birthday will be a mix of sadness and fond memories, some tears and some smiles. It all helps us to come to terms with our loss and slowly build our new lives around that hard ball of grief inside us. Sending you and your family lots of love and hugs.
Sending you and your family hugs and best wishes for tomorrow.
@roni52 Sounds like you have a great day planned, I hope you all manage to get some enjoyment tomorrow. You should be proud of yourself for keeping your family together through this difficult time.
Thanks for the support - as always it helps to know you aren’t alone in feeling this way.
My husbands birthday was, like other celebratory days we’ve had, not as bad as I thought. We had a big brunch, walked up what ended up being a Monroe, ( so was harder than we thought but amazing at the top) and had candles and cake for him alongside many tears and some laughter.
What I seem to find though is the aftermath of these days is so very much worse.
The last 2 days have just been so much harder to get through and today we were meant to meet up with my husbands dad and sister and I’ve had to call off as I just am struggling to stop crying.
It feels like every step forward you take - like getting through a really difficult day- is then followed by being dropped back down in what I would describe as the pit of hell.
Does anyone else find this ?
There are so many special days to get through in a year I wonder how I can ever move forward if I’m back to the beginning after each one.
This happens to me when i go out for the day, example we went to Armed Forces Day and had a nice day, the next day I had a terrible day.
We went for a day out at a local market town where me and David used to go the next day I had a terrible day etc etc.
I think it is because it brings it home to us that we are without them, yes the days out were pleasant and enjoyable but deep down we really want to do these days out with our darling partners. So very sad 
That makes perfect sense @penny6
Life is just so difficult now isn’t it - I try do all the right things yet nothing makes it any easier.
I wonder if I should just stay in bed all day - but then who would look after my dog and kids. Just feels so lonely without him and struggling to see how the future can get any better at the moment.
Sorry - having a down week I suppose …
I am sad and extra down today as I sold David’s car yesterday another thing gone, but it was no good having it sitting there unused and also seeing it everyday was hard.
That’s tough for you today. I also find it so sad when I have to get rid of things that were his but I don’t need or can’t use anymore.
I haven’t done much clearing out but will need to eventually I suppose. Makes it so real though and not sure I like that at all.
Sending a big hug for you today. 
xx