First Christmas Alone

I am facing my first Christmas alone following the death of my partner last January 2021 at 56. We’d been together 33 years which for anyone let alone two gay blokes is a vast amount of time. In Lockdown he was shielding as he was deemed clinically vulnerable but it wasn’t Covid-19 that killed him and I was allowed to stay with him until he died in my arms which I feel privileged about and grateful for after knowing so many many people weren’t given that opportunity over the past couple of years.
I’ve chosen to spend it alone despite invites to stay with some very good friends. I hope I’ve made the right choice. I just felt I wanted to reflect and be able to cry etc if I needed to. And should I wish to curl up under the duvet at 7pm on Christmas Night, then nothing’s stopping me. Not really seeing much of any kind of future at the moment, like so many on here. Something of me died the day he did. I just hope wherever everyone is spending their first Christmas that it’s filled with good memories of their loved ones.


Sorry for your loss,my husband passed away 12weeks ago, tonight I decided to stay in on my own like you said I just want to think of him,when I get upset it doesn’t hurt anyone else I will go to my daughters tomorrow and my son and family will be there,I have to try and find a way not to keep crying,they are grieving to
I to don’t see much of a future we were together 51yrs this us the first time I’ve been on my own
I hope you do get to spend time with friends

Take care

Christine x

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Thanks Christine. I hope you enjoy your visit to your daughter’s tomorrow. I also hope that in time it gets more bearable to manage. Christmas was always going to be like this I guess but just trying to get through it one day at a time. Johnny

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Sorry for you loss
My partner Paul passed away a week ago (19th December) after 20 years together. Like yourself this is a milestone for a gay couple. I am really struggling at the minute. I am finding it hard cos everyone is gearing up for Christmas and I want is the love of my life back. He was my world and I am trying to find comfort however I can. I feel your pain, sending hugs xxx

Yours Craig xxx


Craig I’m sorry to hear this, it must be so raw for you at this moment in time and awful amidst all the positivity and optimism of Christmas and New Year. I hope there are good people around you right now, even though they won’t be the one you really want and need…it’s important to go easy on yourself and not feel you have to do anything you don’t want to. Sending you much needed hugs too …Johnny x

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Thank you Johnny I do have people around me, but it’s the nights I’m finding the hardest. I feel so lonely and cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. He had a catastrophic bleed on the brain on Friday evening and his life support was turned off on the Sunday. I feel lost, confused, angry, deserted, suicidal along with a multitude of other feelings as I travel along this rollercoaster of emotions. Like yours our love was special and unique to us, and although I’m not looking for love or a replacement for him i am in desperate need of company of gay friends just to give me a cuddle. I am totally consumed with grief and desperate to reach out for help xxx

Craig that must have been absolutely awful for you to go through that. My heart goes out to you. But if you’re feeling suicidal in any way then you need to talk to professionals. I’m sure I don’t need to suggest relevant organisations to you. You’re only at the start of a very long process and those feelings are natural but if you feel you are not coping then please call them. I don’t know where you are etc but if it helps to just talk then I’m happy to listen. I don’t know if giving you my email is allowed on the forum as I’m new to it but happy to if it helps . And yes, understand the need to want to be hugged to let it all out. Have a think and get back to me, but if you feel you’re in danger then please call someone… Johnny

Sorry for your loss Christine. My partner passed less than a week ago and I am in a whirlwind of emotions right now with things to do and arrangements to make when all I want to do is curl up in a hall and cry. I’m glad you have family arranged you to try and take some of the hurt away and I hope you splice in the fact that he will always her around you. The hardest thing for me is the loneliness at night, I have two beautiful dogs to bring me comfort, but the sadness of missing my partner diminishes this comfort
My thoughts are with you Christine, big hugs and lots of love Craig xxx


I sent a private message Craig with some details…I’m not finding this forum easily navigable but hope you get it
Johnny x

Sorry for your loss, I lost my wife on Tuesday. I don’t think it’s hit me yet but Christmas was always special for her. To add to the sorrow lost my Mum on the 7th December 21 and now I have Covid. I’m finding it hard to look forward to tomorrow but I know it’s just another day I have to cope with.

Take care and stay safe.



Oh Tim you poor bloke…one bereavement is one too many…but you have had far more than your fair share…( There’s no fairness about death…) . I am so sorry to hear this. I’m lighting a candle at 7pm along with others - you’ll be in my thoughts. I hope you’ve got people around you.

Thanks Johnny for your thoughts and kind words, everyone told me not to be alone this Christmas but with Covid I have little choice maybe it’s for the best at least I can sit and remember the good times.
Try and have a good Christmas and lets hope next year is better.

Sounds of little comfort but take care of yourself whilst you got this crap virus. Those who are watching over you would want that

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Hi all this is my first Christmas without my partner pauline. I’m so sorry for your losses. We were a lesbian couple and had 20 years and 8months together. They were the happiest years of my life. I love and miss her so much. I will be at home alone with my pets and paulines ashes over Christmas. The same as I am every day since she passed. I hope we can all get some moments of peace take care x

Hello Tim, sending my love. I lost my partner last Sunday so things are a little bit raw at the minute. I hope you find some solice in the memories you have. I wish you well and all the best for the future
Take care
Craig xxx

Hello Casey,
Sending love, I lost my partner on Sunday after 20 years, so I feel your pain. If you ever need to talk give me a shout. I’m happy to have a chat on the phone if you so wish. We too we’re gay couple and I’m lost without him

@Craigclee67 hi Craig I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this heartbreak. It’s all so very raw for you right now. I tell myself that we were blessed to have found our soulmates and I am grateful for the years I had with her. All I can say is I understand your pain and just take one day at a time. I’m often around if you want to chat. Please take care and if you need help please reach out and get it. I understand the suicidale thoughts I have had them myself but I have to keep going for pauline and our pets and as long as we are alive our loved ones will never be forgotten. This community is very caring and you will find support here. Sending hugs x