The local Hospice is providing the counceling, I’ve had 2 sessions out of the 12 planned and it’s by phone. Like you Geoff, i don’t wamt to ask friends fr help, they’re missing her too and haven’t experienced this sort of loss so don’t know what to say. As well as talking to her, I write to June most days., mainly rubbish but it I like doing it and she loved to receive letters.
Take care all
D
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Hi Dave I am receiving Counselling from my local hospice as well.
I did go back there the week before last to give some money to them that I collected & wanted to put something on a memory tree my wife went to the day centre at the hospice as she did like it she was really good at craft work so as soon as day centre opens again at hospice I will be donating some craft stuff to them.
I still talk to Tanya & say morning & night night as we had a casket for her ashes which was covered in personalised photos of Tanya my wife Amy my Daughter & myself with them.
She was 51 & my Daughter will be 14 in a few weeks time.
I just try to get 1 day at a time over with as like you I miss my wife Tanya so much.
Good luck & stay safe.
Geoff.
My doctor advised me against counselling for at least 18 mnths as I needed to grieve naturally first
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Hi everyone,
As @suebo64 as mentioned the issue of waiting for a while before having counselling, I just thought I’d jump in and let you know that the Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Counselling Service doesn’t have any minimum length of time that needs to have passed after your bereavement. Everyone is different, and some people may benefit from accessing counselling as soon as possible. To use the service, you have to have an initial assessment with a counsellor, and the counsellor would let you know if they thought it was too soon for you to have counselling.
Some counselling services do have a minimum time, at least as a guideline, although the ones I’m aware of are more like six weeks or a few months, and I’ve not heard of any service that has a limit as high as 18 months. In any case, if anyone is unsure whether they are ready, or wants counselling as early as possible, it is worth getting in touch with the service you are considering, to see if they have any guidance or to at least have an initial assessment.
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Hi Eileen, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved husband, and that life has been very difficult for you. In your other post you have written how you have no close family and friends to be there for you, and that must make coping with the grieving process even more difficult. You also write that you hadn’t posted before because reading about the experiences of others would make things even more difficult for you, many people feel that way, yet there are others who feel slightly better when they read about the experiences of others, because whilst they feel incredibly sad that others too are suffering, it gives people some comfort that their suffering isn’t abnormal and that others too go through this awful process.
As for counselling, I am generally an advocate for it, although it isn’t for everyone. In many of my posts, when someone is new here and in pain, I ask them if they have considered counselling. Maybe this is because of my own experience - I have suffered from mental health problems since my teenage years, and the first psychiatrist that I saw was very helpful. Since then I have seen many psychiatrists and counsellors when things have been bad, and some have helped, whilst others have been ok. There are no guarantees with counselling, but most people find it does help. Sometimes, some sadly find it makes things worse.
Your concern that a counsellor would not have experienced exactly what you have experienced is valid. However, what I will say is that counsellors tend to be very empathic. They might not have walked in your shoes but many will understand, to some extent, the pain that one can experience by walking in the shoes that you have. I have a housemate, he had a very bad relationship with his dad, who was an alcoholic and used to beat the wife and kids. He hasn’t experienced what it feels like to lose a dad who you adored. Yet he is one of the most helpful when I need someone to talk to, it is because he is very caring and empathic, and so whilst he can never truly appreciate the pain I am suffering, he can have some understanding of it.
Sue Ryder provide free online bereavement counselling. Maybe you could try and contact them for an assessment? There is no obligation for you to proceed with the counselling, and you can also end the counselling whenever you like if you feel it isn’t benefitting you. Whatever you decide, please know that we are here whenever you need to talk.
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Pleased to hear that Dave, it has to be worth a shot hasn’t it. And being able to unburden yourself to a perfect stranger who will just listen is really therapeutic I find. It must be good for us to be able to discuss things we can’t really say to family and friends, like Geoffs says we don’t want to upset them plus they don’t really know how to respond for fear of upsetting us! And writing is a lovely thing to do, I’m
sure June knows what you’re saying to her and it does you good to pour your heart out. Blue, we’re always being told that writing things down helps and s journal’s such a good thing to do, I write a diary when I go to bed and know I shan’t be sleeping for ages and it feels like it helps get my thoughts into some sort of order. Gets more nonsensical the tireder I become! Love to all xx
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Sorry that’s so late, I couldn’t send it earlier, too many consecutive ones. Eileen, I was dubious about counselling as I had a few issues which I didn’t think a bereavement counsellor would really understand, mainly discovering Malcolm had Aspergers just 3 months before he died. And no, she didn’t have that specialist knowledge, unsurprisingly, but she did help me talk through and unpick a lot of previously not discussed issues. Although the day after I was pretty upset as it had stirred up everything again but that wore off and I did feel better for talking to a completely
dispassionate stranger and I could cry if I needed to which I wouldn’t want to happen with family or friends. It did help and I’m looking forward to the next one. As a few people here have said, we need all the help we can get ! Good luck if you decide to go down that route xx
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HI Eileen, I fully understand about having someone trained in bereavement and that’s why I approached the Hospice. They knew June, cared for her (and her mother 4 years ago), so they know my situation. I found te first session very stressful and exhausting, the second less so. Thinking about some of the things she said, I will be continueing for the immediate future as I hope it will help - they certainly won’t do any harm and I couldn’t possibly feel worse.
As others have said, it may not be for everyone, but I suspect if you’re thinking about it then it may be right for you. You could check with your local Hospice if they provide that service, and if they do there’s probably a waiting list.
Take care all
D
As far as I’m aware, the fact that the Hospice hasn’t been involved doesn’t mean that they won’t help you. You could give them a call and ask, if they say “no” you’ll be in the same position. I think you can also ask your GP. Whatever you choose, I hope it helps you
D
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Hi dave170520
My wife Anne passed away just over 14months ago and I was offered counselling which I turned down having experienced it before. Personally I find that opening up old wounds or picking at scabs, which is what counselling does, is for me counterproductive. I have enough reminders in my head or around the house to produce a cathartic release without somebody else deliberately inducing it. And if I want to chat about Anne on a stable level I have our family. But this is just me. Others will feel differently about counselling.
Love and Light
Geoff
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Hello Geoff, I can see it’s different if you’ve tried counselling before and it hasn’t helped you. I never had and was dubious but have to admit that I’ve found it quite therapeutic which surprised me! What I really appreciated was being able to verbalise things I would not have said to friends or family, as they can’t bear me to be upset and try to say things to make me better. Keeping it all in is exhausting and I really enjoy an hour of “unfiltered “ conversation But that’s just me and as you say, we’re all different in our reactions.we just need to go with whatever works for us.
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I can speak from experience, had counselling to deal with work issues, face to face and found it so beneficial. So when I was approaching the first anniversary of my husbands passing and the rather difficult memories attached to it, I turned to Sue Ryder’s counselling service. Online was different but I actually found it comforting to do the session in my on home. Counsellors don’t give you the answers, you find them yourself by being able to speak about things you simply can’t discuss with others. Your deepest emotions. It helped me recognise who I was, the capacity I had to survive the most painful parting and to carry in on life’s journey. Both counsellors gave me an insight to my ability to see people and situations for what they are and deal with it.
A truly healthy experience.
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SanE, I agree with you completely. Have just had another session today and almost found myself looking forward to it! It’s so liberating to be able to verbalise any dark thoughts you may have and also to be reassured that what you’re experiencing is normal for your particular stage of grief. I also find my counsellor picks up on things I have said and often gives me a different point of view to consider, which can be quite an eye opener. We’re very lucky to have this service available and free of charge too, Take care xxx
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I agree with SanW and bjane. For one hour a week I can be open and honest. My counsellor has told me I have strength and courage which I never knew I had. The hour flies over and I feel so much better afterwards. We are so lucky to have this free service and no massive waiting list💙
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